How did you manage to split up (financially)?

[Popsicleinpool]

Very sadly it seems my marriage has come to an end. It’s pretty amicable but we are stuck on how to actually make it work. We both want to have the kids fairly equally, but how do we afford two family size houses? We live in SE. I have a good career but the housing question seems impossible. I can see why people stay together for this reason…

Wondering how others made it work if they weren’t super rich? We are considering nesting or similar as a possible option…

You don't generally. You both have to accept that separation will generally lower your living standards as each household is being supported by a single adult.
Your mental wellbeing however is a different matter .....

People downsize, borrow from family but probably the most obvious easement is a new OH. For a lot of people men and women it means coming off the housing ladder.

have you looked into benefits you might get?

Thanks for the replies - I get lower living standards but what does that mean? Two kids in a one bedroom flat or? Around here both renting and buying are extremely expensive, especially with interest rates as they are.

@LemonTT i wouldn’t be eligible for benefits I don’t think . Possibly DH would as he is the lower earner but I doubt it. I see what you mean about the OH but there is no one else in our split… no wonder people stay together even when miserable!

Generally it means you need to look at the equity you hold together, house, savings etc work out a rough split (remembering to take into account legal costs) then look at the mortgage you could get on your sole income + deposit. This should give you a rough idea what you can afford.
But yes, it might mean going from a 4 bed to a 2 bed or flat, moving to a less desirable area, changing schools, childcare etc or renting rather than owning.
Remember it's not just about a house purchase, you have to be able to afford the bills on one income.

I live in the SE and I left the family home and rented as back then I couldn’t afford to buy. Ex was higher earner so kept the family home as I couldn’t afford the mortgage. it’s certainly not easy when you live in the SE. Could you both afford a flat if split the equity?

Would nesting work as an option? We did it by paying the mortgage by renting out one of the rooms, but you need the equity to buy. I'd say it's a medium not long term solution though

How old are the kids? Could you manage to stay together until they've left home.
Otherwise, you could move to a cheaper area?

It’s almost impossible to split unless you have the funds.

usually one will stay in the family home, either buy out or arrange to buy out when kids are 18/21.

the other gets what they can afford. Flat, rental, house share.

it means the one who leaves will struggle to get a space suitable for kids, which has the knock on that they can’t parent 50:50 or as they’d like. They generally will struggle to get back on the property ladder because once rent, cms, etc have been taken out banks won’t lend on the remainder.

it’s tough.

If you can make it work, nesting and then splitting the properties when the kids are grown up is going to be the option that reserves your lifestyles

It’s so tough! I can’t see a decent way forward at present and it makes me feel depressed and hopeless tbh. Nesting might be an option with a room in a house share as the ‘off’ option, DH has family nearby so that could help too. But it’s so messy (we don’t own current house). Kids are early teens.

Also SE, what we did is that exh stayed in FMH and remortgaged to buy me out, except that he couldn't afford to do so in full, so gave me about £20k with the rest due when he sells the house. He can afford to keep the FMH and with my £20k I was able to put down a deposit on a shared ownership. It's not ideal, I only have a 2 bed now and I have some anxiety about the validity of the agreement for him to pay me the rest but I don't actually care that much, it enabled me to be able to leave.

@AnotherVice thank you, this is just the kind of thing I was wondering about - how people make it work when there isn’t loads of money to go around…