feeling a little used?

[herewegogogox]

name change for anonymous posting.

partner and i are friends with a couple, have been for around 10 years met through work, get on really well and so do our children.

last year we had our bathroom done which our friend (who owns their own company) agreed to do the work (fully paid no “mates rates” which is fair enough it’s a hard world at the minute) …. although the friend was being fully paid as a contracted job they took the p**s, turning up late etc my partner had a word it was then sorted however, the friend was supposed to come back to finish off something the following week and never did started ignoring calls and messages etc (stupidly my partner paid them for the work upfront). instead of facing it there and then my partner let it go and as i’m close with this persons other half i didn’t want to get her involved so never said anything, our children are also friends so didn’t want to ruin that.

anyway, our children are at the same school and she occasionally asks for favours, this has intensified to being more frequently and involves me running around to different places as i don’t work now she seems to rely on me more and more …

the problem is i feel very resentful for the way we were treated, we had to pay for another person to finish the job as our supposed friend ripped us off ….yet here i am helping them out all the time …then i think well does she even know this happened?? so can i be mad and take it out on her?? also it was last year so is it now too late to bring it up?

she works full time so doesn’t return any favours which fair enough we don’t need it but i’m feeling worse and worse about all this ….

opinions??

It sounds like this friendship has run its course. You can’t get over how you’ve been treated by them but now it’s too late to bring it up, so I’d just slowly retreat from this friendship

don’t be spineless like your partner and “let it go”

You are close to her. You are friends. So…. Talk to her!!

@Tookeffort81 thank you for using the word “spineless” i called this my partner at the time and wish id taken things into my own hands!

So

practise what you preached 🤷‍♀️

then i think well does she even know this happened??

well if you never spoke to her about it, the only info she’ll have received is from her husband. And he’s likely to have a rather different version than you

i doubt she knows at all - thank you for the advice

I think you need to tell her what’s gone on and how you feel about it (she may not know). Be prepared for the friendship to end but it sounds like it will anyway.

On the favours you are doing... just say "sorry, can't do it". Or the famous MN saying 'No' is a complete sentence.

Don't explain yourself either - that just opens up negotiations. Leave it as a blanket 'doesn't work for me' type of thing.

You just start saying no to favours. It doesn’t matter why you can or can’t do it. You don’t need to justify your time to a friend. It doesn’t matter if you are not at work. It is not their business.

The bathroom on the other hand, I would now let go and don’t mix friends and business again. You have found it can get messy.

Her response will tell you whether the relationship has run it's course or still has any life. i.e. is she a user who drops you like a ton of bricks when she can't use you any more.

You need to separate the bathroom let-down from your current resentment of your friend's behaviour.

she works full time so doesn’t return any favours which fair enough

How is it fair enough?
You choosing to be a SAHM is a decision you took for the benefit of your own family, not hers. Why should your choice to sacrifice all the benefits of maintaining a career be used to support your friend's career?
Why do you view your time as less valuable than hers?
How is it ok for favours to be a one-way street?

It sounds like she has got very used to you being a source of free childcare & that she doesn't feel she needs to acknowledge how much you are putting yourself out for her. Take PP's advice, & stop doing it - but as they recommend, don't fall into the trap of explaining or justifying -
https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Tell her that all the running around has become too much, that you chose to be a SAHM to spend more quality time with your DC, & that while you're happy to host playdates & facilitate the childrens' friendship, you won't be continuing to be her ad hoc childcare.

How she responds to that will tell you what you need to know about how she values the friendship. Seems like you are being taken for granted, so if she responds negatively, don't let her reaction guilt-trip you into being her mug. She either respects you as a person & a friend & backs off with apologies - or she sees you as her free help. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Start asking her to do favours for you at the weekend or other time when you know she isn't working. See what her reaction is. That will tell you all you need to know.

There are 2 things here. 1, you got shafted over the bathroom. 2, she's using you to be her skivvy. I'd actually tell her that you still feel disappointed that her husband never finished the job . You actually paid someone else x again, to finish it. It made you out of pocket. See what she says. The other problem's easy to resolve. Just ignore her messages for a few hours then say, cant I'm busy every time. It's on you if you allow yourself to be used, and treated badly.

Tell her about the bathroom debacle, and start saying no to her requests.

You're letting things go, just like your partner did. You can't be annoyed at him for doing that, if you're doing it yourself.

Think I mention the bathroom and re kids you busy. Sorry doesnt suit. Op I used please everyone then I needed help. Nobody free. Lesson learnt. I suit myself now.

People can only use you if you allow them.

’No, I can’t. Maybe see you for lunch next Thursday?’
’I won’t be able to do that’
’which Saturday this month can you mind my kids? ‘ (we can guess the answer to this one, I’ll bet she’ll have no issue declining favours for you)
No ‘sorry, but’ or justifying yourself. See if the friendship continues without you prostrating yourself before these people.

Say NO if you dint want to do any favour. You can chose what to do for friends you know… and you might want to check if she isn’t using you (too?)

As for what happened with the bathroom.
A big lesson is to never get involved with a friend doing some work for you. Some help yes, proper professional work is hard because boundaries are so blurred. It should be a lesson learnt from both sides imo.