Can the 'marriage' survive this?

[emanresu000]

Hello,

I need to thrash out a few ideas, and I felt that this would be a safe place to do so.

My husband and I have been married for twenty five years. We have not lived in the same house for eight years because my husband's needs as an individual with mental health challenges and autism (diagnosed 12 years ago) conflicted with our sons' needs (they also have MH issues).

However, my husband and I have seen each other every day (I work from home and this allows a lot of flexibility), shopped together, visited our respective parents together and so on. We have considered ourselves to be married but 'living apart', rather than 'separated' in any emotional or legal sense. I had also harboured the desire to return to living together one day, when our youngest son (who still lives with me) was a bit more stable.

Then, in December, my husband's mental health crashed and after taking too many tablets, he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital under section. His MH was extremely poor, and the paranoia that he has experienced all through our married life, was accompanied by psychosis. Moreover, my husband's movements and thought processes have slowed down significantly (this began prior to his admission and any medication), and his true vulnerability is all too apparent.

I have visited my husband almost every day and I am working with his social worker and the rest of his support team on the best plans for his discharge. Staff on the ward (he is still in hospital on a slightly delayed discharge) and the SW agree, after a needs assessment, that my husband needs extra care accommodation.

I have looked at the type of accommodation and I am sure that my husband would thrive there. He needs support and he also needs structured activities (of the sort he has enjoyed in hospital) and somewhere to retreat to when social interaction gets too stressful. This would be available in most of the extra care facilities that I have explored.

My problem is that, whilst I love my husband and he will always be a huge part of my life, I can see that our marriage may have a very different dynamic if/when he moves into what will be residential or semi-residential care. For example, my husband is likely to settle happily into his new routines and safe environment, but I feel a huge need to explore and meet new challenges.

I don't envisage new relationships, but rather that the gap between us will grow significantly after this move, and this has made me a little uncomfortable, perhaps there is a sense of 'loss' or 'disloyalty'.

Anyway, thank you for reading, if you have got this far. It has been cathartic to put these feelings in writing.

Your love and concern for your husband is clear. It's also clear that you want what's best for him. I understand your concerns - I would expect that your lives will feel further apart, and the hope of returning to your old 'normal' will vanish.

Of course you still have life to live, and hopes and dreams, and things you want to explore and experience. And for you own sake, and your children's, you should do those things. Your husband will be in the best place for him, and you need to be in the best 'place' for you.

It won't stop you loving him, caring for him, wanting what's best for him. But you won't do him any favours by putting your own life on hold.

You deserve happiness and joy in life. In fact, the more you allow yourself to embrace life and be 'you', the more resilient you will be for your husband and DCs when they need you.

His life is going in a different direction to yours, it looks like you are carer rather than wife. You can continue that if you want, or move on. Choice is yours, and no need to rush it.

I will just say if the role was reversed what would your thoughts be on your hubby in your shoes?
Also have you ever had a conversation with him in the past about the 'what ifs?'

I had a conversation once with my partner. He says he would take care of me no matter what happened, and visit every day if I were incapacitated. Although this is sweet - I told him I'd rather he do what he needs to do to be happy, and if that involves seeing someone who can actually participate and share in his life then this is what I'd want for him. Deep down I would hope he never stopped visiting me. But I care about his happiness overall in that circumstance.

People certainly have wildly differing views on this but I don't think anyone can really tell you what you 'should' do because there is no right or wrong answer.

Thank you everyone for this lovely support.

One idea that keeps circulating at the moment is a sort of compromise. I need to branch out a little, take up some of those challenges, perhaps travel a little when the opportunity arises, so that, when I see my husband, there are things to talk about. It could also be the case, that he could accompany me on some excursions and activities.

However, I know the situation is very fluid at the moment, and I do not even know exactly where my husband is going to live (although i know the type of accommodation). Wherever he is, I will continue to see him and contact him, but it may not be every day.

One of the most important things, at the moment, is that he has recovered sufficiently for discharge to be considered, and that he will be receiving the care he needs once he leaves hospital.