Ruined relationship

[Everythingisfallinagpart81]

No idea on where to even start this

Dh and I have been having arguments for a while. Mainly on how we bring the children up. We have different parenting styles and I've tried to meet in the middle but dh believes in putting a not even 2 year old on a step for a time out where as I don't and we clash all the time over it. Apparently i pick our 18 month old up too much. If he wakes in the night I go in too quickly.

We also have a 5 year old that, and he's upset that all the things he said I did wrong with her i am now doing with our youngest.

I'm away with work at the moment doing some training (something I have wanted to do since I was about 5 so this is an opportunity of a lifetime) I was home for a few days early in the week after being away for 7 days (longest time I have ever been away and have missed then all a lot)

When I got home DH told me about how he changed a few things and got the youngest out of the bad habits I had got him into. I was back for 1 night and I really tried to follow what dh had done but then an incident happened and wr ended up arguing, and it got to the point that dh shouted at me loudly to get out and leave and go back to my training, and also made it so that I couldn't say goodbye or night to my children

Since then we have barely spoken, he has sent no updates on how the children are and the one time we have talked it's been an argument again

I don't know what to do.

He wants you to give up on the training. Stick with it.

He sounds abusive to me.

Sounds like he resents you going on the training and is generally irritated. Does he normally do most of the childcare or do you share?

No-one would stop me saying goodbye to my dcs. He sounds controlling and nasty. Are they safe with him? Do they get upset when you leave?

Controlling, jealous of the love between you and your children, doesn't like you doing your training. He is unkind, too. Do you even fancy this sergeant major?

I am so sorry. It sounds like you are right when you say the relationship is ruined.

He’s desperate enough to have his own way, that he can be intentionally cruel to the kids by not letting their mum say goodbye. Did he stop you with the threat of a scene in front of them ? It will happen again .

A suggested plan :

1. When possible pack a hidden bag for you and kids, with passports.
2. Tell him you will leave for at least week with kids if he ever does this again . ( and you’d be best to leave while he’s out and go to parents / friends. )
3. Ask parents / friend if you can use them as a bolt hole.
4. Take photos of all bank accounts.
5. Call a lawyer , first call often free.
6. Call a domestic abuse line , this is controlling abuse.
7. if you do end up leaving for a week , think long and hard about ever going back.
8. if you don’t want to do any / all of the above, please consider both going on a parenting course, either together or separately. Churches often run them with out churchy content.

I am sad for you but you’ve seen yourself this is not acceptable behaviour. If there are no consequences for him he might think he’s right to try to impose his will.

sending love and a hug
xx

Just no.

His behaviour has been very extreme.

Please seek help from Women's Aid.

He sounds abusive, OP. Overly harsh with the children and absolutely wrong to stop you saying goodbye to them. What do you know about his upbringing? Were his parents harsh with him?

You need to finish your training.

You then need to go home. Cuddle your children. Then sit down calmly with your DH and suggest you have couples counselling.

I can see you're upset and frustrated. I'm certain that he will be too. And his truth about this situation will be very different to yours.

Your children need you to co parent well for the rest of their childhood, whether this situation results in you finding a way forward together or splitting. Counselling will help you to find that middle ground together.

All the best.

I normally do most of the childcare rbh as he works shifts. My training had been organised on some rostered time off he has so that one of us is there. We both work full time but my job is normally 9-5 wfh so I have the more stable routine

This isn't the first argument we have had over how we bring the children up and as he doesn't see I am changing he blames me and I know when I go home he will blame me for everything and tell me how amazing everything has been now he has had his own way

I spoke to my oldest on facetime and she seemed fine, haven't spoken to the youngest and other than a few pictures from what nursery have put up have had no updates from DH on how they are etc which I find heart breaking. Even if we weren't talking and DH was away I would send updates on how they are.

OP, was this about the DC bedtimes by any chance?

He is abusing you and your children , he can’t demand you don’t say goodbye or good night to them. As they get older there will be more parenting challenges and if he is so controlling will cause further problems. Think you and kids would have a better future without him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

His nose has been further put out of joint by you doing your job training. Absolutely continue with your training here.

If counselling is to be at all considered here, go on your own. Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. I would second a previous suggestion to contact Womens Aid.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.