Is finding someone you love realistic?

[Tomlinsonedgar2234555]

Hi all,
As someone who grew up in quite a dysfunctional home it is sometimes difficult to see the positives of a relationship. I am aware that this is rooted in my own trauma. It would be great to hear positive stories from couples (heterosexual or queer)?

For a long time (I am now in my mid twenties) I genuinely viewed all relationships as toxic. This has stopped me from dating and I am now getting to the stage where many of my close friends are in long term relationships. A busy and high pressure job has muted some of my feelings of loneliness.

I now realise that I am worthy of a fulfilling relationship. However, I do not have any positive role models around me to substantiate this.

Some questions have been listed below for guidance.

1. How has your partner added value to your personal life?
2. Do you feel loved - and if so, what does your partner do to make you feel this way?
3. Do you genuinely enjoy being a relationship or do you secretly wish you were single?
4. How did you meet your partner and do you have any advice for someone dating in the modern world?

This is a bit mad. No one talking about their own relationships is going to convince you that getting a boyfriend is a good idea if you haven’t come to terms with the stuff you internalised about relationships from your childhood. What about therapy?

I do know where you're coming from OP, probably not as badly off but my family tree was littered with divorces and not particularly happy marriages and I just assumed any relationship would end badly because of that.
Are none of your friends, in long-term relationships, in happy relationships?

You certainly don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. In fact, thinking that you DO tends to lead to trouble.

But if you meet and fall in love with someone, yes, it is worth considering things long-term with them. It has a bunch of very pragmatic advantages. I've just seen a friend suddenly struck down by a serious long-term illness, a single friend, and even the biggest net of good friends and medics and carers can't compare to having someone you live with who has your back.

Have you ever loved a pet? Have you ever fallen in love with someone, someone you actually liked and respected?

A good relationship rests on pillars of ..

• similar values (particularly financial and household!),
• friendship and sexual attraction, and
• trust, the feeling you can be your unvarnished self with them and vice versa, that you're a team against the world.

Some people just never fall in love though and that's not a problem, it's just a thing.

1. How has your partner added value to your personal life?
2. Do you feel loved - and if so, what does your partner do to make you feel this way?
3. Do you genuinely enjoy being a relationship or do you secretly wish you were single?
4. How did you meet your partner and do you have any advice for someone dating in the modern world?

As someone else who also has PTSD I can say that definitely it is possible to fall in love and hold down a relationship.
I was struck by how worried you are but you're so young! Only in your twenties. You have so much time.

I agree with a PP that you may benefit from therapy, I've been through four therapists now and let's just say I've no idea if it's helped me. What did help me was getting older quite simply.

1 My partner has a fantastic sense of humour, it's great to wake up in the morning to someone who you know will make you smile.
2 I do feel loved because he accepts my human flaws and tries to help me rather than criticize
3 no I couldn't live single I like sex and companionship too much
4 I met him at a party in London. The best way to meet "the one" is to stay sociable, keep good friendship groups and trust a friend if they say "you'll like this person"

Of course it’s possible to find someone you love. It’s hard work though. A lot of people don’t want to hear this, but a lot of the time if you are the product of a toxic family situation you can have toxic traits yourself. I have tried in my adult life to improve myself and be a functional and communicative person. It has helped in more than one way - toxic people are unlikely to be tolerated by those who aren’t toxic, so by improving yourself you will attract a good partner. And also, by learning about how to communicate properly and respectfully you learn to recognise toxic traits or red flags and can avoid them in future partners.

But anyway it doesn’t matter what my husband does to make me feel loved really. One of my SIL & BIL are constantly full body hugging and kissing and stroking each other. That’s what makes them feel close and loved. DH and I would both hate it so if one of us suddenly started doing it it would make the other feel uncomfortable and disrespected. Just because something works for one couple doesn’t mean it will work for the other. You need to look not at what makes others feel loved but what would make YOU feel loved.

Thank you!

I am currently in the process of organising therapy and I understand that the thread won’t fix my issues. However, it is a form of comfort to hear/see the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’

Thank you for your detailed response. This is really great to hear:)

I totally agree about the impacts of health issues and the support etc

Thank you for your response,

As someone in my mid twenties (well approaching) I am constantly being told that now is the time to date. There is an immense sense of pressure. I have a lot of healing to do. I studied at an intense university where the work-load was pretty rough. I was able to avoid dating through hiding behind work and I find myself doing this through work.

Thank you,

This is a really insightful response and I understand that I may engage in toxic behaviours. I have never been on a date as I am so traumatised by my family dynamic. However, I will be starting therapy soon and I hope I can foster a positive relationship with some much needed work on my part

This is so true.
I've always thought it was the guys fault (fine on the surface, but in reality emotionally distant and not able to connect or commit in a deeper sense) and now the penny's dropped that actually I am drawn to these type of men because I am the same!

It's the biggest cliche, but work on yourself, that's the only life-long relationship you are going to have, the goal is to respect, value and love yourself, then if you do meet someone great they will do the same (or you will recognise very quickly they don't and it will be very easy to walk away from them).

I don't think that feeling lonely is a good place to start when looking for a relationship. You need to sort out the loneliness, and be happy and fulfilled on your own, then look for a partner, otherwise you're reliant on the partner to 'create' your sense of fulfilment in life.

What's up with being single? You get into a relationship because you meet someone you want to be near, someone you want to be intimate with. Not because you've decided you want a relationship, even though you can't understand why being in a relationship is good.

I think mid-late twenties is a good time to start seriously dating. My first serious relationship was a disaster, but I got to my mid 20s and met my now husband - and I think part of why this worked out for me very well is because I already knew what I did not want, had some semi-worked through experience baggage and it was very "organic". I was not out to be in a relationship - but I wanted to be with this person when it came to it

1. Yes, I feel loved. As any relationship we do argue (sometimes loudly), but even then we listen and we take on board what was said. He aknowledge so when something is important to me even if he does not apply the same value to it by himself. He also really likes me - and you probably know when people genuinely like you and like spending time with you.

OP,
Therapy on yourself is grest and helpful but I believe a lot of the work you have to do is actually "inside" the relationship. You can't practice some of these skills alone.

For example, if you are naturally avoidant (see attachment theory), learning to reassure your partner that although you need space now you WILL come back is a skill you can only practice with another person you live intimately with.

If you tend to want to be "right" and think your view of the world is true, its not a problem if you live alone. But as soon as you live with another person you have to learn to respect their differences and not try to force your ideas on them.

Those are tricky things for those who have not seen this growing up to learn and they can only be practiced with another person.