Porn insecurities.

[Cygnus13]

This is something I've fought for many years, and I have felt insecure about, although I know women who don't care at all and it's making me feel like I'm the problem. I've been with my current partner for almost 5 years now. When we first got together, he told me he didn't use porn. I was surprised as I though almost all men did, my ex partner of 8 years used to watch it almost every day (he also cheated on me multiple times). Don't get me wrong, I sort myself out maybe every other week, but I don't watch porn, or usually anything. My current partner and I have a pretty good sex life, but I found out last year that he actually does watch porn, despite telling me he didn't. He said he basically can't have a wank without something 'visual'. I've sent him video's/pictures but he says he doesn't like using his phone because the screen is too small.

Am I being problematic about this? For some reason it knocks me sick, knowing he's getting pleasure from looking at/watching another person. I'm not truly confident in my own body or face, which is probably contributing but I feel like even as a confident person, it would still make me feel ill. It gives me the ick so bad, is it unfair to request he stops doing this?

Thank you.

Are you linking your exes porn use to being unfaithful and think this will happen again with your current partner? Do you have any grounds to think that this would happen?

I'm in the same boat OP 😞

You aren't alone.

Of course it's hurtful and degrading knowing your oh is getting off to other women. The lying is unsettling too.

The problem here is not that he uses porn, but that he lied.

Because he lied he didn't give you informed choice.

Ask yourself if you would still have got together with him if he had told you the truth and take it from there.

I think when people watch porn they're not even necessarily having many thoughts about the people in it. The sexual imagery is just stimulating. They don't equate it to real life or compare you to the people in it. I'd like to bet they don't even remember what the person looks like within 10 minutes of the video finishing. This is problematic in itself but I think most of the time, they're not even looking at the person in the video as a human. Just a selection of body parts. It's the act they're enjoying, not the person.

I can't remember where I read it but there was a study where they measured arousal in men and women, and some people could even become aroused by apes mating (more people than you'd think). That's not to say they're attracted to apes, just that they found the 'sex' stimulating - in a primal way.

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel this way and it's something a lot of people struggle with... but I do think you're unrealistic to think asking him will make him stop. It will just create an element of secrecy in your relationship & something for you to dig around and 'catch him out' on. There are men who don't watch porn. So it's up to you whether you want to stick, and learn to be ok with this, or twist

The worst thing is he lied about it. Didn't even give you an opportunity to be ok with it or share in it. For 4 years it has been his dirty secret. That's not ok

Thanks guys I appreciate the advice. The ape thing was really interesting and weird. Made me feel better though 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don't have any grounds to believe he would cheat on me, but there is a little voice in the back of my head that says don't be surprised if he does.

My point exactly.

IMO that shows massive disrespect

I'm trying to curb my anger about the whole thing but you're right, it was shitty to lie and let me believe that lie all this time.

@Cygnus13 funnily enough reading about the apes was the turnaround for me too - in terms of my general feelings surround having sex with men who have/do watch porn. I can't say it affects my confidence anymore

Its just so so ingrained in culture from what, 12/13 years old? I think that's when I started hearing about it from all the boys at school. A lot of them have been doing it for so long that it just feels as normal as brushing their teeth. They haven't stopped to think about how problematic the industry is, how damaging it can be to sexual function (including their own) because they just think all their mates do it, it's normal. 'I'm alright Jack', it's fine kind of attitude. It isn't fine, of course, but I think sadly one of those issues that's hard to stamp out

And I agree that he shouldn't have lied if he knew it was one of your firm boundaries. There are plenty of women who dont really care either way, so early on when he found out it was possibly going to massively damage your confidence he should've laid his cards on the table

I think this is not right and I agree with your interpretation of porn.
Personally I think it is cheating.
He doesn't tell you as he probably knows its wrong, funny the things men 'leave out' isn't it!
you should NOT have to tolerate this. I went through this with my husband, it al most ended our engagement. I got so damn mad at him, I actually almost cheated myself after finding this, I just really wanted to hurt him. It definitely took a toll on us and you know what, I'm still not sure that we are the same. HOWEVER, The man tried and does try his best to show me he'd never do it again, he actually downloaded a spy app to my phone and said I could use it at any time to check his history, texts, calls, It even shows private browsing. I never use it, but the fact he would do that has put my mind at ease.
It is in NO WAY unreasonable for you to request he stop getting off looking at other women. It is a disgusting practice when your partner is not ok with it. Men don't 'need' porn, they just pretend that they do, it's an easy way out. He's not 16 alone in his bedroom anymore. Needs to respect you.

It doesn’t bother me. It’s quite normal to use something like porn, erotic fiction.

It's the secrecy and the way it makes me feel.
My DH was quite happy to admit he looks but I found he was looking up certain porn stars specifically which feels like a massive betrayal, it feels like he's cheating because it's not just faceless bodies.
Adds to my insecurities and makes me feel undesirable and not enough.
There is no point talking about it as he'd just do it behind my back anyway he's done it for years well before we got together and I know he won't give it up.
I personally don't know what to do other than know and put up with it.
I also feel it's affecting our sex like, the infrequency and intimacy doesn't seem there, I've told him this but there's no effort to remedy this....

There is no point talking about it as he'd just do it behind my back anyway he's done it for years well before we got together and I know he won't give it up.

I'm afraid you've made a rod for your own back here . You accepted him and his porn use and now you're stuck with it.

I personally don't know what to do other than know and put up with it.

You’re not going to make him change into a different man and nothing that he’s doing is being caused by you or a reflection on you. What you can change is your involvement.

You could leave and get some counselling to find out why you have a problem with standards and boundaries.

Sorry to be blunt.