Has anyone loved someone for years but never got together because one or both not single?

[IdaArnold]

Curious to know of other people’s experiences. Not something I can talk about in real life. I have known my male friend for 10+ years and I love him. Simple as that, I just do. Pretty sure he feels the same though it’s never spoken, nor have we ever acted on it. We see each other regularly as friends. He is married with young kids. My marriage broke down a few years ago and I have made an effort to move on with my life and am now seeing someone who is lovely. But the depth of feeling is not the same as I have for my friend. I would never disrespect his marriage, and neither would he, hence the feelings have never been acknowledged. I also wouldn’t want to lose him as a friend by putting it out there. Lately been pondering where this goes. In all likelihood I’ll have a nice future with my partner but there’ll always be that underlying disappointment that I don’t feel for him the way I feel for my friend. Should I carry on regardless and continue in my attempt to build a life, or should I end it and remain single? Has anyone else experienced this?

Doesn't that mean that if it ever happens both of you will be second best? If he doesn't leave his wife to be with you and you won't leave your partner, then surely the attraction cannot be great enough? I'm in a similar position and that was my thought if he were to ever find himself single.

I hadn’t thought of it like that. He takes his marriage commitment and responsibilities to his children very seriously. But, yeah, maybe I should start viewing it that way - he just wouldn’t choose me. I absolutely would choose him however, i

How incredibly disrespectful to his wife to think he's only with her because he couldn't be with you and she's second best.

She very well be the absolute love of his life.If I was his wife I'd be very wary of yours and his friendship.

It's not really fair for her for her husband to have a friend who's in love with him.

You should do the respectful thing and cool your friendship with this man and go no contact with him.

Anyway, this isn’t what I was asking. I’m asking people who have been in this situation how they moved on with their lives and how that panned out. In relation to having other relationships or remaining single.

Are you seriously asking whether you should lead a full life and enjoy a loving relationship with your current partner or split and live in solitary hope that your married friend might one day a) split with his wife b) ask you out and c) turn out to be the partner of your dreams?

A better question might be: why am I permanently indulging in a childish fantasy about someone unobtainable?

Anyone can be 'perfect' in your dreams because you only see them when out and about on good behaviour, not scratching their pimply arse and moaning about how they are the only person at work who ever does anything etc.

Dial down the dramatic language like 'attempt to build a life' with reference to him and remind yourself of the facts: you are fantasising about a married friend. Meanwhile you have a potentially good new relationship developing. Which is the best indicator of a fun, fulfilling life - the fantasy or the reality?

If you only feel luke warm towards your partner, why not let them go and give them the chance to find someone who really wants to be with them? Using someone as your plan B isn't fair.

I understand what you mean. I says that about my male friend and he said that about me. We liked each other at varying pints but never same time. We get on but emotionally he can’t give me what I need. I think it was the thought more than reality - as in we get in so why not.

That was until I met my current DP. Realised friend I didn’t have feelings for at all. My DP is amazing and I realised with my friend it was more things in common that I loved not attraction. Would never replace my DP with anyone

It's worth thinking about why you see things this way.
One theory could be that you are avoidant in your relationship style. This type of 'putting someone on a pedestal ', having a 'lost love' or 'unattainable love' narrative is just a way of keeping you from fully committing to any relationship you are actually in. It's a common feature of avoidant-attachment.
https://www.insider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/avoidant-attachment

I'd look at the root cause of that - childhood - and see if you can address that.

The actual issue of your married love of your life is not half as interesting as the backstory you might discover in yourself

This with bells on!!!

No that’s not what I’m asking. The quandary is:

• should I continue with current relationship even though I have stronger feelings for someone else? I am trying to get on with my life but is that fair on my partner?
• Or would it be fairer to be single. NOT in the hope that my married friend might become available.

I can only give my experience me and my ex split and they got a new partner , then married etc. Since then I've been single mainly due to waiting for the right partner, part of me still loves my ex, but to be honest I don't expect their marriage to fall apart and even then im fairly certain we wouldn't get back together, that said I guess sometimes we just never know what may occur.

However if I found another person , I would give the relationship a go with them,

End relationship and get therapy. Work on yourself.

And FFS leave married friend alone, no good will come of that.

Why are those the only two options?

It's up to you. It's very obviously unfair to let someone fall in love with you if you are emotionally unavailable, but that's up to them really - people make stupid decisions all the time.

I'd stay single and sort your head out, personally, but that doesn't seem to be part of your plan

Aww I understand OP. But You’ll just get attacked on here- any “other woman” real or imagined seems to trigger everyone on here. Personally I think you should carry on your relationship but work on it. Every energy you spend on your friend can be better spent developing your own relationship. Just think of him like a mansion you know you’ll never own- you don’t spend hours wishing for a mansion you just accept it’s not yours. For anyone who says it’s not fair on your partner would they leave their 3 bed house and sleep on the street because it’s not the mansion they want? Doubt it.

he would be with you if he wanted to - he clearly does not want to and I think you may be projecting a little thinking otherwise. it's a nice ego stroke to have a hanger-on friend who seems to have a crush on you, but he clearly prefer his wife.

and no, its not fair on your current partner to be your second best option

The trouble is when you love someone as a friend imagining a life with them romantically is whatever you build it up to be. Even if you were with him it is unlikely to match the life you imagine in your head, not saying it would be awful or anything but I wouldn't revolve my life decisions around a fantasy. Without sounding harsh as others have said, if he wanted to be with you he wouldn't be married to someone else.

It does sound like perhaps you would be better off single, not because of your feelings for him but because it's probably good to work on yourself and get over the imaginary romantic relationship you have with this friend before dating.

Thanks for the constructive replies

Your romantic relationship with your friend is a fantasy. You're not certain he fancies you and any mention of your feelings will likely bring embarrassment on both sides. Do your best to clear him out of your mind and make the best of being with someone else.

There is one more thing - am I right to understand that you have known him longer than he had children?

Think about it this way - if he does indeed harbours some feelings for you he still went and had children with someone else, while keeping you at arms length. While least likely, this scenario would mean that what you think of him is far more noble then his real character

on a bright side - don't settle for not fully satisfactory relationship, because you may miss the opportunity to meet someone who will surpass your feeling for both your friend and your partner :)

Why do you think your friend is in love with you over the woman he's chosen to marry and have a family with? Things like this give genuine friendships between men and women a bad reputation and why so many say it's not possible.My best friend is a man and I could never imagine a romantic relationship with him. I love him dearly but never have I ever thought about him as anything more than a friend.

I wouldn’t risk the friendship and the reality of being with someone isn’t the same as the fantasy (he’s human with flaws and you only really the nice stuff as you don’t live in each other’s pockets)

so I would try and move on - but you are human and the feelings are real so it’s tricky

Not the same thing quite but I have an old friend from school days who I’ve wanted to sleep with for 20 years. Pretty sure that the feeling is mutual. I’ve also got a lot of affection for him. I wouldn’t describe it as love.

I was in a long relationship, then he was living abroad, then I got married, then he got married, then I got divorced. We see each other a couple of times a year at events, parties, weddings etc and do that thing of being careful not to accidentally sleep with each other. We’ve never talked about it but it’s always there.

His wife is lovely, huge amounts of time and respect for her, and I’d never do anything to ruin their marriage. She and I get on great. I’d never try and cool our friendship but if I’m honest I’d be wary about making it deeper incase it crossed a line in a way I wouldn’t ever worry about with other old male friends.

im not waiting around for him - after all it might be a massive disappointment if we did ever hook up - but I’d definitely be first in the queue if he was single!

if he wanted to be with you he wouldn't be married to someone else.

I don’t think this is always true. I think someone can love two people, and I also think they can be in love with someone else but still decide to keep their marriage vows.

Contrary to what MNetters think, some men take their marriage vows very seriously, even if they have feelings for someone else.

Should I carry on regardless and continue in my attempt to build a life, or should I end it and remain single?
Aaaw OP - nobody can advise you what to do here. It;s your life, & the implications of any choices far too large to be made for you.
But I'd like to offer a word of caution - beware that the One That Got Away is too easy to idealise. You've never had to experience the reality of a romantic relationship or expactations with them, it's not based on any dady-to-day grind that actual relationships are subject to.

Has anyone else experienced this?
Yeah - me & my oldest mate.
Each or one of us coupled up bar a few separate periods over 5 decades of excellent friendship.
He made the first move - I rejected it due to then being in a (lousy!) relationship with our mutual friend.
I very carefully didn't make the second move, when we were each divorcing, coincidentally simultaneously. It was not the Right Thing To Do. We were each far too good to be used as each other's rebound - let alone emotional scapegoats (both escaped abusive spouses - crazy-making). We needed to deal with the healing & fallout first.
Instead, I gave myself a good talking to & studied up on limerence & why people knee-jerk they way into fast turnover romances when they ought to be staying single & Doing The Work. My mate met his now wife toward the end of that period, so once I was over the worst of it, I told him, as I needed to stay away from him while he was in the first painful (to me!) flush of infatuation.

We've both thought even better of each other for staying friends, & have never had to risk losing each other to the vagaries "falling in love" & then "out". We see each other as family members now the more youthful, ahem, urges have settled, so it would just feel incestuous to dabble there, even were he to become single again. I'm happy to have a lifelong pal who I can lean on like a loyal sibling, & vice versa.
But you may feel very differently. I'm just advising you to not pine after your pal with rose-tinted specs. And if you want to risk romance with him - be utterly clear & straightforward about it, letting him know that you don't in any way wish to devalue your long term friendship by 'asking him out'.

I feel for you OP. But love is a willed state of mind, an action, a daily decision to keep loving. Love also takes many forms. Only you can decide which form is most valuable to you, & what is worth risking.

But you don't even know if he likes you in that way. So this isn't even your choice to make. You could be in the friend zone for all you know.