Finding it difficult to get over being ghosted 4 years ago..

[GhostyMcghostface]

In 2019 I dated what I thought was a lovely guy but after 5/6 months or so he ghosted me. In my rational mind I know the relationship wasn’t long and likely wouldn’t have lasted long term just due to various circumstances. I’m also glad he showed his true colours at that stage. It still was a really really hurtful thing to do and has put me off dating for 4 years(!) until now.

However, I actually still don’t think I’m over it - I’ve been speaking to a guy for a few weeks, finally met last week and now I think he’s doing the slow fade out.. and there have been tears.

Other than never dating again, what am I meant to do? It’s so annoying to be so hung up on shitty thing that a boy that was in my life for such a short time did so long ago but I just can’t move past it!

Sounds to me like this has tapped into something deeper. Did you feel rejected as a child? What was your relationship with your parents like?

A short term relationship several years ago shouldn't cause this much pain so I would look into what might be underlying the feelings.

Sounds like you have a tendency to ruminate over things maybe?

if someone ghosted you then it's because the relationship or interaction just wasn't working for them and it's their (perhaps cowardly) way of pulling the plug. It feels awful, it feels like a rejection but it's best to rationalise it as you have done and move forward positively from it - at least they walked away and didn't give you hassle or stay around long past the time when the relationship was going nowhere, so they've done you a favour.

Counselling, tbh. I think this may be above MN’s paygrade.

Ghosting can mean you don't have closure (the feeling of "unfinished business"), but try to see it positively if you can.

Did you meet him (the ghoster) through online dating? OLD is notorious for being really shitty. I wouldn't take it personally, he was maybe seeing you and three others at the same time.

Anyone new you meet, prepare yourself for setbacks because you'll be meeting people that you might want to politely send them on their way after dating, but eventually you'll find your perfect match. Keep trying! Don't give in

Id also say this is about way more than the ghosting

I know I know everyone says counselling

but I have a decent one now and it’s really helpful to see that what triggers me and why

a ghosting is basically someone who can’t communicate
it’s as fucking simple as that , and it’s on them
it’s not even malicious it’s just them being weak

as. PP said given how many years it’s been I’d also recommend you invest into this

I am sorry that's horrible. I believe that sometimes relatively short relationships can bring immense heart break when they end because of the intensity of them rather than the time together. I was once in a relationship for 2 years and it ended but I honestly was fine the next day, we didn't really share much emotional intimacy. So I do understand your pain. I think many people isolate themselves from heart break by not going into a relationship again. I honestly am not sure if that is right or wrong.
I really think that you would benefit from some form of therapy and I would suggest that you speak to your GP who may be able to refer you but will also be able to assess if there's an underlying depression.
Good luck 🤞

That does sound like an unusual reaction. 4 years of no dating because someone ghosted you after a few months? I don’t think you will be ready for old again then as it’s very common now from that I see.

What is it that bothers you most about it? The fact you thought you could trust him? The rejection? The change in his character? The loneliness of being single when you thought you'd found someone?

Can you pinpoint it a bit more specifically? Might help get to the bottom of why it's bothering you so long.

The solution is to realise that anybody might do it, and that you have your shit together enough that you will be just fine if they do. Getting your shit together is what his ghosting is forcing you, now, to do. He's done you a favour, the eejit.