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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me do the right thing, I know what I should do

24 replies

User63847484848 · 01/05/2023 13:22

I’ve got involved with someone in a relationship. In the beginning it seemed like he was in the process of leaving (she had told him to go in one of their many arguments) but she’s kind of retracted that and said she was just angry and didn’t mean it.

he wants to go but doesn’t know how to tell her. I’m thinks it will break her and also worries about the children. Money side would be hard and he’d have to rent somewhere nearby the expensive area where they live as she’s very dependent on his help with the kids and he would want to stay involved anyway.

we’ve tried just keeping it as friends and just talking but that’s not working.
I’ve encouraged him to see a counsellor.
as far as you can tell in a few months we are really really compatible and have amazing chemistry like I’ve never had before.

I want him to do the right thing for him and his family but honestly from what he’s said I don’t think that’s staying together, regardless of me.
it sounds toxic and borderline abusive.

I think/know that the right thing to do is step away completely and cut contact, then if he’s single in future who knows. But I feel so sick about it. I care about him so much and feel like I’m abandoning him in his situation (which I have been in so it’s touching a nerve).

OP posts:

Anaemiafog · 01/05/2023 13:24

The only thing you know is he's a cheat and a liar. Run.

gamerchick · 01/05/2023 13:25

Ah man. Seriously OP

Yes you absolutely know the right thing to do, you aren't abandoning him at all. Tell him to bugger off and sort his family life out.

He's not a poor wee soul and you aren't getting anywhere near the full story. Switch on.

rainraingoawaay · 01/05/2023 13:29

He's giving you the script. You know the right thing to do, so do it.

Aposterhasnoname · 01/05/2023 13:31

Ah the star crossed lovers, tale as old as time. Of course op, your chap is different from the hundreds of men we hear about almost daily on this very site. Your man isn’t one of the these cheating arsewipes shitting on his wife and kids while spinning the OW a yarn just so he can get his end away. Oh no, he’s an poor misunderstood bloke who loves his kids and had to put up with his miserable marriage so as not to upset them. It’s tragic really, my heart bleeds for him.

Maze76 · 01/05/2023 14:17

Smoke and mirrors.
save yourself the heartache and guilt being in the middle of this dynamic will cause… leave him alone.

FictionalCharacter · 01/05/2023 14:22

Ah yes. The old “I want to leave her and be with you, really I do, but here are 1,000 excuses as to why I can’t and none of them are my fault”.
Don’t fall for it.

Notimeforaname · 01/05/2023 14:25

Hes a liar who is cheating on his wife.

Ignore him now and dont give him a second thought or your life will be full or drama and misery.

letthatmango · 01/05/2023 14:42

‘In the beginning it seemed like he was in the process of leaving’

They all say this to reel the other woman in, when they’ve got her hooked, she’s regularly providing the ego kibbles and cheap thrills they stay with wife and it becomes this…

‘he wants to go but doesn’t know how to tell her. I’m thinks it will break her and also worries about the children. Money side would be hard and he’d have to rent somewhere nearby the expensive area where they live as she’s very dependent on his help with the kids and he would want to stay involved anyway.’

How big and clever of him to want to stay involved with his kids, what a truly wonderful example of a father he is!

‘we’ve tried just keeping it as friends and just talking but that’s not working.’

Come on, you have personal agency (unlike his wife who is having that ripped from her along with her right to informed sexual consent), you’re not being completely controlled by a higher love power.

’I don’t think that’s staying together, regardless of me.
it sounds toxic and borderline abusive.’

You’re not in a position to describe this woman’s relationship as toxic and abusive when you are assisting this man in the abuse of his wife.

Get a grip you’re not star crossed lovers!

Seriously, raise your bar!

Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2023 14:51

You must be very naive, op. He really saw you coming.

Dump him while you still have even a shred of your dignity left.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 01/05/2023 14:56

Even if he does pick you and you get together with him you will never trust him.

Throw him back in the sea and wait for a nice unattached guy with whom you can have a normal nice kind uncomplicated relationship.

Beenaroundtheblocktoomanytimes · 01/05/2023 15:31

"he wants to go but doesn’t know how to tell her. I’m thinks it will break her and also worries about the children. Money side would be hard and he’d have to rent somewhere nearby the expensive area where they live as she’s very dependent on his help with the kids and he would want to stay involved anyway."

Oh OP, he wants to cake eat having reeled you in, play the respectful husband and father and have what he will claim as his 'soulmate' to keep you on side, dangling.

You've already had some sage advice OP, act on it and move on. Affairs only cause misery, especially for the OW. Odds are 80% of marriages do not end despite one partner having an affair and the affair is all on him, being a weak and shallow man of no integrity. You sound just like the thousands of OW who post on here, in exactly the same vein. Go find a lovely available man who would never dream of betraying his wife and acting like a cad!

Ohfgsjon · 01/05/2023 15:34

Anaemiafog · 01/05/2023 13:24

The only thing you know is he's a cheat and a liar. Run.

Ohfgsjon · 01/05/2023 15:35

Ohfgsjon · 01/05/2023 15:34

Show quote history

This. This in spades. Do yourself a very, very big favour and walk away, no matter how hard it is.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2023 15:39

Back off totally and tell him to get in touch when he's been separated 6 months and with his own place and you will think about it

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2023 15:42

FictionalCharacter · 01/05/2023 14:22

Ah yes. The old “I want to leave her and be with you, really I do, but here are 1,000 excuses as to why I can’t and none of them are my fault”.
Don’t fall for it.

This. He's a liar and has got you on the hook.

He wants his cake and eat it. Remove the cake.

Katrinawaves · 01/05/2023 16:01

You are the stereotypical other woman. Kidding yourself that you are different but still doing the wrong thing by this man’s wife and children. They deserve better than this, even if for whatever reason you feel that you don’t.

Original poster

User63847484848 · 01/05/2023 19:02

It doesn’t feel like that, but I know how it looks and like I say, rationally what needs to be done for my sake, his partner’s sake and his too really. It can’t end well like this can it.
I do think it’s possible sometimes people are not in the right relationships and meet the person that is right for them but appreciate statistically that’s rare and everyone thinks they’re ‘different’.

I think I have to focus on thinking that this can’t end well and if it is right then it will keep and he’ll look me up when he’s single. But I need to not put my life on hold in the meantime.

OP posts:

HappiestPenguin · 01/05/2023 19:45

You need to walk away. Tell him Once he’s been single for a year, in his own place (not his parents, or a house share but a proper flat/house - where he puts his kids first), you’ll reconsider. I’ll eat my hat if that happens.

You should explore why you are prepared to be someone’s little secret. Hidden in the shadows. Receiving their crumbs. Of course he’s shagging/ living a life with his wife. If not he would leave. Why are you prepared to do this to yourself?

Look after yourself and send him a one liner ‘it’s over’. Then find an available person, someone who is proud to have you as their one and only.

All the best.

HappiestPenguin · 01/05/2023 19:48

Also - No one forced him to marry his wife. No one forced him to have kids. He felt like that about her once, but he didn’t nurture it. If their marriage is over , do the right thing, a chat and end it properly.

He’s low quality, he cheats and sneaks because he feels he deserves to do so. Something in his nature thinks he deserves to not play by the same rules as his wife. Not a chap you want to rely on. And not a person you want to build a life with. He’s telling you who he is - believe him.

Bunnyhair · 01/05/2023 19:54

Don’t waste another moment of your life on this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2023 20:04

sometimes people are not in the right relationships and meet the person that is right for them

Then they leave. Or they don't leave and just remain unhappy. What they shouldn't do is cheat. People get to pick one choice. Not some pick-and-mix of a happy home with their children and sex with their OW.

Flyingsparks · 01/05/2023 20:17

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2023 20:04

sometimes people are not in the right relationships and meet the person that is right for them

Agree with @MrsTerryPratchett

my ex- DH and I were not right for each other.

I decided to end the marriage. Even though it was financially bad for me. No one else involved on my part.

I left because I didn’t want to have an affair in order to experience a loving relationship,

or be with anyone who would hit on a married woman.

It later transpired XH was asking for nudes from female colleagues, spending ages messaging OW while we were trying to save our marriage.

I also found out the shit he was telling these OWs - utter bullshit! He was telling everyone I was toxic and abusive. It’s a well worn story, but my side was very different

He also had no intention of leaving me I reckon. Too comfortable. The only reason he left was because I kicked him out.

letthatmango · 01/05/2023 20:23

‘It doesn’t feel like that, but I know how it looks’

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.

Stop romanticising. Words are cheap, long lingering looks are easy to fake, that connection is easy to misread when your desperate to believe it’s true. This is cognitive dissonance in action.

Actions are all. He is making it clear to you where his allegiance (for want of a better word because it’s not something I’d value) lies and it’s not with you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2023 20:27

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.

If you squint, put your fingers in your ears and hope really hard... it's a swan. Except it isn't.

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