Asking for help.

[Steph125]

Every time I’ve asked for help this weekend it’s been met with negativity.

We’ve been doing some DIY and my partner needed to get a ladder out of the shed, I also needed it for something else, he was coming out of the shed so I asked him are you not getting the ladder out, he ignored me, came in the house and put his shoes on. Saying nothing so I had to ask again and he was annoyed.

I had to make 3 different dinners simultaneously as I’m trying to encourage my children to sit at the table so asked my partner for help, he seemed annoyed and then I asked him to move so I could get to the microwave and he started slamming cupboard doors.

I told him there was a spider and he did nothing so I asked him to get rid of it and he said not right now I bet it’s tiny and I said it’s really big so he came to do it going “ffs I have to do everything around here”.

The DIY is something I wanted doing but I’ve never used a drill so it made sense for him to do it and it’s his drill from work, but he said “why don’t YOU do it”.

I had a package delivered to a neighbour and I see it as normal to pick them up ASAP. So I asked my partner to get it as I was cooking dinner. He again said YOU do it. I said I was literally frying stuff so couldn’t and he said he’d do it but started cleaning and tidying instead, seemingly to make a point that he wasn’t going to be told what to do.

we went out to a play area and I wanted a cup of tea so asked my daughter if she wanted to get a snack from the cafe with Daddy, as I also wanted a cup of tea, which I was half joking about. I hadn’t brought any money so he had his card but made me go and get it and use his card. I know this sounds selfish but I think I’m just used to the man doing those things as my dad always did. My mum would never have had to do the DIY, buy the drinks or get the spiders and she wouldn’t have been made to feel bad about receiving the help either, I remember my dad helping with the last bits of preparing dinner as well where you’re doing several things at once.

it’s a constant thing. Id love him to have a more helpful attitude. But am I being unreasonable?

I have a bit of social anxiety and spider anxiety! But he doesn’t ever make me feel looked after. I feel like I’m having to become like a single mum within the relationship.

The package and the ladder thing, sounds like he's just being a grumpy arse. But I would also find it frustrating living with someone who is deliberately helpless when it comes to spiders and drills.
It's the same as a man saying "I don't know how the washing machine works". It gets irritating.

I think you're being unreasonable. It's wrong to just assume he will do all those things because he's a man. Just put the spider in a jar and put it in the garden. Why didn't you have a bank card of your own with you to get drinks? I'm not surprised he's annoyed.

I would be happy to use a drill but it’s kept in his work van and he actually knows how to use it so it makes sense to me. He would have had to teach me how to do it. I didn’t even know it would require a wall plug etc.

We have a joint account so it’s not an issue of who pays, I left my card at home on purpose and checked he was ok to get the drinks before we left the house because we leave our bags unattended at the play centre.

It probably is me asking too much but I’m not sure doing everything in fear of asking for anything is healthy.

Doesnt sound very loving, what is he in a grump about, is he always like this? I would have a conversation with him and ask him, raise these points and say I dont understand why you wont help me. Does he feel unappreciated too? You need to communicate with each other.

It doesn’t feel very loving. + unfortunately he is always like that whenever I ask him to do anything. I hadn’t thought about it being him feeling unappreciated, it could be. There’s quite a few issues in the relationship and when I bring anything up he gets defensive rather than caring about how he’s making me feel.

My ex was like this. Hated being asked to help out at all. Felt he was being told what to do.

So I would simply do everything and be run ragged whilst he lounged on the sofa gaming or texting his latest gf.

So it's a pain in the arse because they get a strop on at being asked to help or you do everything.

It's no great situation.

However, I would just assume he's going to get narky and get on with it all myself.

He's even got me thinking I must be asking rudely. As if I should be practically begging to make him feel like doing it. We had an argument last night about it and typically he blamed me for everything and said when he goes "YOU do it" and "ffs I have to do EVERYTHING around here" were both him joking apparently, tho there was no hint of a joke at the time.

As you say you get run ragged, I asked for help with dinner because I'm always exhausted afterwards from rushing around. He quoted me asking him to move as "get out of the way!" which is crazy, who would do that?
It was more "are you going to move" then me laughing, which isn't worth slamming cupboard doors about.

He wasn't acknowledging any part in it and I should do the drilling apparently, because going out to his work van and getting his drill out, which is massive, and using it by myself makes perfect sense.