Is this just how marriage is?

[Coffeequeen13]

My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. As you would expect in that time, we've faced plenty of ups and a lot of downs!
We had a messy few years and alcohol was a big issue for him. He did things that I knew would be hard to forgive and so after years of me trying to support him and making myself ill in the process, that was the final straw, and we parted ways for about 5 months.
During this time he got sober, sorted himself out and neither of us moved on. So we decided to give it another go as it really was what we both wanted. I promised to work on forgiveness if he continued to stay sober. I paid for private counselling, and poured my heart out week after week to a complete stranger as I felt I couldn't talk to him in case i triggered him into drinking.
4 years on, we've not had a single big fight, our life seems to be a happy one and our children (teenageers) are doing the best they've ever been. We both work hard and always spend our free time doing fun things with the kids. From the outside, we look like a perfect family.

• But heres the clincher- Despite all this effort on both sides, and the seemingly happy life, I just can't help but feel a part of us (and me) is missing. I'm not depressed, I love my life. I love him (I did tell him I didn't love him the same way i used to when we got back together. I thought that would change over time. I thought it was just because i was still hurting.) I love him in a different way. I love him for what he's done to save our family and I know it wasn't easy for him. I love him for continuing to improve our lives everyday, for working hard and for the amazing dad he is. But it wasn't easy for me either, and everyday I'm struggling to find the strength to not think about what he did! The intrusive thoughts are still there. I often feel quite lonely. Due to the nature of the issues faced our friendship group became non-existent. It caused falling outs between friends and they were all drinkers too so we distanced ourelves to work on us. I just can't help but feel like we are both only treading water for the children. I feel i cant talk to him about any of this because im so worried he'll turn to drinking if he struggles with hearing it. Don't get me wrong, it's a happy home, we don't row, we get along and the kids aren't suffering for us staying together. (If that were the case, I'd be gone! I'm not scared to be alone.) I guess I'm just wanting to know, is this just a normal marriage? Is this just how marriage gets? We hardly ever have sex (maybe twice a month). I have no desire to, because I have zero self confidence now. He's given up trying. I feel like I live with my a friend. Who I adore, but it's not how I expected my marriage to be. I'm not expecting to be swept off my feet and have butterflies everytime our eyes meet...but I just can't put my finger on it. I always said that if I ever felt like I wasn't happy, or I could never forgive him then we'd call it a day. But I don't know if it's that. And I cannot ruin what is now a safe and happy environment for my children to be in. I feel like I'm making the sacrifice of feeling like thisdoand struggling with my own issues from his actions, so my children can finish growing in a happy and safe home but I ultimately know that when they're grown and moved out...we probably will part ways. Does anyone else relate? Am I being dramatic is this just "normal"?

It doesn't sound to me like a lovely life or one that other people would hanker after OP. It sounds awful and you sound miserable. You only get one life.

@momtoboys why is it your life until you die?! That sounds so depressing.

You're right. I know you're right but I'm just not willing accept it yet. Whether it's accepting this is forever and living with it, or accepting that it'll never be what I signed up for and calling it a day.
I think I'm definitely going to take up counselling again. And maybe approach the idea of couples counselling to give us a safe structured environment to discuss it.
Thank you.

@Coffeequeen13 just so you know I'm not an instant LTB person-I've stayed for 6 years so far and counting!! Hence I speak from experience. It's very easy for people to say just leave-

As i say, we do have a happy home. We have a nice life, do nice things as a family, spend lots of time together, and all get along well. There's no arguing etc and I feel this is the best and most stable environment for them as they develop into adults.
I had a secure, safe, loving, stable upbringing...my husband didn't. He blames a lot of his drinking on this. His dad left his mum and she suffered terribly with mental health.
I know there are LOTS of children who grew up in 2 seperate loving homes and this hasn't had this effect on them, they've grown into well rounded stable adults. Especially when the parents are "normal". If webace 2 homes, and he went back to drinking, I kniw that wouldn't be my fault, but it would have a detrimental effect on our children.
I just want to give my kids the best chance in life. If that means I have to carry this, I think I'm accepting it.
If I bring this up, and we separate and/or he turns to drinking again out of guilt for making me feel so rubbish, I'd never forgive myself...when I could have just held out until they were older and let them have that secure family upbringing. Even if that means I suffer in silence until then for them.😔

I want to forgive him for me, not so much him. So I don't still have these doubts and feelings and can fully enjoy what we have with no reservations.

I actually watched a series called "Tiny Beautiful Things" about a woman who does a bit of a Dear Diedre type thing, and thought writing somewhere might help.

I'm really not miserable but I'm struggling to fully enjoy what we have without reservations and fear of me never "getting over it" all....or learning to live with it. He's done amazing. The real purpose of my post was is this just how marriage gets sometimes, but I guess after different conversations, it's not. And if I want to keep what we have, not just for my children but for me too, I have more work to do...and that's a choice I would make because it really is worth it.

Doesn't sound smug, and it's great if you've never had to work at anything. I used to look at couple who have been together for a million years and think "they must be so perfect for each other and have been so happy" but as I get older, the more I realise that those couples who make to 60+ years of marriage have been through trauma, heartache, mistakes, losses and must be the best team to get through it all.
We are a team. We do love each other and what we have is great but I'm struggling to fully accept our new life, and very fully happy in the moment without reservations and doubts. Obviously still feeling how I do is stopping me doing that. Forgiving him is more for me to be honest, to be able to get past it and be happy. Whether that ends up being with him or not...I still have work to do on that.
I'll be going back to counselling and I'll approach the idea of couples counselling too as that's something we didn't do, but should have done.

This makes me so sad, and I really feel for you because I remember those days well.
I could never, ever go back to living with a drinker. That was when I was at my lowest and I'll never allow it again.
It doesn't have to be forever. Your boys are almost grown, I'm sure if they're aware of the situation they'd understand and support you.
And what's more, what exactly are you staying for once they're gone?

Are you me?!? Almost identical situation here.. I've just accepted this is my marriage bcos I'd rather be in it than be alone with dc, he's a brilliant dad, a good man & has changed his entire life round.. 10 yrs sober.. but I miss the man I married & the man I knew before I found out some of the disgusting stuff he did whilst off his head.. he doesn't know I know.. and I miss the fun we used to have before drink & drugs became a problem.. I miss a social life with my dh. But on balance i'd rather this life now. I don't have advice for you but I completely know how you feel - I guess only you can weigh up your pros & cons.. it's so nuanced, I don't think you'll find your answer here!

Life isn't all unicorns and rainbows OP. As well you know.

But you have a best friend, father of your children, a husband who was on the brink the very brink of losing everything to alcohol and through your strength to pull away, and then return he changed because surely you knew, he knew who he was.

Yes marriage is difficult. Sometimes. Sometimes for a while.

But you have someone who was forced to face demons and he did.

You are both stronger than you think.

I like people who haven't had it all easy, they are more emphatic and interesting.

So take the next step together.
Go ballroom dancing
Hot air ballooning
Embrace this second, in so many ways, stronger second, third, forth, phase of your marriage

We'd be your friends.

It's ok to fuck up.
It's even better to learn and grow.

Wish you well OP

Scrap what I said about not finding your answer here... this is it. What a wonderful, wise & kind post.

@frozendaisy great post.

Dig out your early photographs.
Ask each other 100 questions - you can find these online. Get to know each other better than you ever have before.

Read books together by Gottman. Answer the questions together. Do things you enjoyed early on in your relationship.

Connect. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you stood by him, it’s his turn to support you while you work through your feelings. See who he is. Let him be that person for you. If he stands strong and does the task at hand it may help.

You have an opportunity to get a great marriage. You are both happy to work hard, you have proved that. Go for it. I wish you all the best.

Yes this sounds SO similar!
I don't miss our old life at all, the socialising was just something that enabled his drinking. And something I fell into to try and be a part of his life. I never really enjoyed it.
I think people aren't understanding what I'm saying because they can't understand that I love my life, I'm happy, and we are all getting on really well...but i know what got us here and its hard to feel like I owe my happiness to something so damaging. Its like it came at a cost and I'm worried I'll never fully let go and live in the happiness.
I hope I can one day accept it for what it is. But right now, I feel like as soon as our children are grown, we will go our seperate ways. I hope I'm wrong. I used to be so certain that we would grow old together, and when it all came tumbling down and the reality of it all hit me, its like that vision was ripped away from me. Something inside me went and never came back.

Thank you so much. This was what I needed. Hope. That this isn't it and I can grow just as much as he has. And we can both be FULLY happy.
You are so right. It isn't always easy, but it's rarely really hard either.
This man has had a lot to deal with in his life, and I know 100% that if his demons hadn't lead him to drink, he wouldn't have done what he did.
This has made me cry but in a happy way.
So, thank you x

@frozendaisy sums it up.

I imagine every long marriage has difficult times, times when one partner feels let down, or shut out. Even if there's not any significant events which damage the marriage, just the everyday bumps and bruises and the curve balls life throws can make things really tough.

But then I'm not sure any other scenario is easy.... being single has its pressures, and having a succession of relationships isn't necessarily going to leave you happier.

FWIW @Coffeequeen13 the word that springs to my mind about your relationship is: authentic. You and your dh know each other warts and all, you clearly love each other deeply despite the painful times. Relationships are organic, they evolve. That first romantic excitement when everything looks rosy and you can't imagine anything ever going wrong simply doesn't last. That's normal.

Maybe counselling again might help you to process your experiences and thoughts, but tbh it sounds like you're a good team who are working together to make your marriage stronger than it's ever been

If he did relapse if you did break up, it would be ok if they only have one stable parent. Studies have shown that just having one stable parent can be just as good as having two. I know that this isn't really addressing what you are trying to deal with, but if you do decide that enough is enough and you can't pretend to be ok any more that it might not be as devastating forever as you might assume.

It sounds like you've both done a lot of work to get to this point, it is amazing, and i know I'd be in a similar position if my ex had been willing to do the work. But then I'm happy now and free of a relationship that was no longer working, as much as i hate how we got here I'm glad that we did, and my kids are happier this way as far as i can tell. It was not fun for them to have a front row seat to his self destruction.

Op, reading your responses I just want to say something. It is OK to feel how you do. It is ok to hope things will improve. It is ok to not be there just yet. It is ok that your marriage will look very different now to what it looked like before. Those things are all ok.

Events can and do change us, all the time. You are changed, your DH has changed, so you as a couple will also have changed. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Whether it is actually a good thing remains to be seen. Time, effort, a genuine respect for each and a desire from both of you to make it work will be what gives you a really good chance of succeeding. You are part way there.

Good luck!

Forgive me if I've got this totally wrong but it appears that you aren't feeling OK because everything that you've lost has been as a result of him and his actions. His changes were borne out of necessity but yours were out of choice, and self sacrifice.

When dealing with alcoholism, the alcoholic alway appears to come first & usually do. Their struggles seem larger & their challenges bigger whereas their partner who is dealing with all of this as a result, is if the person dealing with really emotional side of things and has to compromise on their beliefs, boundaries, confidence etc. in order to restore a relationship and drag it all back to a reasonable sustainable situation.

Because his issues were so big, it appears that yours were small when in fact you had to do just as much workout overcoming addicts seems to get more recognition that overcoming emotions. You had a lot more of a challenge but it's never recognises as such.

It seems like he has never knowledge how difficult it was for you, how much it impacted you, your confidence self esteem and mental health, how much of your choices were more about him than about you. He is recovered and thinks that's great but ewth him really understanding how difficult it was for you and all that you have done for him & your family you are still feeling like you come second. And you do, everything comes second to an alcoholic.

I think that if you continue to suppress your feelings,they will only get stronger and eat away at you. I think you need to discuss them in couples counselling. It's been all about him but there needs to be time for you too.

You are never reasonable for an alcoholic's drinking, it's all on them. And you will always carry the fear of them starting again unfortunately. It will never go away.

I think you have been incredibly strong & self sacrificing in all that you have done to restore the family unit. It benefits your husband, it benefits your kids but how much of you has been lost in all of that?

This perfectly sums up how I feel. In the beginning he seemed very understanding and was good at giving me space when I needed it and helping me through my emotional breakdowns. However, time has passed and I'm still struggling with it. I knew it would always be there but I hadn't realised just how much it would still effect me. I'm sure he recognises if I'm a bit moody or whatever but those open supportive conversations have fizzled out now and I do worry, all the time, that he couldn't handle how much I'm still hurting because of his actions so I just don't start the conversation.
You are so right, about my efforts not being recognised! I never really thought about it but among family and the few friends we still have, it's all "Oh (hubby) you've done amazing, we're so proud of you!" And "oh it must have been so hard to stop drinking." And it was hard for him but I never really realised until your comments that maybe I'm a little resentful that I never get any recognition for my efforts!
I've arranged an appointment with my Councillor and I'm going to chat with her about it and discuss potentially attending couples counseling.
Thank you.

Thank you. Yes lots of changes to all aspects of our life. Most for the better but at the cost of lots of emotional and mental damage to myself.
I thinknit will always be a struggle but we definitely need to get some help processing it still.

@Coffeequeen13 I'm glad that resonated. For what it's worth, I think how you are feeling is only natural and completely understable.

Far too often, when there is a trauma or significant struggle, there's all too often what I call the "forgotten hero" left overlooked in the sidelines. The person who held their shit together and carried everyone back to normality or a version of it.

You have to be absolutely drained and now he has recovered. He thinks everything is OK becsuse it is - for him. There's never recognition of how is was for you. On a positive note, it's usually a case that the person causing the chaos has never seen outside their own bubble but when it's actually explained to them, usually by a third party, then begin to realise it & are grateful for it, just didn't realise the impact because their own issues were so self absorbing.

Addiction and mental issues are often hugely selfish problems- not intentionally so but they are often are. You now need to receive the same support as you provided to ensure this is now a fully balanced relationship. Only then will it actually be OK.