Is it possible I've blanked stuff out? TW CSA

[Getoffmyboat]

My DM married my SF when I was 7 and I don't remember any particular problems with him when I was little, although I don't remember much from my childhood at all. I've hated him since I was a teenager though for a combination of reasons but mostly because he used to make horrible, sleazy comments to and about me and sometimes touch me inappropriately, smack my bum or squeeze up against me as I passed, that kind of thing. I tried to talk to both my DM and older DB about it at the time but was made to feel like I was making a fuss over nothing so I gave up and just tried to avoid him after that.

Since I've been adult (I'm 46 now) I see him as little as possible and mostly keep in touch with DM by phone despite living fairly close by. DM believes we are 'close' and (rightly or wrongly) I go along with this and pretend we are a normal family when I do have to see them. But something happened a couple of weeks ago and I'm finding it really difficult to process my feelings about it, hence the post in the hope MN can help me unpick it.

Basically he answered the phone instead of DM when I rang (unusual, it's pretty much always her that answers it) and I got stuck talking to him, something I normally avoid like the plague. Barely a minute into the conversation he started talking about me as a teenager and then made a comment about my DD(14) and how she is at the age where her body is changing. I had a completely visceral reaction to this (felt sick, room started spinning, throat closed up) and I made an excuse and immediately ended the call.

Since then all those incidents when I was a teenager have been replaying in my head and I feel more and more distressed about them. I'm also now remembering other stuff from when I was even younger, being dragged into his lap and forced to stay there when I clearly didn't want to, enforced tickling that I remember being really uncomfortable with and then a weird, hazy memory of a feeling I used to have in bed at night which I'm now worrying might have been more than a feeling but can't make any sense of.

I'm a mess, really scared there might be more that I'm unconsciously blocking out and simultaneously worried I'm blowing this up out of proportion and projecting/imagining things that didn't happen. I can't afford therapy and even if I could I'm not sure I want to go there, if there is more maybe it's best I don't know/remember? I don't know, I don't feel like I know anything for sure anymore and I have no idea where to go from here.

Trust your feelings, OP. He sounds like a sexual predator and you are right to keep him away from your daughter. Whatever he did to you was wrong. Luckily you have survived and are now safe from him and keeping your daughter safe too.

Whether you want counselling or not is up to you. Some people find it useful, having someone to talk about their feelings with. But some women I know have found digging up those old memories left them feeling worse -- sickened but also shaken and unsafe, even though they were now adults living in safety. Do you need to know all the details?

I hope you can comfort yourself knowing that this vile man has no power over your or your daughter. All that harm is safely in the past. Best wishes for your and your daughter's future xx

I’m not an expert but I didn’t want to read and run.

I think that you’ve already got a really good handle on the most important thing here which is protecting your daughter. The sleeziness, comments, behaviour are enough to do that - you don’t need to be sure about anything else in order to protect her.

I think that you’ve also identified that no one on the internet can help unpick your other questions. What you describe could be csa which you’ve blocked out, or it could be a reaction to his behaviour in your teens which was also completely unacceptable. I know that you can’t afford counselling at the moment but I would suggest saving up for that would be a good aim.

Thank you both, I already do feel shaken and unsafe Ofcourseshecan with just what I've already remembered so maybe it is best I don't dig any more. I do feel like I just want to push it all back into its box and forget it's there, I'm just not sure exactly how to do that and worried I wont be able to.

It's making me feel angry with my DM too, I know she loves me but I can't help feeling she should have protected me. I know why she didn't, a combination of attitudes of the time and her own fear/weakness because my biological dad had done such a complete number on her self esteem but it's still pretty hard to forgive.

Of course it possible you have blanked thigns out, but It’s also worth knowing that memories are stored in the same part of the brain in the same way as things that are imagined. So you would need professional help to get to the bottom of it, but it sounds like that might be a worse thing for your life quality going forward.

The most important thing is to keep you and your daughter distant from him.

I don't want to generalise based on just my own experience, because others with actual expertise in this area may think differently, but my experience of something similar was that I hadn't actually suppressed any memories but instead had suppressed actively interpreting my memories for what they were. Once I reframed some of my memories in a different way, I realised that they had a different meaning from what I had always supposed, and left me wondering how I could ever not have seen them for what they were. But I hadn't actually suppressed anything, just not understood it, if that makes sense.

I'm wondering if something that was said on the phone, or how he said it, has kickstarted something similar for you, and naturally you're going to worry that there's more that you can't actively remember but it isn't necessarily so. I think as a pp said that the key thing is to trust your instincts and keep reminding yourself that you're an adult now and can't be made to do anything you don't want to. You don't have to see him, talk to him, or even talk about him, and neither does your daughter.

I know you said you can't afford therapy, but have you thought about writing a journal or keeping a dream diary and just seeing what comes up? I don't think that things will come up in that way unless/until you're ready to think about them.

Take care.