Newly-wed and step-mum to teenager - finding things really difficult

[evertheoptimist]

Don't even really know where to start with this one. Got married last May despite some strong misgivings (different backgrounds, H has history of depression and difficult relationships with relatives but had lots of positives!) and have reasonable relationship with my step-daughter who we have to stay 3 weekends out of 4. BUT, we just seem to niggle at each other constantly and this morning had a big row over something stupid yet symptomatic of a general resentment of each other. My husband earns a lot less than I do, and had less education, and constantly makes comments about that. These things don't bother me as, when things are going well, he gives me lots of affection and tenderness that I haven't found with others. However he never seems content with 'his lot' and is constantly criticising or moaning - e.g., why did I leave the bowls to soak in the basin? (he then has to take them out to start washing up! Big deal!) Dinner was too late for him to enjoy on Valentine's day, etc ,etc. I feel unappreciated and yet he says I shouldn't take these comments as criticisms - what are they if not criticisms?! I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells so as not to upset him but I feel life shouldn't be like this. he says he often thinks bout us splitting up - not because he wants to but just because he feels we're not suited. I am starting to feel the same and it frightens me...someone please bring me back down to earth and get me thinking rationally!

I dont thnk the problem is with your step daughter - its with your husband.

how long had you known each other before you got married ?

does he earn much less than you because he is in a job that is traditionally quite poorly paid - or because has never developed a career ? I speak from experience when I say that most men find a significant earning disparity difficult to cope with.

what happenned to his previous relationships ?

Does sound more like your husband and not step daughter. Have a look on this section at the thread things that have contributed to the success of your relationship, really makes a lot of sense.

This doesn't sound like anyhing to do with the teenage step daughter - and everything to do with your husbands crital and over controlling behavior.

Go to Relate.

Yes - everyone is right, it is not to do with my step-daughter (although we did have problems initially); I just mentioned her to give a bigger picture and to help qualify me to be on this site!
He is a driver and I am a teacher - he left school with no qualifications because his adoptive mum put him in a religious school which he rebelled against. He is intelligent and funny but does have a chip the size of a house on his shoulder - blames her for lack of 'success' in life and compares himself to his biological mum's kids who went to uni etc! I personally think it's time he stopped blaming others for a poor start in life - many are worse off - but I don't say or imply this to him as he can't seem to deal with the responsibility himself. He could easily get a more rewarding job but is not prepared to send of applications or face potential 'failure'. If I knew he was happy with his job I would not have any problems with being the 'bread-winner' but he is not. However, I have long stopped pointing him in the direction of job ads or even discussing it with him unless he brings it up because it is fruitless and perceived as nagging. We have been to therapy separately but he is not very willing to come with me as he did not find his session helpful, even though it's a different therapist - I think we need it but I don't think it'll work one-sided as I know that I can only change my behaviour and not his and I think he needs to be there to share his feelings too.
In terms of his previous relationships, he has a son I have never met through one previous relationship (he gets very depressed about his 'lost' son), but we both get on OK with my step-daughter's mum. In-between her and me, there were many other relationships including one 8 year partner (he had lots of women on the side, though, because he said it was fairly love-less). I don't think he is seeing anyone else now by the way. The reason I face the dilemma is that, on a good day, he is the kindest, sweetest, most loving person but more often than not he is swearing about having to take the rubbish out or moaning about his 'shit life'(he only has to do the washing up and bin duties, by the way - I do everything else!) I want more of the good times and would like him to relax and enjoy what he has a bit more instead of harking on about what he hasn't got. If I try to be supportive, he interprets it as controlling, but I see him as the controlling one. Also if ever I'm upset or ill we end up having a row because he can't seem to cope with that either - I am either the 'mummy' or the 'bad guy'; I never seem to be somewhere in between. Sometimes I feel like I should get out but other times I want to make this work and respect the marriage vows. AAAARGH!

Sorry, I didn't answer the question from Lemonstartree - we knew each other about 18 months before marriage. He is 44 and I am 36 so we didn't really see the point in waiting for ever, although I understand we are getting to know each other 'on the job' as it were!

Sounds like he thinks it's acceptable behaviour to grumble and complain, when in fact it's a bit unfair. No reason why you shouldn't give him a stern telling off when he starts sounding off about his rubbish life. Tell him how it affects you and that you love him, but you won't have it! If he's 44 it's time he dropped the act and stopped playing the rebellious teenager - he's married with 2 kids ffs.