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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I have a huge rant about DP and sex, warning contains copious swearing

48 replies

rantymcranty · 16/02/2008 20:23

Well can I start off by saying he is usually lovely but faced with a lack of sex he is a fucking prick.

I have been up since 4am this morning with DC, have had 6 months of hugely broken sleep, I've looked after the DC all day (he was working), made dinner from scratch and put them to bed.

I am so fucking exhausted I have a permanent tick in my right eye and the stare of a crazed woman.

So why does he feel its okay as I creep out of DDs bedroom to ask me if I fancy a quick one? A FUCKING QUICK ONE, I can't be bothered to fart let alone have sex fgs. So off he strops to his garage to finish working. I decide to go and rent a film get some choccy in and spend a couple of hours alone without being asked to play shopkeepers, get somebody something to eat or wipe anybody's shitty bum.

He says he can't understand why I don't want sex and that if he was tired he would still want to have sex as its something that is enjoyable so wheres the problem.

I swear to god men think you can just turn it on like a fucking tap. I am beyond exhausted and believe it or not we still have sex on average once a week, I mean he is hardly starved for it.

I just don't understand why men seem unable to look at the big picture and think hmm I bet she is really tired she hardly gets any sleep I'm sure I can suck it up for a couple of months. Or alternatively have a wank in the shower like most fucking men.

He says his head thinks his dicks been cut off what a fucker.

Oh he says, your too tired for sex but not too tired to go to the film shop and come back and watch tv

OP posts:

iwouldgoouttonight · 16/02/2008 21:02

I know how you feel - hope your ranting helped. I seem to feel constantly guilty for not wanting sex and have actually started to dread evenings when DP isn't working because I feel as though we should be having sex! He doesn't pressure me as such, but does get in a bad mood when he doesn't get any for a while.

I completely understand the not wanting to be touched thing. I can't even have the cat sitting on me in the evening any more!

ratbunny · 16/02/2008 21:05

omg we have this argument all the time!

dh once explained to me that how I feel about us wanting to spend time as a family is how he feels about having sex. So I guess he means its important in a bonding way as well as in a physical way, or something.

But they don't get that sometimes you just want time for yourself, not always giving for someone else iyswim.

I wish dh would just go and crack off in the shower like I read someother mnetters dp did

pistachio · 16/02/2008 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Washersaurus · 16/02/2008 21:08

I agree about the cat; I can't have her anywhere near me in the evenings any more - I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE!

Aaaah sorry for shouting - that feels better already

Original poster

rantymcranty · 16/02/2008 21:09

pistachio, yes yes yes, it is so much better if you can offer first. I don't get a chance with DP asking are you horny yet are you horny yet are you horny yet in the manner of small child asking if we are there yet.

Sorry for they typos, bfing AGAIN!

OP posts:

DaphneHarvey · 16/02/2008 21:09

IME the most sexually alluring thing a man can do when faced with this situation is:

Give you a big hug and kiss
then quietly get on and do some housework
Say "sit down and watch whatever you want on tv" while he is doing a few light chores
Bring you dinner or a snack of your choice while you are watching tv
Say "I will take dcs off to the park tomorrow, you do whatever you want - don't clear up, I'll do it later"
Say "you are beautiful and I love you and love the gorgeous children we have together".
Have another hug and kiss without him starting to grope you. Let you just go to sleep gently in his arms.

Do this for a few nights or a couple of weeks or months of whatever it takes and your DW will fall back in love with you all over again and sex will come naturally.

Not rocket science is it? So why do men find it so hard???

My DH is sex starved and everytime I go near him he starts stroking and groping and kissing my neck. Even when I'm washing up and got my rubber gloves on! Drives me round the bend and, more importantly for him, off the idea of sex altogether.

Perhaps I/we should print off this thread and leave it lying around in a prominent place ...

Original poster

rantymcranty · 16/02/2008 21:10

Daphne I kind of want to have sex with you now

OP posts:

ratbunny · 16/02/2008 21:11

oh yes daphne, the being groped while you are washing up. hardy a turn on is it?

I agree its like fending off a kid asking are we there yet - what a great analogy.

Washersaurus · 16/02/2008 21:12

Well Daphne, my DH will be disappointed to learn that trying to hump me from behind whenever I bend over to do some housework will never get him anywhere.

DrLurker · 16/02/2008 21:21

do you really think all men can just turn it on whenever??

so dh has no excuse for turning me down the other night because he (still) had to work and a shag would send him to sleep???

Can't really complain, I've done it to him enough times

helenelisabeth · 16/02/2008 22:27

LMAO at this thread, you are all leading my life! Thought it was just me who had a DH with a permanent hard on!

lucylala · 16/02/2008 22:35

please give your husbands my phone number...I'm GAGGING!!!

lol!

helenelisabeth · 16/02/2008 22:39

Lucy - gladly! I am aware that not all men are porn stars in real life as my cousin has only had it 5 times in 2 years, her DH is just not interested in sex whatsoever. Now that, I do find strange!

DrLurker · 16/02/2008 22:45

Dh and I are almost never on for it at the same time

either one of us is knackered or in a strop or the other one is

I would quite appreciate the ever ready hard on because at least I could rely on that heh heh

but being pestered sure does suck doesn't it. ( I remember it of yore)

Emprexia · 17/02/2008 13:03

I have the same problem with my DH.

We had a big row a few weeks ago and i just laid it all out for him and told him how i felt, and how the 'wel fuck you' responses i was getting when i refused him made me feel.

I then asked him if it'd make him happy just to lie there and tell him to get on with it.. because thats what he's making me feel like i have to do.

I had him about the groping and the need to jump on me as soon as DS goes to bed when i just want an hour of not being touched.

We worked it out in the end.. but i do want to say while we may not be in the mood for it.. they do have needs, and sometimes its better just to let them have that 'quickie' and then go wind down.

kerryk · 17/02/2008 15:46

i would of had sex with him on the condition that he went to the video shop for me afterwards.

littlewoman · 18/02/2008 11:14

This is such a hard one, and for me a marriage breaker in the end. i don't know what the solution is, but I hope you manage to communicate your way through it. They just have no clue how bone-tired you are after having children.

helenelisabeth · 18/02/2008 23:36

DH was off this morning, I had been up ALL night with DD2 (5 months). Up at 6.30 to get DD1 ready for school. Put DD2 down for nap at 9.15am, started the mega rush around the house trying to fit 8 hours of housework into 1 hour and what does he suggest - a romp! I politely told him to Feck Off!

cruisemum1 · 19/02/2008 16:24

my dh was exactly like this after dd1. He is marginally better aftger ds 2 but still gets his pathetic poor me face on and claims to be being rejected if it goes too long. Wish they would just fuck off sometimes and let us have some peace, Troube is if I have said I am too tired earlier in theday then i just go to bed feeling anxious and guilty as he gest the hump/.I totally empathise

cruisemum1 · 19/02/2008 16:24

tigerlily1980 · 19/02/2008 23:37

I have exactly the same problem with my dh, and it is so reassuring to read these posts.

pippylongstockings · 20/02/2008 15:56

Just found this thread as I was about to post about much the same thing - just to rant really...

So glad to know that not alone! Once a week is about what we manage but to DP it's not enough and he feels that I'm always counting his 'quota'! But with 2 LO and working p/t and renovating a house all I really want to do when my head hits the pillow is sleep. And I certainly don't want a quick one when I'm having my only bath of the week by myself on a sunday and the kids are in the room next door.

The more he waggles his knob at me through the bannisters while I'm in the kitchen does NOT make me to have sex with him more.....

madamez · 21/02/2008 00:49

To be fair, for a lot of men, having sex is the way they feel and express emotional closeness, so they interpret a lack of interest in sex as a total rejection of them and the couple relationship.
This does not excuse the sulking or the pestering that some men engage in, but if you are in this situation it's worth having a good talk with your DH (the 'are we there yet' analogy is a great one) and explaining how you feel, telling him what might help you feel more sexually inclined (ie him taking the DC out for an hour or two so you can have a sleep or just do something you enjoy doing). But also listening to him and letting him explain why he feels rejected or whatever. Mismatched libidos are a problem for both of you and both of you need to work on finding a happy compromise.

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