Handling life + marital probs without going crazy...any thoughts?

[holsobsessed]

Would really appreciate any advice. Dh and I have had a really hard two years, fertility treatment, prem baby, his business in real trouble, moving house etc. However all these probs have made me see him in a new light - I've realised that its not all these events that are the problem, he simply can't deal with issues very well. He just goes to bed or complains about how hard life is......

I am the one that has to 'drive' things or sort them out. Today I just snapped over his criticism of something really minor (housekeeping - not my forte!) and have just cried for an hour - I just feel so put upon and exhausted. I don't want to leave him, want DD to grow up with two parents but looking at the way that he has handled stuff has made me see that I just don't love or respect him anymore.

But I do want to find a way that I can handle all these issues in a way that doesn't make my head explode and go into meltdown. Apologies for length, but any thoughts would be welcome.

hi

sorry to hear it's not a good time. i can only say, if one day at a time seems too long, try one hour at a time....as for the dh,i really sympathise with you, my dh is also an ostrich, and i am the 'driver' as you put it. sorry i don't know what you can do , we cant change them: but fwiw, i have tried to change my expectations, this leads to less disappointment and frustration,then you have more energy etc. i.e. change your focus away from him. (sorry i know that's defeatist but i havent found any way of making them change)

Hmm, was discussing partners yesterday with my wommmen friends, and everyone was agreeing that DP was not a 'driver' in our relationship, but that can be a great thing too. We decided that we would hate to be told what to do all the time. When I see people with husbands and partners who are the 'drivers' makes me realise how lucky I am!

Not trying to be flippant. Whenever I see posts like this I wonder if a lot of it is from the stress you've both been under. I had PND and I couldn't stand DP at the time.

'wommmen' ? Whet the hell is going on with my typing/keyboard?

Thank you all. HK78 - I hear you loud and clear, you have reminded me about the expectations - I know that I have the tendency to expect too much and I think sorting this out will be key to getting things into proportion and stop me having a meltdown.

Redadmiral - I do have a great deal to be happy about and yes it would probably drive me a bit crazy if he was more of a 'driver.'

Also perhaps everything has just really hit me (i've been so busy sorting it all out, I haven't had a chance to really think about everything that's happened IYSWIM ).
Hmmmm - thanks again ladies, you've got me thinking.

Hi, sorry to hear you are going through a bad time.
Firstly, you can't change him-you can only change yourself.So you have to decide if this relationship is worth staying in-rather than list his bad points, what are his good ones? Why are you with him in the first place?
Marriage is all about compromise-I honestly believe that if he can see that you are trying, he will respond. So maybe look at the minor issue that seemed to be the trigger today-you didn't say what it was, but maybe this is something that he feels unhappy/resentful about that would be easy to change, and then in turn, you can negotiate with him to do something you would like him to do?
My DH and I are polar opposites.He believes things will be fine, I have a degree in Fearing The Worst.So I dot the i's and cross the t's and fret and he soothes me and calms me down-but sometimes I am furious at him for the tiniest things.
If as you say you really don't love or respect him then you really do have a problem-but maybe again you are tired, maybe depressed or maybe just exhausted. Any which way, perhaps some time taken to calmly talk to him, with or without a third party(Relate?) will be worth a try.
HTH.

Spooky - you could be me! We have also had a very hard 2 years - my mother ill, DD in hospital, infertility plus a load of house renovation issues. None of it has brought us closer together, in fact DH has been so unwilling to communicate about any of it, so hostile towards me and so passive that I too have lost respect for him. I have repeatedly been painted as over-emotional when really I am trying my hardest to be strong in the face of a lot of stressful events. I am beginning to wonder whether I married someone too weak to cope with life's knocks -things were so simple back then that we were never really tested.

I can't rely on him for emotional support and that is a big issue. If I react to an external pressure in any way that makes his life more difficult (less focused on him, upset, angry) then his first thought is for himself. I agree that relentlessly taking things out on a partner isn't good, but I yearn for a selfless moment from him when he just comforts me and puts his own feelings aside.

I am not a quitter and he is a lovely father. DD would be devasted if we separated but I wonder whether the foundations of our marriage are strong enough.

Expectations are the key, I agree. But surely if expectations need to become so low that you expect nothing from your husband in difficult times, then what is the point?

Didn't mean to hijack the post! Just thought it might help to hear that others are in a similar boat.

wow. iwillbepostive & others - your posts rang alot of bells with me. i , too am the drive in our relationship and whereas i used to love it , i now sometimes resent it. dh is (nearly) always happy to go along owrh what i suggest ( with a few exceptions) and i sometime feel we wouldn't do alot if it were left to him. BUT, it made me wonder, maybe that's what i like in some ways as it gives me alot of control. Maybe if i don't expect things from him either, i'll have the control and also not be disappointed??