Hi there, I’m in a similar situation if you want to read my posts - together 13 years, married just over 4. My husband is a lifelong depressive, issues stemming from his childhood although apparently I’m now the cause.
I found out about his gambling adductor in 2015 before he moved in with me and my then 13 year old daughter, he came clean before he moved in, told me he was stopping, so I believed him and he moved in with us. He goes on sertraline at this point. We did split for a while as he was drinking to excess and making a fool of me.
2016 - I find out he’s still gambling, in £0000s of debt. I kick him out, he’s not dragging me into his financial problems when I’ve worked hard as a single parent to buy my own home. He tells me he’ll get help; he’ll come off the sertraline as it’s making him feel empty, he’ll get a counsellor. So we work towards reconciliation, then he tells me, after a lovely family holiday, that he just wants to be alone!
We manage to reconcile, he proposes in 2017, we buy our lovely big home that year, we get married in 2019. We’ve been TTC since 2015 (on and off due to breaks in the relationship).
we’ve always had an argumentative relationship, but in august last year, the same month he gets me to enter a new mortgage deal and talks about retirement, he tells me he’s no longer willing to do fertility treatment and the shit has hit the fan - we’ve argued almost every day, I’ve cried every day.
during this time, he’s telling me he still loves me but keeps swapping and changing his mind about whether he wants to be with me - he then left in January for 4 weeks, returns for 4 weeks before leaving for good 6 weeks ago, he’s moved into his mums house.
at first he needed space, then he’s told me he hasn’t loved me for a while, shouldn’t have told me he loved me, and wants to eventually divorce.
my MH has plummeted, I’m so ill. He’s cut off contact with me, blocked my number. It’s as though we never existed and I’ve not put my body through all kinds to give him a baby.
I spoke with him last Saturday, he’s refusing to put the house on the market, not ready to divorce but making clear he doesn’t want to be with me.
my head is all over the place, as yours will be too.
sorry for long post, but wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, depression clearly makes people act cruelly to their partners. He tells me he doesn’t love himself, so how can he love others?
surround yourself with friends, family, cry, get counselling, get MH support. That’s what I’m doing, and not sure if its working but the alternative is to lay down and not get back up.
feel free to PM me and look after yourself xx