Could I accept that move?

[MoveWorries]

So DH wants to move back to his childhood home. It’s a couple of hours away from where we live. FIL is still living there and the plan is to build an annex for him (for various reasons, I suspect it will take a good year for that to happen).
It’s DH dream. Living in that area has always been his dream. That’s where he is happy. But for various reasons, this is not something that could happen until now.

I am dreading it.
i can’t see myself ever integrating in that environment. It’s lost in the middle of nowhere. Unlike DH who still has links there, I’d have to rebuild my life from scratch. The house is unsuitable etc…
But I’m chronically ill and I’m feeling trapped. Financially and physically (I would struggle on my own) as DH ‘kindly’ pointed out.

I can’t see how to make this works.
If we go, DH is happy and I doubt ill be happy.
If we dont go, DH will be resentful and unhappy. Which means I’ll end up unhappy too.
I’ve actually been thinking about staying where we are whilst DH moves there. Sort of ‘being together but living apart ‘ arrangement but I’m not even sure if we could make it work financially (and if DH would accept that).
Tbh I think this move (regardless of what we do has the potential of splitting us up - not something DH has considered i suspect)

I can’t think of any way to make this work…. 😢😢

I am sympathetic. But sometimes it can help to turn things 9n their head.

How about thinking "for this to work i would need" and defining what would need to happen....

I'm in a totally different shit situation at the moment and after spending months upset I found it quite helpful to say...OK...if this thing I don't want is happening, despite my feelings, what do I need to make it tolerable.

I'm not suggesting you just do what your husband wants but it might be worth challenging your idea that you'll be completely unhappy and never fit in by planning ways to get the experiences, activities and other things you associate with happiness

I have no idea how to make it tolerable. I genuinely can’t simply because the things that brings me joy and make my life tolerable now will become near impossible due to the location and how hard it is to get anywhere.

eg instead of taking a direct train to see dc (station is a 10 mins walk from home), I’d need a 1/2 hour drive plus 1 train change - that’s with a wheelchair and very limited energy in the first place. Hence the trip becomes impossible iyswim

I see....and I'm.guessing your husband hasn't offered any reassurance like he will drive you, come with you etc....and even if he did you'd be losing some of your independence due to the location of the place...

If you wanted to stay put us that financially an option....and what do you anticipate partner will say?

If you think this breaks you up in either scenario - I’d skip to the end and start planning the like that is possible after that happens.
See what that life can be. And then compare that life to the possible life with H in that new (old) place. Pick the less bad scenario?

If it is the Move - then, given your wheelchair requirements - at a minimum - I’d insist that the house is modified and made suitable before. I’d also insist the annex is actually built prior to the move.

And then I’d also think what needs to work for you to be happier there - and get your H to agree and commit to making it happen. For eg - he will need to help making it easier to visit your child, etc

@MoveWorries do you mind me asking if either of you work and what ages you are? Has your FIL any health problems ie will your DH end up being his carer? We kind of need more info to know what might be considered fair to your DH and yourself.

So he wants to move to a set up that works for him and his dad but is totally unsuitable for you. And you are wondering if you're being unreasonable. I don't think so. I think this is a statement that you are low down the priority list.

Has your husband been vocally unhappy for a long time about where you live now? What has now made the move possible?

I would suggest the living separately option. Point out that the move takes away all your life pleasures and will make you more dependent on him, at a time when he'll presumably be becoming a carer for his dad too? See if that's how he imagined it.

So he's prepared to look after his Dad is he?

It sounds like it would be very isolating for you. What would your life look like if you split up?

I think your DH is being nostalgic about his childhood home and the reality of looking after an aging parent.

Yes DH has been unhappy where we live like forever.
He was living here when I met him and has always refused to move anywhere else though (I had proposed him to move in a similar location when we first had dcs which he refused….).

What changed things is covid and the fact he can now wfh so can keep his job and move.
And MIL died. But yes this was organised by him and FIL with little to no input from me.
FIL has some health issues though so realistically will need more support in the next years. Yes DH might end up being his carer if we live there. But FIL also has a dd living about 20mins away and has a strong community network around ….. he isn’t totally in his own iyswim

If it is the Move - then, given your wheelchair requirements - at a minimum - I’d insist that the house is modified and made suitable before. I’d also insist the annex is actually built prior to the move.

@MMmomDD I think you’re right. This is a minimum isn’t it?
One of my fears (knowing how DH is) is that he is going to agree on all those modifications for the house but they won’t happen for years…..

@InternetRandom ive explained all that to him. How it’s going to make my life much less enjoyable.
I think he sees me at home, lying down most if the time so is thinking that here or there won’t change anything for me. He said something similar when I had to fully stop work 18 months ago (as you are not working anymore, nothing is stopping us from moving now)

And I do feel that my needs are right at the bottom of the pile (again?). That hurts too.

@MoveWorries
Exactly my point - I’d agree beforehand that move only happens AFTER the house is actually modified.
This will both ensure it happens, and, realistically - probably delay it.

Well there are other options. You could move closer to his childhood home but in a more accessible town so you feel less trapped. Would that work? Alternatively you could stay where you are and build an annexe for FIL or move to a suitable house in your current town.

So tough for you.
Sibling moved back to our childhood area. They still had some connections there, their spouse had none. They were isolated and friendless which, as you can imagine, caused huge relationship issues.
They are now divorced.

Tell you refuse to consider it until you've approved the modification plans and the builder is booked.

@MoveWorries Do not allow your husband to coerce you into moving when you do not want to. You are much stronger than you think and need to fight for what you want and is best for you . I don't think the delaying tactic of getting him to agree on building plans and modifications is a good one if you are certain you do not want to move there.

Would this be a kind of final destination for your retirement years? Then you should be able to do what you want and what makes you happy!
I know from personal experience that giving in to make DH happy and by which you loose the friends and life you built up over many years is a huge mistake, (major depression and suicidal ideation ). It is simply asking too much of you. You can't go against your own feelings to appease someone else.
Because once you will have moved and then decide you can't stand it, and want/have to get out of the situation, it will be very very difficult, and you will get no support or help from your DH. It would be better if you decide now with a clear head and negotiate for what you want. Maybe a small apartment just for you and he can move back home! Face it, in the long run this is what might be best for you. Could you get on alone?