Craving connection

[Lolailo]

I am a 40 years old mom of 2. I have been single since my divorce 7 years ago.

In this time, I have had a couple of coworkers ask me out and I have dated another couple of guys from OLD for 2 months each. I tried to keep an open mind and don't discard anyone too soon. But I was just not feeling it.

However, I have noticed something that I don't know if it is coincidence or worth worrying about. I was put off immediately just after I had sex with them. First I was not physically attracted in the first place, so I guess it makes sense. Seeing him naked was not... sexy. Second was pretty crappy at sex. Third... sex was good. But he left right after. I think that made me feel empty somehow. And I decided it was not the guy for me.

It has been three years since. Guys #2 and #3 came back in the picture. And I have had a couple more guys from a hobby showing interest.

Im single because I love deeply and cant be botheted with crumbs. I crave the emotional connection but a hookup would probably make feel more empty. However it has been so long that when #3 told me today how he remembered last time we had wine we ended up having sex... I almost invited him to come over.

I don't know what my question is. I am confused. I don't want hookups. But I feel lonely.

cant be botheted with crumbs.

And yet that is all you’re getting

Yes, and that's why I'm single.

I’m the same. I crave connection and must find the man physically attractive (and be turned on by him). I think this is why I’ve ended up in a mess in my life and lonely. I hadn’t really dated much in my teens/early 20’s and I ended up married an older man (I met him at 21) who I knew, deep down, I wasn’t physically attracted to but we got on ok (hindsight now tells me that this was nothing more than friendship). I always knew there was something missing (marriage was sexless for many years and lacked affection) but lived with it and learned to accept it until, many years later, another man awakened me from the depths of ‘acceptance’ and I ended up leaving my marriage. OM, sadly, is married and things should never have developed! He is still in my life - we have that connection in every way. We are the best of friends but it kills me that I can’t have him. I have tried, and tried to date other men but have started to lose hope of finding someone. It’s very, very rare to find that connection with someone. I think the people who have this are the ones most likely to stay married till death do they part.

Like you, I have been offered crumbs and I know OM has done the same with me - although he shows care towards me - so it’s tough emotionally.

My parents divorced when I was 8 and my dad ended up with someone else and didn’t bother with me so I didn’t have a father growing up. My mum remained single and didn’t even date. I do wonder if this affected me.

I think I will remain single which is tragic. I’m extremely passionate and love deeply. It’s just awful.

As I was in a dead marriage I missed out on affection etc. and it has affected me a lot. I regret living like this for so long.

No advice but I am in the same boat.

But instead you’re having multiple unsatisfactory sexual interactions

It sounds like crumbs to me

Are you really clear with yourself on what it is you're looking for (rather than not looking for) in a partner? An actual set of boxes that must be ticked!

I think that helps a lot. Not only to flick the ones who don't make the grade, but so that when you see those qualities you value, you are motivated to put some time in, explore a connection beyond sexual attraction.

Lol I haven't had sex since before covid... and the "multiple sexual interactions" are a total of 3 in 7 years. I would call that a LACK of sexual interactions!

And again, that's not what I am craving. Sex is easy to get. But what I am looking for, emotional connection, is hiding.

@TulipsandButterflies that's interesting. My parents also divorced (when I was an adult) and my mo has never dated in the 20 years since. She has actually quite isolated herself becoming my grandparents' caregiver.

On the other hand, my dad has a partner for 12 years and that side of the family is very integrated (the partner is my kid's godmother). They travel and enjoy life.

I have never talked with my mom about it other than telling her she needs to get our and telling her off for fending off the friends who called her to meet. I believe she is depressed but doesn't want the help or to change things.

I have had other things to deal with in the last 7 years, solo parenting and a full time job. Of course, ads covid to it. So when I say how long I have been single, it is not the same time I have actively tried to date. But I have given it a try here and there and gave up. Awful ROI where I live.

Thank you for asking. I lnow what I value, and also my feal breakers. But I live in a big city, where even the basics are hard to find!!!
When I say basics, I mean have a job, be independent (don't love in your parent's basement), be single. When I talk about dealbreakers I am also not very picky: non smoker, no drugs, don't abuse alcohol. If you have kids, don't be a deadbeat.

From around 15-20 dates, only 2 didn't scream red flags on the first date and made it to a second. From those two, they didn't have the basics ^

Red flags:

• Man asked me to go to the bedroom. I told him I didn't want to have sex with him. He got naked.
• Man told me he was an IT manager. When I asked more about his job... he happened to be an accountant, "but everybody asked him to fix their computers"
• Badmouthed ex wife for half the date

Etc

I don’t think it’s very complex
you are virile and you want both sexual connection and some intimacy and good times

most people want that !

maybe be a bit more open minded and take a few risks
try and meet different people and do different things
Don’t assume that good sex and intimacy has to look a certain way or come in this package

and don’t assume all men are bastards
they are as lonely and messed up as all of us