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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Chemistry or not?

17 replies

Wtfisreallygoingon · 28/04/2023 15:15

Need opinions here. Been seeing a guy for a few months and things had been going well. We've kind of decided that we need to end things due to external factors which is a shame but I understand its probably for the best. He has a lot of work pressures and it looks like he will be working away a lot now and I've got 2 toddlers who I have with me most of the time so we don't think we can give a relationship the attention it needs.

However, he is now saying that he never really fancied me even though there was clearly chemistry and we had good sex a lot and 75% of our dates were instigated by him so not like I was always chasing him! This is the reason he now says is why he wants to really end things.

I know it doesn't make a difference really to our future but its made me doubt myself and my judgement moving forward with someone else.

Why else would someone keep pursuing you and being physical etc if they weren't attracted to you?

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 28/04/2023 17:54

Maybe there was good chemistry but he wants great chemistry?

Original poster

Wtfisreallygoingon · 28/04/2023 18:03

Watchkeys · 28/04/2023 17:54

Maybe there was good chemistry but he wants great chemistry?

I could understand that but he actually said he didn't really feel any attraction physically. Liked me as a person but didn't fancy me.

Just confused me how someone can repeatedly have sex with someone they are not physically attracted to and be the one to arrange the meet up in the first place repeatedly. Surely you'd avoid as much as possible even if you were trying to be nice.

Its just may me doubt my read on things and I just can't think of a reason why someone would pretend to like someone physically (at the time he said he did). Is he just lying now for some reason (but why?) Or did I just get it so wrong and he was pretending the whole time? Obviously no-one knows the truth but just was curious if anyone had experienced a reason why someone may lie about this.

OP posts:

Heroicallyfound · 28/04/2023 18:04

Maybe he was using you for sex until something better came along? Or he’s not interested in commitment?

Watchkeys · 28/04/2023 18:06

I think he just fancied a shag. Sorry, OP. It's not the same for everybody. Some people can do it without feeling much specific attraction to the person they're doing it with. It's pretty shitty of him, if he knew you had more feelings in the game.

Celia24 · 28/04/2023 18:08

What a dickhead. No need to tell you he never fancied you after shagging several times.

Onwards and upwards OP!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/04/2023 18:10

He's negging you, because he's an arsehole. I wouldn't waste time trying to work him out. That way madness lies.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/04/2023 18:18

I have a different take op.

I know on MN posters are adamant that all men would shag a rusty pipe before going without sex, but I don't think most men do have ongoing sexism talk relationships with people they have zero attraction to.

I think he's just over it and making sure you don't chase 6

LabelleLabelle · 28/04/2023 18:22

I don’t think you should take this personally as either way it says more about him than it does you. Either he kept shagging someone he didn’t fancy or he made it up to make you feel bad. Then he told you all about it. Lucky escape

Original poster

Wtfisreallygoingon · 28/04/2023 18:24

Thank you it was shit of him whatever his reasons.

He didn't seem to want to end our relationship but he just felt it was going to be impossible to maintain due to the logistics and that wasn't fair on me. He had also said I was pretty perfect for him in every way and that he wished it was different. This wasn't said to get me into bed in the first place. I didn't need strong arming or coercion for that!!

So to then suddenly come out with this floored me I have to say. I'm just bothered its going to knock my confidence moving forward. Am I going to doubt whether someone really does find me attractive?

I know some people will pretty much sleep with anyone whether they fancy them or not but surely to keep going back through your choice there must be something? Hes not someone whos struggled to date in the past so would've been able to find another option!

OP posts:

Original poster

Wtfisreallygoingon · 28/04/2023 18:28

SleepingStandingUp · 28/04/2023 18:18

I have a different take op.

I think he's just over it and making sure you don't chase 6

Ah ok so because its over he wants to make sure I don't try to get him back or I guess maybe even he worries he would be tempted but because it wouldn't work is removing the opportunity.

I guess that could make sense. Still pretty cruel though!

OP posts:

Original poster

Wtfisreallygoingon · 28/04/2023 18:28

LabelleLabelle · 28/04/2023 18:22

Yes thats one way to look at it

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 28/04/2023 19:00

Are you looking for some evidence that he fancied you, op? Why does it matter to you? He's been cruel to you. Why do you need him to fancy you?

Original poster

Wtfisreallygoingon · 28/04/2023 19:13

Watchkeys · 28/04/2023 19:00

Are you looking for some evidence that he fancied you, op? Why does it matter to you? He's been cruel to you. Why do you need him to fancy you?

No of course not i can't get that here!

Its just knocked my confidence in my read on people. I couldn't think of a reason why other than it was true but he was so convincing and I know what I'm like. I don't want to be with someone else thinking but have I read this wrong and be all insecure.

So the suggestions that it could be because he's being deliberately cruel (which i just couldn't believe) or that its his way of ensuring i don't try and change his mind if he is either having doubts about ending things but knows he should or even if he just doesn't want me to harass him as he's done help me to look at it a different way.

Now of course it could actually be true but at least I can rationalise it with alternatives so it hopefully won't make me an untrusting cynic!

OP posts:

Kitsmummy · 28/04/2023 19:13

I suspect he wanted you to beg him it to end it, not to agree that it was for the best. So now he's lashing out (and thus showing his true colours)

Original poster

Wtfisreallygoingon · 28/04/2023 19:21

Kitsmummy · 28/04/2023 19:13

I suspect he wanted you to beg him it to end it, not to agree that it was for the best. So now he's lashing out (and thus showing his true colours)

Ah like when you dump someone and they say well I never fancied you anyway. It was more his suggestion but yes maybe he wanted me to put up more of a fight.

OP posts:

Cakencookieobsessed · 28/04/2023 19:21

Let him go. I've been with someone I didn't fancy and it's not good. I was at a low point and ended up with a guy who I wouldn't have normally. I ended up cheating in the end which was wrong of me, but I was younger and he wasn't a nice person anyway. He has led you on and hurt you even more by telling you, which I think is unnecessary and hurtful. Of course it doesn't mean other men won't find you attractive. Try not to let his actions define how you feel about yourself.

samestyle · 28/04/2023 19:49

Sounds more like he's lashing out because he's hurt, it's not working for you either so I wouldn't take it to heart.

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