Is this marriage or should we consider parting ways?

[GoofballPro]

My DH and I (both 35) had a good 5 years before we got married; no huge diagreements and we got along with eahc others' friends and family well enough. On the day we got married, there was an incident which seemed to be only just the beginning of a series of further issues in the months following and by our first anniversary, we were arguing quite badly. We are now 3.5 years in and it has been a shit show of a marriage.

Heavy quarelling of same topics over and over again, threats to leave, issues over wanting to have children (DH changed his mind post marriage), then finding out we have fertility issues so we need IVF, quarelling horribly in the middle of IVF and barely talking to each other (and probably no surprise the round failed) and post-poning further rounds of IVF now.... the list is endless, awful and dysfunctional. We have had loads of counselling for 1.5 years and unsurprisingly, the sessions show we could both be doing things differently/better... but it just doesnt seem to work. We are trying hard but it just feels so so bleak. We are both depressed (DH went on anti depressants for 6 months at one point; I was asked to do the same but declined) and we struggle to cope / function properly at work, life, etc due to our martial problems.

I am nearly 36 and with low ovarian reserve, I am worried I am throwing away my chance at kids if i dont work on this marriage now. Equally i have this horrible feeling that we may end up divorced down the road and whether it is a mistake to carry on and work on the relationship now (to bring kids into it). DH is a lovely man - he is kind, well educated, loves me and cares for me. We just dont seem to be able to agree on anything though and our relationship is full of mistrust and hurt now (we have grown so far apart and are actually scared of each other; we each think the other will leave any moment). My heart breaks to think of the good man that he is and all the good memories - that would all be wasted.

How does one know when one should improve on themselves and work on their marriage; or when its over (and to party ways)?

Sounds pretty miserable. My DH and I knew each other for 4 years prior to marriage. When we finally moved into our first joint home, a month after marriage, we did row a bit, something we had never done before.

But looking back it was down to the changes we had experienced and adapting to them - new area for both of us to live in, new job for me that I hated at first, further from the friends I saw regularly, long drive for him to get to work, and crucially, the need to compromise and make joint decisions (I'd owned my own place beforehand and hadn't realised how different it would be not to have the final say).

However we worked through all these and it didn't take 3.5 years. We were also in our 30s and had fertility issues which was very difficult for us, and kind of ruined my 30s for me, but we agreed on the process and supported each other.

I don't know why you haven't been able to sort things out, even with therapy. I understand your concern over your biological clock but your relationship doesn't sound much fun. Maybe it is time to part ways? I can't advise as we're still together, with grown up kids now (which isn't to say everything is perfect, but I / we certainly never considered breaking up in those early years).