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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving the kids behind .. ...

19 replies

Anonymous32 · 30/04/2023 08:01

Me and oh are separating (mutual descion) we have a mortgage and I've posted before to say he cannot leave this house. (Reasons I can't say too outing). I'm going back to my mums, he works 12 hour shifts half the week so I'm thinking I could come back to the house and keep the children here ? (Oh agrees) Dcs are 14 and 10. Then go to my mums when oh comes back. This would have to happen untill I have a new home. Is this an awful idea ? I don't want to uproot them and drag them somewhere where they don't want to be 😔. I'll be seen as the one who left the kids though, this I can't get my head around.

OP posts:
VioletPickles · 30/04/2023 08:06

Is there space in the house for separate bedrooms? So you could co-parent, not leave, but be separated from your relationship?

Original poster
Anonymous32 · 30/04/2023 08:10

Yes that's our current situation, there's other people who live in this house also. I dont want to be here stuck in this situation long term. X

OP posts:
BetweenWhatAndWhat · 30/04/2023 08:17

Do you live with some of his family? Is he going to be able to buy out your share?

I don't see this as you leaving the kids, more that they are staying put and you guys are rotating being with them.

Dery · 30/04/2023 08:25

“I don't see this as you leaving the kids, more that they are staying put and you guys are rotating being with them.”

This. I think it’s fine.

Original poster
Anonymous32 · 30/04/2023 08:25

BetweenWhatAndWhat · 30/04/2023 08:17

Do you live with some of his family? Is he going to be able to buy out your share?

I don't see this as you leaving the kids, more that they are staying put and you guys are rotating being with them.

Haha yes exactly that 😄. He will eventually, just trying to see how it will work, I don't want people seeing me as the one who's abandoned her kids... but most ppl know are situation so would see why I've been the one to go. Also shit scared of having to start from scratch but know its for the best x

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 30/04/2023 08:27

It’s the most sensible thing to do, once you’re sorted with your own place then you can have joint custody. No point uprooting the kids in my opinion

SunnyLion · 30/04/2023 08:33

As long as your kids understand what's happening and what your future plans are, fuck everyone else!

Original poster
Anonymous32 · 30/04/2023 08:43

SunnyLion · 30/04/2023 08:33

As long as your kids understand what's happening and what your future plans are, fuck everyone else!

Needed to hear that. Thankyou x

OP posts:
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 30/04/2023 08:59

Will the kids live there permanently, or until you find a new home to live in them they will move in with you.

If not then you going round to look after them isn't realistic long term. Also what happens with cm, as you don't have them overnight you'll have to pay him.

It's ok as an interim solution but not long term

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 30/04/2023 09:01

Will you get your share out of the house the buy somewhere else?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 30/04/2023 09:01

*to

caringcarer · 30/04/2023 09:05

Sounds like you are doing the best for your kids that you can. I'm sure you'd rather have them live with you but with no accommodation it would not be fair to uproot them. I hope you get yourself a flat soon. Don't take any notice of what others say or think. Just do what you think is best for you and kids.

Original poster
Anonymous32 · 30/04/2023 09:07

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 30/04/2023 08:59

Will the kids live there permanently, or until you find a new home to live in them they will move in with you.

If not then you going round to look after them isn't realistic long term. Also what happens with cm, as you don't have them overnight you'll have to pay him.

It's ok as an interim solution but not long term

He won't want cm, I'll have to wait a year or 2 to save up for another place and weigh up my options either renting or buying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous32 · 30/04/2023 09:08

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 30/04/2023 09:01

Will you get your share out of the house the buy somewhere else?

I probably won't be able to get my self on the property ladder again, but he will buy me out at some point x

OP posts:
Naunet · 30/04/2023 09:24

But how will you work if you’re doing all the day to day childcare?

Original poster
Anonymous32 · 30/04/2023 09:29

Naunet · 30/04/2023 09:24

But how will you work if you’re doing all the day to day childcare?

I work, kids are in full time school, there pretty independent and we have child care currently living with us. There 10 and 14, 14 year old usually babysitts if both me and ex partner are working and no ones in the house.

OP posts:
Naunet · 30/04/2023 09:36

Anonymous32 · 30/04/2023 09:29

I work, kids are in full time school, there pretty independent and we have child care currently living with us. There 10 and 14, 14 year old usually babysitts if both me and ex partner are working and no ones in the house.

Show quote history

So if this arrangement wouldn’t impact your ability to work and earn money, I’d say it sounds like a good solution!

dunroamingfornow · 30/04/2023 10:09

They call this bird nesting and it's been found to be of benefit for children. Not unusual in the Netherlands where some parents live outside the family home after separation and the children stay put with less disruption for them. Think of it as flipping the usual contact script to make it easier for the children?

Original poster
Anonymous32 · 30/04/2023 10:38

dunroamingfornow · 30/04/2023 10:09

They call this bird nesting and it's been found to be of benefit for children. Not unusual in the Netherlands where some parents live outside the family home after separation and the children stay put with less disruption for them. Think of it as flipping the usual contact script to make it easier for the children?

It's all I've thought about 😔 and I do think this is the best possible way to live for the time being x

OP posts:
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