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Original poster

Are some people mean by nature?

24 replies

Fran490 · 29/04/2023 01:18

Are some people mean by nature? Even if they can also be kind? Would you call it a 'mean streak', and will they always have it?

My husband has done several things which are - I think - mean. For example:

A good friend had very sadly lost her baby through a still birth. At the time, my husband didn't want to help me support her by coming with me to meet up with her. He had taken a dislike to her - for honestly no good reason at all - and said unkind things about her (e.g. that she's no fun, is boring, has no life). I've raised this episode several times, and he's never apologised.

A smaller thing: we were in the queue to get out of a busy but small theatre, after the end of the play. A lady politely asked to push past because she really needed the loo (bathrooms were by exit doors). My husband didn't want to let her through (he said to me he thought she was trying it on, and she should have gone to the loo in the interval). Sometimes you just have to go!!!

My husband was one of 4 brothers, and the oldest brother was difficult and unpleasant to him during childhood and early adulthood. This brother has learning difficulties and, as an adult in his 40s, I think struggles with life. Before the wedding, my husband said he felt sorry for him (which I do). The brother came to our wedding (he had to travel by plane) and gave us a very generous present (much more than he could afford). My husband refused to write him a thank-you note (he wrote one for everyone else).

I know some people can be mean if they feel threatened, or if they are hurt and are 'hitting back'. I can understand this. But I don't understand my husband's behaviour, as it seems unprovoked.

Why would he act like this? And do all these episodes sound mean? Or am I being over-sensitive?

He can also be kind at other times. He looks after his parents, and from the things he says, he can empathise with those who suffer.

I'm just struggling to get my head around this.

OP posts:

fivestarrating · 29/04/2023 01:33

He sounds absolutely horrible, so yes, I think you've answered your own question.

Mammalys · 29/04/2023 01:59

I find that sometimes people do mean things as a protective factor. Your friend that lost the baby- maybe he didn't know how to speak to her about that. His brother has hurt him before so he doesn't want him to hurt him again. Frustration causes people to be mean also.

The difference is that people should be able to self reflect and recognise the reasons why they do things in order to work on themselves.

MrsMikeDrop · 29/04/2023 02:31

Yes I have some people in my family like this. They are basically insecure and jealous, but it manifests itself in really nasty behaviour. I try to avoid them

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 29/04/2023 03:13

Someone like that, I'd be concerned that's how they'd treat me if I crossed them or they didn't get their own way.

carriedout · 29/04/2023 04:53

Lots of people grow up to be unkind/hard if that's how they were treated. Most humans can be unkind or ungenerous on occasion.

My husband was one of 4 brothers, and the oldest brother was difficult and unpleasant to him during childhood and early adulthood. This sounds unpleasant, did the parents not intervene to stop this in childhood?

The theatre example is the most odd to me as so petty towards a stranger!

HowManySunflowers · 29/04/2023 05:01

I don't know OP. The first of these is bad, but the others don't seem that awful to me? Some people really hate queue jumpers, it offends their sense of fairness! And it sounds like he did let her through (reluctantly)? And if my brother had been very unpleasant to me during childhood, I would also find it hard to forgive him just because of an expensive wedding gift.

These are three examples - are there lots more? Are these the worst things he's done? Is he usually kind and occasionally mean or the other way around?

Oblomov23 · 29/04/2023 06:30

Hmm. He sounds unpleasant. But some of these are ok not mean. He's allowed to not like your friend and not go to see her, to expect him to is ridiculous. But we can be pleasant when someone has a loss not their fault. I'd let the woman through, I appreciate being desperate for a wee, but I hate queue jumpers. The older brother was nasty to him his whole childhood. Brother was lucky to even get an invite. I would've written a thank you note.

YouJustDoYou · 29/04/2023 06:32

Your husband sounds like a spiteful, immature prick.

gerbilcrocus · 29/04/2023 07:18

Doesn't this impact on the love you feel for your DH? It certainly would for me. I'd really struggle being with someone who's spiteful and mean-spirited.

PaintedEgg · 29/04/2023 07:27

for some people being mean is a side effect of being both selfish and self-centred

Sure, people often develop mean streak as a result of being mistreated themselves but it really does not justify it

AspidistraFlying · 29/04/2023 07:38

I don’t think he’s in the least ‘mean’ to not want to accompany his wife to meet a recently-bereaved friend of hers — regardless of him disliking her, would any woman who’s just had a stillbirth really want to meet a friend’s husband when she’s raw with grief?

Similarly, his brother’s bullying behaviour towards him in childhood has clearly left scars that aren’t healed by a generous wedding present.

Not wanting the woman in the queue to cut ahead to the loo sounds unpleasantly petty, yes.

charabang · 29/04/2023 08:36

My ExH was a terribly mean, harsh and selfish man. I learnt over the years that it was a product of a neglectful upbringing. He guarded his resources and kept up a wall. 10 years of love, support and kindness made not one ounce of difference and we parted with him more bitter about life's unfairness than when he came into marriage. He was horrible to love with but ultimately I pity him.

Vanillalime · 29/04/2023 08:53

I don’t think any of your examples show him as mean to be honest.

But I do think some people become mean due to how they were raised or from events in their life.

Watchkeys · 29/04/2023 11:32

And do all these episodes sound mean? Or am I being over-sensitive

Who do you think decides how sensitive you should be, and why would you respect that decision?

AntoniaMacaronia · 29/04/2023 11:57

Your husband not wanting to go with you to meet up with your friend who lost her baby was okay, but saying he didn't like her, that's the sort of thing my ex would say about people I wanted in my life. He wouldn't stop me seeing anyone directly, he was too subtle for that, he would try and put me off them by putting doubt in my mind and trying to cast them in a negative light. I suspect your husband also didn't like the fact that your friend was going through a hard time and getting more attention than him.

My ex also hated queueing and has never apologised for anything.

He could also appear caring, when that behaviour would end up benefitting him.

The thing about your husband's brother, him saying he felt sorry for him, these are words that take seconds to say and paint him in a caring light. Refusing to write a thank you note to his former bully is perhaps a more honest choice. I may be wrong about that.

I'm just struggling to get my head around this

Sometimes behaviour is designed to make you feel confused.

Does he hold grudges, OP?

woodhill · 29/04/2023 12:00

Sounds awful

Pinkbonbon · 29/04/2023 12:01

Tbh I think context from his side could mean none of these things are mean.

Eg: why would he, a man, go support your friend after a miscarriage? Let alone,considering he doesn't even like her. So would be fake as fuck for him to go pretend to be supportive. I'm sure she knows how he feels and would rather not deal with having to pretend he's there because he cares.

Though, he does sound unnecessarily nean about her tbf. But maybe there's a reason he isn't telling you as to why.

5128gap · 29/04/2023 12:10

I don't know about a mean streak as that suggests to me going out of your way to find opportunities to hurt others, and taking pleasure from it. He sounds to me to be more small minded and petty. Wouldn't necessarily do harm but 'doesn't see why' he should put himself out to help anyone either. This is usually a sign of someone who rightly or wrongly feels they haven't had a good hand dealt to them in life and so are determined to look out for themselves only. Its very unattractive and tends to get worse over time.

Blossomandbee · 29/04/2023 12:41

I don't think they're examples of being particularly mean. Sometimes I think you have to look at the reasons behind the behaviour, not everyone will see things as you do.
I would always let someone through to use a toilet but a lot of men probably aren't as understanding about that as women.
I can see why he might not want to offer support to a woman he's not friendly with on an incredibly upsetting event. He probably doesn't know what to say or how to offer support.
His brother may have hurt him more than you realise. It's good manners to thank someone yes but there's obviously bad feeling there.
It doesn't sound like he's setting out to be mean to anyone, just not communicating his thoughts that well.

longwayoff · 29/04/2023 12:45

Another pig. There's a lot of them around. You're very tolerant. Please bear in mind it may well be you on the receiving end of his behaviour when or if he decides you 'should have gone in the interval' and applies that to other areas of your life. Good luck with it.

Original poster

Fran490 · 29/04/2023 14:40

Thank you all.

When I said this in my original post -

A good friend had very sadly lost her baby through a still birth. At the time, my husband didn't want to help me support her by coming with me to meet up with her.

it was actually that I wanted him to come with me to meet up with my friend and her husband. It was to go out for a meal and do something fun, because they'd had a hard time. But he said he couldn't come because he didn't like her.

Surely men are also desperate to go to the loo sometimes??! The lady was in her late 60s I'd say.

OP posts:

Hotvimto3 · 29/04/2023 14:49

He sounds like my ex. Bitter, vindictive and deliberately cruel.
Like he thrives on the nastiness. And actively tries to be defiant and disrespectful whenever he can.

Pinkbonbon · 29/04/2023 14:52

Maybe he saw her try cut in line earlier or had a vibe she was 'at it' or something?

Tbf though as to his personality I think you've provably a better idea than us. If these little incidences of cold behaviour are common place for him then yes, it may be the case that he just isn't a very nice person.

Were there no signs of this when you wee dating? Or has he just got worse since you married him?

Does his behaviour impact your life...eg: is there selfishness to the point where you often feel let down, unsupported and uncherished?
If so, it may be time to call it a day.

Side note on the brother incident...maybe he felt his brother was just trying to look like Mr good guy by giving a nice present. When he knows infact that it's all a big mind mind game and his brother is really a jerk. Or maybe he feels his brother is the sort to be like 'you owe me because I gave you a nice present'. So he wasn't going to accnowledge the control attempt. Of course...if that was the case he probably wouldn't have accepted the gift. Let alone, thanked everyone else except his brother.

SallyWD · 29/04/2023 15:10

Yes of course some (many) people are mean spirited.
Your DH doesn't sound like he's overflowing with good will, let's just say that!
With the first example - It's horrible he says mean things about your friend but I can actually see why he didn't want to visit her. If they're not close and she'd just lost a baby I can see how it would be awkward for him and her. I'm surprised you wanted him to go to be honest. Wouldn't your friend rather see you only when she was in a distressed and vulnerable state? I lost a baby and wouldn't have fancied my friends dragging their blokes a long to see me UNLESS their partners were also long term friends of mine.

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