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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

contact from my long lost dad........anyone got any experience?

30 replies

queenrollo · 17/02/2008 08:23

so i'm probably thinking out loud here, and to be honest i need to talk about this somewhere but don't want to let RL friends and my family know just yet if it comes to nothing.

my real dad left when i was a baby. i have been searching for him, somewhat half-heartedly, for many years now. about 7 years ago i left a simple message on a website for families searching for missing relatives and had a few responses which were just people giving me addresses off the electoral register, all of which amounted to nothing. it wasn't a surprise as i have been sure that my dad was abroad.

life has taken some strange turns for me of late, breakdown of a longterm relationship, very soon after meeting my soulmate and then on Friday i was checking my spam folder looking for an e-mail from an old school friend when i noticed that one of the messages was a contact from the 'missing' website. expecting it to be more addresses i opened it to be greeted with a short message that simply said 'contact would be good, more if you wish'
this email is apparently from my real dad. i have responded cautiously asking him to write back with some detail or information that will confirm for me who he is.
i'm having to stop myself from constantly checking my e-mail for a reply. a huge part of me is not expecting one, because i'm scared to be too optimistic about this in case it mounts to nothing.

i really do want this to be my dad, i'm not sure what sort of relationship we will have if it is. i'm going into this expecting it to be hard work emotionally, and not having expectations of a loving father/daughter relationship......but right now i just want to hear from him, and though it feels strange i just want him to get on a plane and come and hug me.
i've had no contact with my father at all in my life. He has been 'missing' in that he has travelled the world and sent a few letters to his family but the last contact was in the late 80's. this is not a surprise given the family history (abusive mother etc)

has anyone else established contact with an absent parent?
i'm not naive enough to think this is going to be easy, even we establish a good relationship i'm aware this is going to be very hard for my mum and dad (who i call dad, because he's done all the things a dad should do)

OP posts:

ellied · 17/02/2008 12:34

Hi there. In June 2006 myself and my sister finally made the first move to get in touch with our dad. I hadn't seen him nor had a single word from him since 1976!!! We got in touch with him because, as with you, a number of circumstances changed within our family and we realised that the perceptions that we had of him were mainly based on the opinions of other family members. To be honest I asked myself one question 'how would i feel if I got a message that he had died before I had a chance of meeting/talking to him?' I decided to bite the bullet and we went to see him. To be honest we have been very lucky in that he turned out to be a lovely man who has made a lot of effort to get to know us and keep in touch - You have to keep in mind that whatever it was that took him away from you may not be as cut and dried as family members would have you think.

Original poster

queenrollo · 17/02/2008 14:06

my mum has never really talked about him to be honest, always just said he was a free spirit and wanted to travel the world.
with my recent relationship breakdown mum has opened up about my dad, and he wasn't all nice, but not terrible either.......i get the feeling that my mum falling pregnant wasn't planned and he really wasn't ready for the committment. They did try to make it work but he just wasn't mature enough to settle down, so eventually my mum left him. He broke her heart.....

i do understand why he might have gradually reduced contact with his family......but if this is my dad who had got in touch then he'll have a chance now to tell me things from his perspective. I can't trust anything my dad's family say as they all live in a fantasy world. the few things i can take as fact about him are details contained in the two letters i have that he sent in the 80's.

still had no response to my email.......i guess i'll just have to wait and see what happens

OP posts:

coastalmum · 17/02/2008 14:14

I'll be watching your thread, hoping you get some good news.

My brothers and I are waiting to get email from South African poilce (last country my dad was known to be in 1998) to find out whether they've found him, or that he's dead. I wish I started looking for him earlier.

I must check my emails hourly when ever I'm home.

ellied · 17/02/2008 15:58

queenrollo, remember that whatever went on in the past was between your mum and dad, not you and your dad. Good luck and go for it, you have everything to gain and not much to lose, thats how I looked at it awayway. I really hope it all works out for you, and for you too coastalmum. Keep me posted...

pedilia · 17/02/2008 16:02

I found my birth father when I was 21, I had never seen him.
I rarely see him nowadays, I am glad I got the chance to meet him but don't feel we have any kind of relationship, I think we were expecting very different things.

Good luck to you though, keep us updated and i hope things work out for you

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 17/02/2008 16:03

I never saw my father as a child except for a couple of times. I happened to bump in to him when I was 18 but wouldn't speak to him. I finally spoke to him when I was 34 and my nan was dying. We had about 3-4 conversations and both said it felt so normal. Circumstances intervened and we now have no contact and I doubt we ever will.

be hopeful and excited but just start off by looking at him becoming a new friend. He might end up being your dad.

Good luck.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 17/02/2008 16:04

pedilia You okay?

pedilia · 17/02/2008 17:31

yes thanks NA

It has never bothered me, just one of those things.
It did put me off ever trying to find my birth mother though (she left us when we were 1)

BrownSuga · 17/02/2008 17:41

My father got in touch by letter via my mother when I was 26, I think my parents split when I was 1-2yrs or so. Not sure, wasn't really a topic I could talk to my mother about (DV - he since had counselling and sorted out his issues). He'd had a heart attack which prompted the latest. He had tried for a long time, but mother wouldn't let him stay in my life and in fact did some underhanded things to push him away, so gave up, moved countries, married, had another 2 children.

It was quite surreal. I met the family, his wife very lovingly accepted me right into it, but felt very overwhelmed. It was too much too fast. They were trying to make up for lost time I suppose. So advice from me would be just take it slow, at your pace, not his. I felt that he'd just be a relative, not my father, as I had a dad who raised me. I didn't tell my dad about meeting him, my mother probably did. But he only had her side of the story, so was not impressed that I had this father who hadn't had anything to do with me, then all of sudden wanted to, after my dad had done the hard work.

He died 3 years ago now, just as they were coming out to my wedding. His wife said he was very happy, and I'm very glad I had the opportunity to get to know him a bit (we were very alike), and to meet my half-siblings. I'm still in touch with his wife and kids, and she is now a grandmother to my little one.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 17/02/2008 17:44

That's great, pedilia, but tbh I meant when your ex didn't bring back you son when expected. There were pages of bumping as we were all so concerned.

pedilia · 17/02/2008 19:47

oh bless you all, i didn't realise, things were so hectic.

The police were really good and rung me several times over the xmas period, he returned him the saturday after xmas

The police went to his mums house as that was the only address I had, she contacted him and he finally rang me on xmas day.
He actaully told the police that he has a court order to have him half the holidays, what a lie!!!!!

Anyway DS1 is back safe and sound and ex had to give me his address, so at least I know where he is and hopefully the CSA can finally track him down.

Thanks everyone for all your concern.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 20/02/2008 17:30

That's great! We were all really concerned, especially when you didn't come back to the thread. Is everything sorted officially now?

Original poster

queenrollo · 22/02/2008 16:31

i still haven't had a response

i'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up. i'd almost resigned myself to going through life with this as an unresolved issue. to get this e-mail out of the blue at such an emotional time in my life has knocked me for six.

i just sent another mail.....just saying maybe he has sporadic internet access, the mails are going into his spam filter and he's not looking in there, or he's changed his mind about contact. and could he please get in touch as i have so much to tell him.

i feel so frustrated by this......stopping myself from checking my e-mail all the time. i'm almost beginning to wish i'd never heard from him at all.

OP posts:

coastalmum · 22/02/2008 16:33

I've been checking this thread as much as I've been checking my emails.

I hope he contacts you soon, even if it is to say he's changed his mind. The waiting is so hard.

Original poster

queenrollo · 22/02/2008 16:38

you've still had no news then? i'm sorry to hear that.

i'm lucky i have great support here.....i've spent years thinking maybe he was dead (reference to a health issue in his last letter)and found his absence particularly hard just after the birth of my son.

i've told my real dad that i haven't told anyone in the family that i've heard from him and won't do unless he is ok with that. i don't want to scare him off and have to stop myself from mailing him daily. i have so much to tell him, i want to tell him he is a grandad but i don't want to write this stuff to him if he doesn't want contact.

OP posts:

coastalmum · 22/02/2008 16:43

Only news I've had is that Interpol involved and if he can't be traced he'll be declared legally dead. Which is great for various legal probs but still doesn't offer any closure for me and my brothers.

jenkel · 22/02/2008 21:01

Hi, My Dh never knew his dad but managed to trace him to NZ, went to meet him when DH was about 23. Obviously a very emotional first meeting, he spent 2 weeks with him in NZ, DH's dad has also spent time with us in the UK. Its obvious that his dad leads a completely different way of life to us and they dont seem to have too much in common, they do have a relationship but its certainly not a father/son relationship. But DH is pleased that he got to meet his dad and it answered a lot of questions.

violinmum · 22/02/2008 21:46

hi queenrollo. never knew my dad, my parents had me when they were 17/18 and he left soon after. my mum wouldn't talk about him when i was young but he got in contact with me through my granny when i turned 21. he lives in a different country and we've had sporadic email contact. i know the feeling of checking my email constantly for days so well! unfortunately my dad turned out to be quite manipulative and unpredictable, a long story, but i dont think we'll ever have contact again. however i am glad i tried with him. it tied up 'loose ends' in my head. it is important to try and get to know your parents. just take it slowly,dont give him ur address, phone number and be wary. i hope it works out!!

Original poster

queenrollo · 22/02/2008 21:56

thankyou guys.....

i've been very careful not to give any details to him, although to be honest....i've never moved out of the area i was born, and most of his family are back here now, so if he came back he would find me very easily.

still no response......i'm beginning to think i won't hear back.

OP posts:

Original poster

queenrollo · 12/03/2008 22:18

tonight i spoke to my dad on the phone after a 30 year absence (i'm 32)

we've agreed to keep to e-mail for the time being as he only has a mobile number and is living in Berlin.

so happy to have the chance to get to know him

OP posts:

mamalovesmojitos · 12/03/2008 23:39

hi qr. thats amazing! i used to be violinmum, posted above. so strange, my dad lives in Germany too. how was the call? was it long? this is a night you'll never forget. good to hear you're happy. congrats!

coastalmum · 13/03/2008 10:03

What fantastic news Queenrollo

Original poster

queenrollo · 13/03/2008 13:15

it was about a 20 minute call......he was made up when i told him he's a grandad

hope some of the others on here can have a conclusion the same as i have. i feel so lucky that my dad is still alive and i have the chance to get to know him.

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 13/03/2008 16:27

My dad died recently, hadn't seen him for 30 years. I never got the chance to meet him. I'd say go for it.

Original poster

queenrollo · 01/10/2008 10:35

updating this rather than starting a new thread........

i have had regular e-mail contact with B (my real dad) and we are getting on great. Not made plans to travel to meet up yet (mainly for money reasons) but it has been great having the chance to get to know him.
He got in touch after so many years because he had a stroke and it made him realise that he should at least try to find me in case i had questions to ask.
I think having the geographical distance has been a great help, because if he was in this country i think we would have been too eager to meet up. Getting to know each other via e-mail and three phone calls has meant it has happened at a very steady pace.
I take it as it comes, i know it may not alwasy be this great as we're still very early days.........

OP posts:

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