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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend dumped, now friend trying to reel me back in

14 replies

Helpisneeded100 · 30/04/2023 10:27

Sorry for the long post but don’t to drop feed! Friend dumped me and also another close friend, this happened over the course of a few years. For me the friend still asked for lots of childcare favours and always sends her kid round to my house, even though she didn’t want to see me socially etc all the while telling me about her nights etc with her new friends and often ignoring me. it really affected me and I became quite anxious about it and spent a lot of time wondering what I had done wrong while all the while she was asking for multiple favours every week. Anyway I eventually realised after talking to another friend that I hadn’t done anything wrong as she did the same to her. So it was hard but i started to pull away and put some distance between us but always remained kind and polite as we have a few mutual friends in common so will still see her through them & our kids are at the same school, same year and she lives on our street.

So I felt I made peace with the situation we aren’t as close as we were but still in contact due to friends, school etc

But the friends she dumped me for have now dumped her and she is trying to reel me back in. Being overly nice and asking to meet up etc and it’s making me feel really stressed out. I do not want to go back to how it was, mainly because I now see the friendship was mainly one sided and I was used a lot for childcare. Also I know the next time someone else comes along she thinks is more popular etc she will dump me again and I do not want to be in that position again. I guess there are 2 things upsetting me:

  1. I feel stressed she is trying to reel me back in & I don’t want to go back but hate having to come up with reasons for us not to meet.
  2. My other friend who was dumped has now started spending more time with her. This is totally none of my business, I truly know this but I still feel a bit upset. I guess it also makes me wonder if I should forget about the past and let her in again? Am I being difficult? My gut says no but I do tend to doubt myself.
Has anyone been in this situation before? Any advice MN? Thank you do you read this far.
OP posts:
WonkeyDonkey99 · 30/04/2023 10:41

Trust your gut. I’ve been here with these type of “friends” before and they don’t change! They only want you back when it goes tits up with other people.
She sounds like a complete user and you’re better off without her. I’d still be polite but wouldn’t go any further than that. It’s not worth the stress to your life that she’d inevitably bring with her.

Shoelacesundone · 30/04/2023 10:44

You'd be better off cutting all contact. Just reply to her last message with "sorry but this isn't working for me. We stopped socialising a long time ago." Block.

tailinthejam · 30/04/2023 10:45

The minute you give an inch, she'll take a mile and in will come the requests for childcare and whatever else again. Stay friendly and polite, but leave it at that.

Original poster
Helpisneeded100 · 30/04/2023 11:01

Shoelacesundone · 30/04/2023 10:44

You'd be better off cutting all contact. Just reply to her last message with "sorry but this isn't working for me. We stopped socialising a long time ago." Block.

I hear you but I feel this isn’t an option as I would also need to stop socialising with our mutual friends too and I don’t want to do that, as I really value those friendships and would miss them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpisneeded100 · 30/04/2023 11:02

tailinthejam · 30/04/2023 10:45

The minute you give an inch, she'll take a mile and in will come the requests for childcare and whatever else again. Stay friendly and polite, but leave it at that.

You are so right, she is already trying to get some childcare favours now and so far I am trying to hold firm! It’s just all so exhausting 😥

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 11:03

If she messages you and doesn’t ask a question, don’t reply. If she does ask a question, take a while to answer and just respond briefly and without any need for her to respond further eg “no, I can’t make that” or “I already have plans” etc.

SaulSobieski · 30/04/2023 15:56

My other friend who was dumped has now started spending more time with her. This is totally none of my business, I truly know this but I still feel a bit upset. I guess it also makes me wonder if I should forget about the past and let her in again? Am I being difficult? My gut says no but I do tend to doubt myself.

No the other friend is just being a mug.

honeylulu · 30/04/2023 18:14

Your instinct is right. Resist. This happened to me too. The friend who dumped me got cut off from new friends - people I'd introduced her to but who she decided were cooler and I was surplus to requirements. Things shifted socially (children went to different schools etc) and she realised she needed me to re-establish the link and was all nicey nicey again. Saw right through it. No thanks!

Yogameup · 30/04/2023 18:19

I couldn't be bothered with someone who dumped me for a better offer.

BMW6 · 30/04/2023 20:54

Just keep saying No to requests. You can be polite, but stick to your guns.

If she pushes and asks why not, just say you simply don't want to.

billy1966 · 30/04/2023 21:38

Listen to your gut.

You will regret it if you don't.

Take a long time to reply, slow fade her.

She is a total user.

Don't be used.

Remain polite and friendly, but listen to your gut that is trying to protect you.

Do not respond to texts for favours.

She's a CF.

Stuf · 30/04/2023 21:53

I think you can be friendly and polite whilst not providing childcare and not being a close friend. Keep clear boundaries, dismiss every childcare request and eventually she will stop asking.

Original poster
Helpisneeded100 · 01/05/2023 09:21

Morning MN’s, thank you all so much for your replies, they all really help me to feel better and realise I am not going crazy. I have mixed feelings about our other friend spending more time with her again. It really is none of my business but I guess I feel a bit let down as I thought we were on the same page as each other and I feel sad to realise we are not. But again this is none of my business and it’s up to our friend to have the relationship she wants. If I am being really honest with myself I needed my other friends validation to distance myself. Now that she is getting closer again it makes me wonder if I am doing the right thing. I know I am but I guess I need to work on myself to not need validation from anyone else, which is a while other thread!

Mn’s you are all so fab and have helped me work through this, thank you 🙏

OP posts:
Mehmeh22 · 07/05/2023 15:13

Your OP has just helped me put into focus on a similar situation. Thank you.

Your friend has the choice to go back if she wants as much as you have the choice not to. User friend obviously hurt both of you, but she's decided to forgive and forget.

I think you are not at that stage yet, which is completely fine. She's clearly hurt you a lot and you're not able to detach from the emotion yet. So for that reason, it really is best, for now, to stay clear. Don't feel guilty for that. You're making a healthy choice.

Anyway, your friend might be coming back to you telling you all about the User antics soon enough lol.

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