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Original poster

Has anyone loved someone for years but never got together because one or both not single?

40 replies

IdaArnold · 01/05/2023 13:34

Curious to know of other people’s experiences. Not something I can talk about in real life. I have known my male friend for 10+ years and I love him. Simple as that, I just do. Pretty sure he feels the same though it’s never spoken, nor have we ever acted on it. We see each other regularly as friends. He is married with young kids. My marriage broke down a few years ago and I have made an effort to move on with my life and am now seeing someone who is lovely. But the depth of feeling is not the same as I have for my friend. I would never disrespect his marriage, and neither would he, hence the feelings have never been acknowledged. I also wouldn’t want to lose him as a friend by putting it out there. Lately been pondering where this goes. In all likelihood I’ll have a nice future with my partner but there’ll always be that underlying disappointment that I don’t feel for him the way I feel for my friend. Should I carry on regardless and continue in my attempt to build a life, or should I end it and remain single? Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
Coconut90 · 01/05/2023 16:23

It would be more respectful if you cut him off fully. It's someone else's partner.

FixItDuck · 01/05/2023 16:32

Sounds like limerence to me. I’d suggest some time single and maybe some therapy. Repeatedly telling yourself he loves you despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary will not be helping.

Pinkdelight3 · 01/05/2023 16:33

I second looking into the avoidant angle. It sounds like you have a good thing with your current DP and the only hurdle are these 'stronger feelings', which as a few PPs have said, are bound to be stronger as they're based on a fantasy.

I had something a bit like this when I was younger and I ended up getting together with the friend for a short time, but tbh it didn't live up to the fantasy at all. We were compatible between the sheets, although we gave it a good go, and after a few months it fizzled out and we went back to being friends again.

Your friend may be different of course, likely you'll never find out as it sound like he wants to stay married, but I think it's healthier to reframe the fantasy in more realistic terms to take this perfect edge off it. Chances are, he's not the one for the you at all, even if he was available, so focus on what you've got. There's no benefit to committing to a solitary life based on some pipedream.

Pinkdelight3 · 01/05/2023 16:34

*We weren't compatible between the sheets, that should say

Original poster
IdaArnold · 01/05/2023 18:55

Some of the stuff on avoidant attachment does ring true, and my history is one of avoiding what’s real and in front of me by fixating on the unavailable. I will look into it further. Thanks to everyone who has commented, it’s really helpful to get other perspectives.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 01/05/2023 19:23

IdaArnold · 01/05/2023 18:55

Some of the stuff on avoidant attachment does ring true, and my history is one of avoiding what’s real and in front of me by fixating on the unavailable. I will look into it further. Thanks to everyone who has commented, it’s really helpful to get other perspectives.

I do that as well @IdaArnold . I do try now to live with the reality of what's here, but it's a hard habit to break. At least I put things in perspective now.

Sunnysideup999 · 01/05/2023 19:34
  1. Put your energy and thoughts into your new relationship. You have to give it a chance. You cannot compare your feelings for your new partner to your friend - it’s not a direct comparison.
  2. put married friend out of your mind. You will never move on with anyone if you don’t do this.
greenel · 01/05/2023 19:40

My friend has this - a male friend she's known for a decade and says they both have feelings for each other. However, they've never dated and he's been engaged, dating as has she but it's never crossed a line. She's been in therapy for a year to deal with why she is struggling in relationships and her therapist did suggest she had idealised her friend and preferred the idea of him over the realities/mundaneness of a real partnership. Which has made friend re-think her relationships in general and stop fantasising as much about her friend.

As for her friend, I personally thought he wasn't ever in love with her but enjoyed the benefits of the emotionally intimate friendship they shared without commitment. Because his friendship wouldn't have the arguments and compromises of the relationship - but I do think he has never been as physically attracted to my friend. Basing that just on feeling men prioritise physical attraction in a relationship more than women do - and if he'd found my friend as attractive as his ex, I doubt he'd be dating others. Annoyingly some men can flirt a bit which makes it confusing but as with all things, actions count the most. My DP has a great female friend who I was surprised he'd never dated or considered and he admitted she was perfect for him in every way except he had no attraction for her and that's what made their friendship so great.

Break up with your bf as he deserves to be first choice and you deserve someone with whom you don't have an eye on someone else. Take space from friend and focus on meeting others away from the comparison with him. Don't waste good years on a fantasy.

RoseRobot · 02/05/2023 15:17

SmallFerret · 01/05/2023 16:15

Should I carry on regardless and continue in my attempt to build a life, or should I end it and remain single?
Aaaw OP - nobody can advise you what to do here. It;s your life, & the implications of any choices far too large to be made for you.
But I'd like to offer a word of caution - beware that the One That Got Away is too easy to idealise. You've never had to experience the reality of a romantic relationship or expactations with them, it's not based on any dady-to-day grind that actual relationships are subject to.

Has anyone else experienced this?
Yeah - me & my oldest mate.
Each or one of us coupled up bar a few separate periods over 5 decades of excellent friendship.
He made the first move - I rejected it due to then being in a (lousy!) relationship with our mutual friend.
I very carefully didn't make the second move, when we were each divorcing, coincidentally simultaneously. It was not the Right Thing To Do. We were each far too good to be used as each other's rebound - let alone emotional scapegoats (both escaped abusive spouses - crazy-making). We needed to deal with the healing & fallout first.
Instead, I gave myself a good talking to & studied up on limerence & why people knee-jerk they way into fast turnover romances when they ought to be staying single & Doing The Work. My mate met his now wife toward the end of that period, so once I was over the worst of it, I told him, as I needed to stay away from him while he was in the first painful (to me!) flush of infatuation.

We've both thought even better of each other for staying friends, & have never had to risk losing each other to the vagaries "falling in love" & then "out". We see each other as family members now the more youthful, ahem, urges have settled, so it would just feel incestuous to dabble there, even were he to become single again. I'm happy to have a lifelong pal who I can lean on like a loyal sibling, & vice versa.
But you may feel very differently. I'm just advising you to not pine after your pal with rose-tinted specs. And if you want to risk romance with him - be utterly clear & straightforward about it, letting him know that you don't in any way wish to devalue your long term friendship by 'asking him out'.

I feel for you OP. But love is a willed state of mind, an action, a daily decision to keep loving. Love also takes many forms. Only you can decide which form is most valuable to you, & what is worth risking. Flowers

That is properly adult advice!

readbooksdrinktea · 02/05/2023 15:23

PaintedEgg · 01/05/2023 15:53

he would be with you if he wanted to - he clearly does not want to and I think you may be projecting a little thinking otherwise. it's a nice ego stroke to have a hanger-on friend who seems to have a crush on you, but he clearly prefer his wife.

and no, its not fair on your current partner to be your second best option

All of this, OP. I hope you can truly move on soon. It's not a great place to be.

Urgsleepmoresleep · 03/05/2023 10:32

@IdaArnold i think I liked the thought of getting together with my friend more than reality as we got on, so a relationship would be easy. I was single for ages so I think that didn’t help as I wanted a relationship

It stopped me forming meaningful relationships with others. But as my DP came along I forgot about romantic thoughts for my friend. The thought now gives me the ick as I see him as a brother. I think I thought we would work as we have lots in common but would never work and I have lost a friend.

reality and imagination are 2 different things. If the guy you are seeing is just a stop gap please get rid it’s not fair. Someone will come along and rock your world.

MissTrip82 · 03/05/2023 11:16

Don’t have a relationship with someone if you’re in love with someone else. Work on dealing with that first.

If your friend is ‘trapped’ - he’s trapped because he wants to be. He wants to be with his wife.
He’s choosing her every single day.

Skybluepinky · 03/05/2023 11:38

Could be right person, wrong time.

FameSpear · 16/10/2024 02:30

IdaArnold · 01/05/2023 13:34

Curious to know of other people’s experiences. Not something I can talk about in real life. I have known my male friend for 10+ years and I love him. Simple as that, I just do. Pretty sure he feels the same though it’s never spoken, nor have we ever acted on it. We see each other regularly as friends. He is married with young kids. My marriage broke down a few years ago and I have made an effort to move on with my life and am now seeing someone who is lovely. But the depth of feeling is not the same as I have for my friend. I would never disrespect his marriage, and neither would he, hence the feelings have never been acknowledged. I also wouldn’t want to lose him as a friend by putting it out there. Lately been pondering where this goes. In all likelihood I’ll have a nice future with my partner but there’ll always be that underlying disappointment that I don’t feel for him the way I feel for my friend. Should I carry on regardless and continue in my attempt to build a life, or should I end it and remain single? Has anyone else experienced this?

One day, you’re going to wake up an old woman. May or may not still be friends by this time. Or he may have passed away by then. Hopefully not obviously. But, you’re gonna look back. You may have ended up with a relationship with a bad or a good life, or may have ended up single. But you’ll look back and may find yourself wondering what if… it’s worth having the conversation. To at least know the truth if nothing else. Or… maybe he’s just waiting for you to ask. Why risk not taking the chance? And if it ruins everything.. then it wasnt what you thought and the friendship was weaker than you believed. Which is also worth knowing.

DFStrading · 16/10/2024 02:39

@IdaArnold slightly different, but my ex we split after 2 years together, about 20 years ago, the ex got married and had kids etc, we meet up a month or two ago and chatted and it seemed like it was yesterday so to speak and yes i still have feelings but with them being married etc seems more of a wishful thinking than anything else.

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