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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this emotional abuse? Am I the wrong one? I’m confused

9 replies

Hellyaa · 29/04/2023 19:15

I think I just need a handhold. DH drinking has got increasingly worse. Last night he had a total vodka binge and fell asleep snoring loudly in my ears when he finally stumbled to bed. Every time he does this I’m terrified he’ll fall down the stairs or hit his head, etc. He says he is going to get help but never does. I’ve stopped rescuing and offering advice and support. I don’t feel seen and treated like a wife should be.

Today I went out on a social outing, I’ve not had the confidence to do this for ages. Come home and I’d left my lunch on the table which I’d not managed to eat. I’d gone to get my phone in another room and he’d put my lunch in the bin. He thought it was rubbish but hadn’t asked me. I was really cross and upset as I thought he’d ask before disposing but he couldn’t understand this and stormed off.

He’s got increasingly aggressive in the way he has spoken to me, calling me unreasonable, saying I make his life hard. It really hurt me so I said I didn’t want to go out for an evening meal with him and the children. His reaction was to scream he’d had enough, storm out and say he is staying at his parents house, which he needs to sort as both are recently deceased. I’m aware some may say this is his grief but he’s been like this for years, critical of me, stonewalling, blocking my calls. This evening I was really worried he’d do something stupid and begged him to ring me back which he did, said he’d be back in the morning and reminded me how much I’d ruined his life.

I feel stunned this evening, I’m not in love anymore but I do still get scared for him with his erratic behaviour. My family live abroad and if they knew, I’m really not sure whether they’d be able to help. Luckily the children were out but this behaviour is seen and will be hurting them.

Please help!

OP posts:
pointythings · 29/04/2023 19:31

Yes, he is abusive and you need to leave. The drink just makes him worse. Time for you to start planning your divorce.

billy1966 · 29/04/2023 19:37

You poor woman.

Appalling abuse for years.

Your children will be well aware how bad things are and be very confused.

Reach out to family and friends.

Get legal advice and plan to leave.

Stop wasting time.

Protect your children.

I'm sorry its so hard, but save yourself.

Hellyaa · 29/04/2023 19:37

Thank you @pointythings , in what way as he totally denies his behaviour? This angry behaviour is also alongside martyrdom, making himself out to the children that I’m terrible and horrible to him.

I can argue back but it’s usually in retaliation to his actions. I end up just exhausted and going to bed.

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Hellyaa · 29/04/2023 19:38

Thank you@billy1966 , I’m taking those steps and judging by him storming off tonight, I think he is now too.

I try to shield them but it’s not easy.

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MadameOvary · 29/04/2023 19:53

Yes he is abusive. You don't need to articulate how in terms of trying to discuss it with him, as he will not listen to reason and will deny, minimise, and blame everything on you.

I was in an abusive relationship for years. It wears you down. Despite everything, I wanted it to work. I loved him. I didn't understand that things would never change.

Instead of putting energy into the relationship, put it into yourself and your kids. Your husband feels ENTITLED to behave this way. At no point will he be able to face his issues, let alone do anything about them, so don't wait for him to suddenly realise how damaging his behaviour is, because he wont.

I do understand how hard it is to leave, and why. But you and your kids deserve a life free of abuse.

pointythings · 29/04/2023 19:58

@Hellyaa him denying the behaviour doesn't make it not abusive. In fact, it adds a layer of abuse because he is gaslighting you by telling you that he didn't do anything like the thing you mentioned, or if he did, it wasn't that bad, or if it was, you deserved it.

He's ground you down over the years with his blocking, stonewalling and criticism, all of which are abusive too. I really hope the blinkers are now firmly off and that you can find the strength to leave him.

Hellyaa · 29/04/2023 20:14

@MadameOvary @pointythings the blinkers are definitely off as his behaviour is vile but I very much do feel worn out. I just don’t have the strength currently. I’m like a zombie tonight, emotionally drained and this morning I thought I was in such a happy place.

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pointythings · 29/04/2023 20:21

@Hellyaa you don't have to do everything all at once. Take your time, think things through, start low key preparations for your exit. Safety first at all times. Work out who you can tell in RL and who will be able to provide you with support. Contact Women's Aid and Rights of Women so you know exactly where you stand. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint.

But use your newfound clarity to keep looking at that light at the end of the tunnel. It isn't an oncoming train, it's freedom.

Hellyaa · 29/04/2023 22:32

Thank you @pointythings you’re so right, I’ll start sorting, I’ve put off for too long.

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