What do you advise? Wife’s Friend

[Addingthingsup]

I’ve been married for over 12 years, for the past 3 my wife has made a friend who has culturel connections. Same language, same city. She found forming friendships with other women very easy, but due to either selfishness or the way women are to each other can get very bitchy. So understand why she cut of ties with these friends.

The guy, a Doctor, single supporting his family back home, has befriended my wife. They talk in their native language most of the time, but do make efforts to speak in English in my presence but slip in their native language when they get into conversation. Would not say it’s on purpose, as English is not their first language.

I have for months explained the way I feel, not there friendship is causing insecurities but that I feel that she is not as close and I feel she feels closer to this friend.

My Wife then admitted that her relationship is closer than ours. And as I highlighted her statement, she then said other friends (girls) she is closer to them than me. Almost like she knew what she said and had to cover it with other friends.

She then blamed me for this, saying that I don’t make effort or engage with her. I do try and am trying harder, but it seems some days are really good and when I bring up any issue it’s reflected back on me.

Her Auntie, quite involved in peoples lives, actually told her that this relationship may not go down well her husband and going to the cinema with him (ps I knew this, and was fine with them going as was working). Wanted the wife happy as that time, we pretty much argued, so thought it was a way for her to relax.

I am not sure, what to think. Part of me thinks this friend is gay but won’t admit due to old fashioned culture, family etc

Part of me thinks it’s a genuine friendship but I am feeling like second fiddle. As they become closer, I feel that I am not as close as before and it slowly eroding away.

I am a very strong man, doing financially well, would not say I am ugly, and seem to be better position than this guy. Yet for the first time in my life, feeling sad and jealous over another man.

I like the guy, he’s kind and considerate, acts as an Uncle, brother to wife and to me a friend. (Though not the type I would hang with)

I told my wife it’s the intimacy and friendship between us, that seems lacking. Not this guy.

I also mentioned that I was lonely and so when I was thinking of inviting people for dinner (married couple) she said that they may kick off due to us having alcohol and that the community would look down upon us. This guy I befriended from same community, seemed quite chill, but he divorced his first wife supposedly due to religious reasons, yet his second wife seems opposite and not what I was told. He seemed pretty cool. But wife keeps joking that I only want to befriend him due to his wife. His wife is cool, European- I got on but no bad intentions, just wanted to build up friendships.

For past 10 years, I have been growing our business, and only focused on my family and rarely saw my friends. So as the business is really successful I thought I would make some effort in my friendships. Especially since my wife had these friendships, I thought it would be healthy for me too.

When I mentioned, that she even confirmed their closeness is more than ours, she said very abusive stuff, she kicked me out of the house, rather than get into an escalation, I left and stayed at my office for a few hours. Then she called me quite late to come back, I did and things seem calm.

Next day, I highlighted to her this and she denied it ever happened, I said this was lying, and she then laid out everything in the past that I have done. She does this quite well, I bring up current discontent, and she will dive in to the past and not be accountable.

To add, she is not the type to cheat or sleep around, this I know 100% certain, but I don’t know what to do. I think I am making effort in our relationship, maybe I can try harder. But when your better half, cannot compromise or understand or brush under the carpet your pain, I think it’s unfair and do I need to keep living like this.

Any opinions welcome, I have kept this as anonymous as possible as wife reads this forum.

(copied from thread from another post, as advised by other posters)

Good heavens

you lost me at the women and bitchy comment

Your understanding of closeness in a relationship sounds like it is different from your wife’s. If you do want to salvage your relationship then I think you will have to get to understand what your wife’s own definition of closeness (it is different for everyone) because she seems to be getting those needs met better by this other man than from your relationship. Does she acknowledge any of this? It is no good if only one person tries to fix a relationship.

Sorry I did not mean any ill intent. I tried to summarise in one word my view point on this aspect.

In reality my wife dropped these other relationships, as they were one sided and small things between them, meant these friendships ended. Sometimes with the other women talking behind her back or being passive aggressive in their actions.

@Honeyboomboom You are right, it certainly feels that way. I can see that the culture, language, shared background, are heavy in this relationship. And I am obviously not currently meeting those needs.

But same time, maybe I am over thinking this and I just need to build my own social connections

When you come onto a mostly female site to ask a question about your wife and say, "but due to either selfishness or the way women are to each other can get very bitchy" as an opener, what on earth do you expect?

And that makes me think you aren't very emotionally intelligent and maybe that's the issue. Your wife needs someone like that and has found this man.

She doesn't want to make any changes. I wouldn't stay if that was the case in my marriage and I think you need to think about whether you want to.

@MrsTerryPratchett - I think you are right here aswell. Reason I came to forum to try to understand. I love my wife dearly.

I can see that the emotional connection is better than ours, he seems to just get her. Something I have been trying to do. But since I seem a failure at this, and I am a logical person, I have tried to engage the guy as a friend, though honestly not my type.

But also when the guy is heavily involved in our shared activities. Which are great, I do enjoy them, but it also means my wife and I have less time. And when I try to encourage something for us todo, like walking or going to different cities, she is up for it but then at home just quiet. Conversations are dry, she does not like much of what I say, finds me boring. I listen to her, but she will never even listen to me, taking any opinions I say as nonsense. Saying I watch too much Tiktok or read too many men’s forums.

Yet this guy, she has not said no too, takes his advice and though I could give same advice does not respect it until it comes from his mouth.

I know she loves me, and there is likely a gapping hole in our marriage that this guy is filling.

So some sound suggestions would be welcome. Be it I need to do something, say something or just tell me I am just over thinking.

As you can tell, I am on a forum, due to lack of close friends, I just need to bounce some thoughts. I have a diary, but that is a place to store your emotions, feelings, plans etc - it unfortunately does not talk back.

So I welcome suggestions, especially ones in my control. Thank you in advance

first few sentences and I already smelled bullshit - all women she has ever met turned out to be bitchy, but she gets on with this one particular guy who happens to have high-salaried position

what makes you think she is not the type to cheat when she's obviously already emotionally cheating and has no issues telling lies to cover it?

maybe, just maybe, these other friends saw your wife for who she is

That’s the thing - I do know my wife, she is genuinely innocent in these things. I am sure if this guy tried it, she would end the friendship. And if he seemed like a “typical” guy, I would be more upset.

My issue is the emotional relationship that is starting to feel stronger than mine with my wife. How do I get that back? Without making this friendship seem like an issue to me.

@PaintedEgg I don’t think money is an attraction to her friendship. I out earn him in multiples. I think it’s just the emotional connection.

At first it was just a connection, from back home through family. But now he is so embedded in our lives, my son calls him
Uncle. And all of this I would be fine with, as I also think the guy has no ill intentions.

My issue is between me and wife. I think I need to try to connect to her more but also make my own circle of close friends.

From your own experiences, is there a time that you felt emotionally disconnected with your partners, and how did you fix it.

if you want close emotional relationship with someone you need to be honest - and this means admitting to being jealous of their closeness and wanting to figure out way to have the same thing in your marriage. So you need to speak to her and be honest

but dont be a fool - she cant keep friends and she abused you and kicked you out of the house for confronting her for very shady actions

I don't think she loves you in the way you love her. It sounds like she doesn't really like you very much either. I think you need to ask her if she's happy in your relationship and how you can work together to improve things. I do think this man has turned her head, and even if nothing physical will happen, she's transferred her emotions from you to him.

There is the option of relationship counselling if she'd be willing.

I'm sorry you're in this position. Do keep fostering new friendships though, as that's good whether you stay together or separate.

The kicking me out, also got me thinking.

We have argued in the past, but this subject got so touchy, that she was screaming for me to leave - so I did.

I did also tell her, that the way she reacted, seemed like she knew it was wrong too. But I got no réponse back apart from silent treatment. She tends to do this, if she thinks I wronged her.

you really are painting a picture of very callous and manipulative person

any loving partner would not want their spouse to suspect cheating and surely would not scream at them and throw them out of the house

it does sound more like you caught a lier red-handed

What do you think is going inside her head. I am honestly trying to understand.

From my point of view, she has a good friend who would be jointly there for us. Her auntie questioned her separately to me. But my wife explained this to me, otherwise I would not know of that conversation.

She freaked at me, to get out of the house and threatened to call this friend and tell him, implying I would be embarrassed by this. I just kept quiet on this. She continued to swear, get really vicious and screamed constantly for me to leave. So I left.

later that night she called me saying it’s 10.00, and said I should come back, so I did.

Next day, there was a cinema planned with this friend, my wife and I. But he messaged after lunch saying he was ill. I offered to bring food, help out but he declined.

I spoke to my wife, and she said she did not speak to him but also received same message.

what do you think she is thinking? I am just trying to gage the situation

she's gaslighting you

if a woman came here and said all of this about scenario with her husband and his female friend nobody would doubt the husband is having an affair and using gaslighting and emotional abuse to hide it

So your wife has a male friend who is from her cultural background, and with whom she has a strong emotional connection and friendship and who is 'embedded in your lives'. You are positive your wife wouldn't cheat and think he might be gay so you are not worried on that front, but what concerns you is she openly admits she feels more for this friend than you and finds you boring and has nothing in common with you. Honestly it sounds as though you are being openly replaced, she is happy with the set up and expects you to accept it. You describe her as quite dominanant, kicking you out of the house, being verbally abusive and then denying it ever happened.
It sounds like the two of you are incompatible.You want more closeness but she prefers to find it with this other man. I think you will find it very hard to make her change. If you want to stay with her perhaps you could consider couples counselling although l'm guessing she won't agree to it. I agree creating a friendship group for yourself is a good idea but it doesn't solve the problem.

Do you have children/

Thank you @Seaoftroubles for your well thought out opinion. It does help, as it makes me understand her mindset more. Something I am in disbelief about and coming to some realisation that I may have been partly delusional.

i don’t think I am being openly replaced but you are right she likes the current norm. We do have times that we do really enjoy each other. But also I think she shares quite a lot with this friend, that I am usually second to know or a summarised version.

for me, it’s starting to feel she wants us both in her life, and the outburst is her deep down trying to bury this feeling. As out of habit she is not one to be self accountable- so I am sure this is causing her internal conflict

for me, I would be fine with this arrangement, if only I felt closer to her than he is.

and from his perspective be it gay or not, I am sure he just manages friendships well, is genuinely a good guy and just lonely in himself. He commits a sizable portion of his wages to his family. This is not a guy after my wife.

it’s just the me and wife bit that really needs focus - counselling maybe the option

OP if your wife is open to it couples counselling would be a good start as it will give you both a fresh perspective and the chance to work on some goals together. If you are sure she loves you, (you obviously love her!) then it's worth a try. Meanwhile try to look into some interests and hobbies for yourself so that you have something enjoyable to focus on outside of your marriage. It might also lead to some new friends and the chance to socialise, as you mention this is something that is lacking in your life at the moment.