How do you un-brainwash yourself?

[Yrmyfavourite]

When you're living with a narcissist and you question yourself - how do you see past it?

I now know (thanks to fellow MNers) that I’m in an abusive relationship but, I've told family and friends about mental, financial and occasional physical abuse and no one has jumped to my aid or told me to leave. They all keep suggesting marriage counselling. So, I’m massively questioning my reality and still can't help thinking maybe I am overreacting. Last night i went to bed adamant i was leaving and this morning he's taken out LO to the park and I'm thinking oh he's a nice person and I'm the bad one for wanting to leave 🤦🏽‍♀️ How do you turn that off?

Does anyone have any advice on snapping yourself out of it. The overwhelming responses I have received on previous posts telling me to leave makes me know I am not dreaming it up but, I still can't shake it! 😫

Don’t expect anyone in real life to have any idea. This is a personal journey. Forums, articles, videos and a tonne of writing my thoughts got me through.

Hello @Yrmyfavourite ,

Family and friends can be amazingly obtuse and selfish when it is easier for them to not see a problem than face it. At the same time, the narc is an incredible manipulater and has probably fooled all your support people into believing he's the good guy and you are the crazy one.

Yes, get some support from a therapist to help you see the situation more objectively. But not marriage counseling, it has been said that coercive controllers manipulate therapists too and have no desire to change. That would only be a waste of your time and money.

Get some support too from friends you know you can confide in. Your "D"P is trying to isolate you and that is not good for your mental health. Don't let him do that. I also suggest you go on being your good kind polite self and just " observe and be aware " of his behavior. Do stand up for yourself. Try stepping back from doing small things you probably shouldn't have been doing just to appease him and observe how he reacts. Keep a record of everything he does that is disrespectful you.

Good luck OP. You're stronger than you think!

Everything @Whataretalkingabout says makes sense.

Grey rock and writing everything down.

Seek out therapy. I found an experienced chartered clinical psychologist who has helped me have the determination to leave.

My therapist advised me just to remind people that they don’t know what goes on behind closed doors,if people aren’t supportive. My ex is a narcissist and many people think he is wonderful. I remind myself that they don’t know him and what they think doesn’t matter.

Some people are more self interested than you think. It may even be that their first thought is not to feel sympathy for you, but how awkward they feel if you divorce and whose side they have to take.

Thank you for the replies.

I confronted him last night after getting upset because he was refusing to help me with the baby and wanted to go to bed and told him I’m leaving and read him a message i had written to him in my notes a few days before. I told my mum and she keeps saying things like "we are here for you whatever you decide to do" and "we love you all" and now I’m back to square one. I said I don't understand why she doesn't believe me and she said she does believe me, she's just saying she loves us all and will support us whatever we decide. I said but, if you believed me, surely you wouldn't want your DD to stay with someone who is emotionally and physically abusive? She replied "you didn't tell me it was physical?" I replied saying of course I have - listing the occasions including over 10 years ago when she had to come and pick me up because he had me pinned to the stairs by my throat. When he was arrested because a street camera picked him up when he hit me on a night out. Or a few months ago when I was 34 weeks pregnant and I had to come and stay with you because he was throwing things and left bruises and scratches on my wrists after grabbing me?! She replied "When you split up we supported you. Which was after those first incidents. You decided to get back with him and convinced us those incidents wouldn’t happen again. We will always support you in your decisions and only you know how you feel. You chose to give up work and have another baby. Who we all adore as much as we do DD1. We are here for you in whatever you choose to do with your life but we cannot make these decisions for you my darling. We love you all xx" I ended up saying just forget I said anything and she's messaged today about general things and seemingly doesn't want to discuss it.

I’m really confused because, DH is crying and begging me to stay and asking me to help him to get help and my DM is making me question my reality even more. I feel guilty and this is what always happens. 12 years and 2 DC later and it's the reason I’m still here. I’m trying to be strong but, I still feel like maybe it's all in my head or I’m being overdramatic. It's how they always make me feel.

You decided to get back with him and convinced us those incidents wouldn’t happen again.

I don’t like this at all. YOU? Where’s his responsibility in this? Your mother is putting so much ‘blame’ onto you and making you responsible for those incidents… incidents that happened because of HIS abhorrent behaviour. She’s not protecting you.

I’m out of an abusive marriage with a narcissistic sociopath. While I cook or walk the dog, I listen to Dr. Les Carter and also Dr. Ramani, two American psychologists who are experts on narcissism and abusive relationships. The insight has been tremendous! It’s as if they’ve been living inside my walls, watching my marriage fail for years.

Your thoughts need validation. You need to be allowed to be angry. And we look to our people of trust to provide that supportive space. You’re not getting that support.
You’re feeling like the unreasonable one because you’re being gaslighted, unsupported, and unheard. Narcissistic people are very skilled at making you look like the unreasonable, unstable one. His tears may be (slightly) valid at the moment. But they won’t change his behaviour tomorrow.

@TheVanguardSix thank you ❤️ that makes me feel a little bit better! I will look them up and have a listen x

You’re welcome! ❤️ Do take time to listen to those podcasts. You must feel so alone and so confused right now. But being in an abusive situation is exactly that: Confusing. I hope those podcasts give you the clarity and the courage to fuel you and encourage you to take steps towards leaving. Therapy is really important. But find your feet first. And above all, trust yourself! You are your best advocate and ally!

Good advise from the @TheVanguardSix.

Dr. Tonia Pitman does an entire Youtube series on what she calls coercive control. Ross Rosenberg on youtube gives yet another perspective on narcissism.

These 4 psychologists will provide you with a wealth of information and understanding which will give you some objectivity and help you see your situation more clearly.

As for your mum, she is doing the best she can to support you . She surely means well. But you need the support of a specialized therapist who can give you real help. I think a PP could give you the name of one to contact.

Also check out some of the other threads here; there are lots of women in the same position as you and tons of information to be gleaned about how to go about LTB.

Take good care of yourself. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

In all fairness your family cant make the decision for you tho. Its been made clear they will support you whatever you do but ultimately its your decision and they are in a hard place probably trying to stay neutral to let you make the decision. I was in exact same position with a month old and once I left the whole family rallied around.

Your family is in a difficult position because if they do help you leave and you once again decide to go back/stay, then your husband will feel justified in cutting them out of your and the DC's lives. That is why they have said they will support you whatever you do.

What do you want your mum to say? This isn't her fault.

Thanks again for the responses. I’m going to look into the specialists everyone is recommending and speak to women's aid today whilst he is at work and DD1 isn't here.

I just want to be clear, I’m not blaming my mum or asking her to make the decision. I’m just confused because, if she was outraged, I'd know he was wrong but, I’m struggling because, he's acting so nice again now and I feel like no one believes me so, I don't know what will happen if I did leave. I feel like I need someone in the real world to make me realise I’m not going mad. If someone treated DD1 poorly, I'd do everything in my power to make them leave. So it makes me think, maybe he's not abusing me and I've got carried away with it. Maybe I’m wrong in all of this and maybe he's not bad, I’m the bad one for thinking this way.

Your mum is staying on the fence incase you do get back with him. Or decide to stay. My mum would be the opposite and trust me it’s not good if you do have an argument and tell her some stuff and then she refuses to speak to your partner again, so when you do get back together after a row it’s so hard to continue as normal. I’d far rather your mums approach. She should be more outraged though, physical abuse is no joke. He’s probably got the wool pulled over her eyes. Having young kids is hard on relationships. I do wish I’d have got relationship counselling instead of ending my relationship. But no abuse, not physical anyway. Largely as there have been so many things unsaid that are still causing problems 13yrs since they occurred.

It seems you are looking at your mum for validation to prove your situation is awful & to give you permission to leave. You have to make that call, validate yourself, you know what's best for you

Im So sorry your circle are not supporting this issue and you ….
maybe easier to withdraw from them for a while or stop discussing this

what changed things for me was
called woman's aid (do it !)
they did a SS referral
SS sent me to freedom programme

and that 12 week programme finally gave me the strength
it’s sooooo hard I know

you will need to do your own journey to build strength and awareness

I also agree that your mum isn’t a DV professional
get your strength and support from outside the family