Conflicted feelings

[Sparklinglemon]

I know I need to separate from/divorce DH. I have known it for years but especially this past year. Its going to probably be at least another year though before I have all my ducks in a row.

I am finding this situation of living together so difficult. I feel stressed and anxious just being around him. He is between jobs at the moment, so is at home all the time. But then he occasionally does something kind, or I see him talking to one of the kids and I think "aw, he's a nice dad". I know he will struggle very much if we separate and I feel extremely guilty about that. I also feel terrible at the thought of breaking up the family. In a way I know he is trying to be a good husband and father, but somehow it is difficult for him.

But then I have to remember why I want to separate (minimal engagement with the family, ongoing depression, selfish behaviour, anger, control issues, minimal housework etc) and I know I can't stay in this relationship.

Anybody else relate to these conflicted feelings? How do I stop feeling guilty and responsible for him?!

Yes, I can understand how you feel. I’m four years out from separation now. Bizarrely, I still feel guilty and sorry for him at times! Despite him not being particularly nice to me when married, or now especially. I think for me it is down to the fact we were very co-dependent and almost like we acted as each other’s parent rather than an equal romantic partner. When there has been unhealthy dynamics it is very difficult to see things like you would in a much more healthy/normal romantic pairing.

Sending hugs and strength. It is so so hard!

@Thegrassroots26 Thank you! Yes, that's exactly it - we acted like each other's parents too, and it has been a very unhealthy dynamic. I have now mostly stepped out of it, and know I need to leave, but I still feel responsible and guilty.

I'm sorry it's still hard for you. I find myself wishing that my DH would start an affair/relationship with someone else, then I wouldn't have to worry about him being lonely and sad! 🤦‍♀️

I split from my fiance last year. Huge guilt and worry for him. He's happy as Larry now.

Honestly don't take another year. It will be alright, you can do it. (I've helped so many women leave and push through, and just get better and better. I was a DV advisor.)

@something2say that's really reassuring to hear!

I have mentally given myself the timescale of a year as all the logistics feel overwhelming. I have been the primary carer of the children for years but I am sure DH would not want to move out, so the house would have to be sold, and new houses found for us both. Our house needs a huge amount of decluttering and has a lot of work/ decorating that still needs doing to it, but I guess I will have to leave that and it will just have to be sold as it is. I am also in the middle of changing jobs. I think I need to go to the CAB and get some advice on how to proceed with everything.

I know what you mean. I am in the same situation but in addition to that I feel he is looking for an escape route. Though he is so vile He can't do it...