Need advice on family Xmas hassles

[Azzie]

I?d really appreciate your thoughts/advice on what to do about a situation that has arisen in my family (long post ? sorry).
Our plan this year was to spend Christmas at my Mum and stepdad?s house; my brother and his wife (who don?t have any children yet, and who my two kids adore) were invited also. I was really looking forward to a family Christmas, as it is many years since my brother and I have spent Christmas Day together.
My stepfather has now put his foot down and said that my brother and his wife can?t come, because it is too much work for my Mum (she has high blood pressure, and had a couple of fainting fits earlier this year). My brother is really upset about this. My aunt feels that there is also an element here to do with my stepdad?s situation ? his children no longer speak to him, and he sometimes seems a little jealous of my mum?s closeness with her family.
I originally invited Mum and my stepdad to come to us for Christmas ? our new house is plenty large enough for a family do, and I really wanted to spend Christmas in our new home. However, my Mum insisted that we go to her ? she said that I was working and she wasn?t, so it would be easier for her to do all the preparations (however, there is a sub-text here that she and my stepfather are not allowed to smoke in my house ? my Dad died of lung cancer and I cannot compromise on this).
I feel that my brother and his wife would be no trouble at Christmas; it is having my kids around that will exhaust my mum, not two grown-ups who will muck in and help out with the chores. For two pins I would say fine, we?re not coming if there?s a problem, but I know how upset my mum will be if she doesn?t see the kids this Christmas (she had a quiet Christmas with my stepdad last year and didn?t really enjoy it). Plus, I don?t really want to put her in a situation where she has to choose between her husband and her kids (although if I had to choose between my stepdad and my brother then I would choose my brother).
Dh says that he doesn?t want to go if there?s going to be an atmosphere; his point is that he and I have been working very hard and need to relax over Christmas, we don?t need any stress and hassle. He is quite prepared to be blamed for us not going if needs be, he says that if my mum accepts my stepdad putting his foot down, then she can accept him doing the same!
The final complication in all this is that I officially know nothing about it (my aunt has filled me in, because she feels I should know what I?m walking into). So I can?t just ring up and tell everyone that we?re not going to mum?s, but that they are all welcome at my house for Christmas as long as they behave ? if I do that then my aunt gets into trouble for telling me. I don?t just need advice on what to do about Christmas, I also need some suggestions about how to ?officially? get to know the problem exists!

Do you talk to your mum on the phone? Perhaps you could steer the conversation round to your brother, and happen to mention how much your kids are looking forwards to seeing him at Christmas, and how nice it will be that you'll be able to have a real "family" Christmas. That will give her the opportunity to tell you the state of play herself if she wants to. If she tells you the same - that all the preparations would be too much, then perhaps you could offer again to have them at yours - she might just accept if as it sounds circumstances have changed a bit since the original offer was turned down.

GillWs advice sounds good to me.

Hmmm, must admit my first thought was to ring up and play the 'act dumb and ask totally innocent but leading questions' card. Thought I might try it on my brother first, though, and find out exactly how he feels about it all, before I tackle Mum. I should have done it yesterday really, but it was dd's birthday and I didn't really want any ensuing hassle to cast a shadow over the celebrations.

Oh, dh had another star suggestion - buying air tickets to a foreign destination and telling everyone that we'd won a surprise Christmas vacation .

Don't think he was serious though!

Nice of your aunt to tell you - gives you lots of time to come up with alternatives. Your DH's idea of blaming it on him might work well - good psychology.

I like GillW's advice too but what if your mum is still working on your stepdad so doesn't actually tell you? Could you say that you are really worried about her overdoing it and that although you appreciate her offer to cater for everybody, doing it yourself would make you enjoy Christmas more, even if it wasn't such a break? (And of course you'd have your brother and SIL to help out.) Or, could your brother and SIL have Christmas dinner at their house while you stay home, and then all of them come over to visit for a few hours later, or all of you go to visit them? (If distance permits?)

Are they allowed to go outside for a quick fag, like at work, at your house or is it no smoking anywhere? I can understand how you feel about it but might it be worth making a concession over this?

Christmas is sooo complicated sometimes!

Janh, unfortunately the distances involved don't make short visits a viable option (Cambridge, Leicester and Bristol).

As for the smoking issue, we have a large covered verandah-type-thingy at the front of the house, so I'm not asking mum etc to sit out in the rain (and in fact another reason I'd rather they came to me is that then my kids don't have to do any passive smoking, unlike if we go to Mum's).

The 'blame dh' option is increasingly attractive - I'd also be very interested to see how my family took it, as my mum thinks the sun shines out of dh and that he is far too good for me!

Azzie, am in similar-ish situation. Don't know what to advise except if everyone expects you to bow to dh and he is happy to be blamed then you could invite them to you (but no smoking) and blame him. Can see why that's attractive! Know what you mean about not wanting to go if there's an atmosphere and about putting your mum in an awkward position. Hard isn't it?

I prefer the "surprise christmas vacation" idea myself.

Families - who'd have 'em? In X years time, we're going to be the ones doing this to our children?? Scarey thought.

No great insight except that it's a bit "off" of someone to invite another to a gathering, then uninvite them, whatever the circumstances.

I don't get the secrecy part too as your aunt need not be implicated - your brother has been asked not to come (having been previously invited) and is upset about
Do your mum and stepdad expect you to turn up on Christmas day and be surprised to find your brother isn't there?
Can't you phone your mum and stepdad and say your brother is upset at having his invitation retracted and you understand about your stepdad's concern for her health but you will all muck in ( even suggest bringing the food) so she does not have too much stress, still gets to see the family and has the comforts of her own home?
However , at the end of the day if it's your mum and stepdad's house thay can dictate who comes and who doesn't.
What does your mum have to say about this invitation being retracted? Does she want your brother to be there?

Well, I spoke to my brother last night, and I think it makes my course of action clearer (although possibly still not all that desireable).

He is indeed quite upset about it all, but is mature enough (OK, I know he's 37 but he's still my little brother ) to say that it's not worth causing a big fuss over. Apparently Mum was in tears when she rang him to say not to come, obviously she and my stepdad had had a big row about it. So at least she hasn't just given in to him without putting up some resistance. My brother says that he thinks there is definitely some element of my stepdad trying to exert control over my mum.

However, I now feel that it would be very mean to Mum if we don't go for Xmas, and that we would be punishing her for my stepdad's behaviour. Dh says that we should only go if I can do it without feeling resentful towards my stepdad - he is of course right, but I may have to work on that one!

I can't help feeling that my stepdad is trying to put space between my mum and us. I know she chose him, we didn't, so to some extent he is her problem, but I love my mum and I want her to be happy. We have always welcomed my stepdad into the family as one of us, right from when she first met him, so I resent his actions.

My brother and SIL are now coming over to us the weekend before Xmas for a pre-Xmas Xmas dinner, so at least we'll get to see them.

Azzie could your DB and family stay in a hotel nearby to your mum, so that they could come over on Xmas day but wouldn't 'cause extra work' for her? What a shame this situation is and so unecessary, poor you.

Sound a good idea Suedonim. Maybe if Christmas is too much work for your Mum Azzie you could go stay with them and then all go out for Christmas dinner to a local hotel.

Azzie, I really feel for you, it's never easy is it. I can't add anything much else but I think SueDonim's suggestion is maybe worth a go? I think it's such a shame that Christmas seems to have to be planned with such military precision these days to ensure no-one is offended etc etc. Dh and I have spent 9 out of 10 Christmases that we have known each other in the company of his parents either at their house or they have been to us. This year, we decided that we would stay at home, which would be nice for dd who will be nearly 18 months and I will be 6 months pregnant. PIL have been invited to their daugther's in Scotland, but for some reason that is quite beyond me, when I informed MIL of our plans for Christmas she was extremely cool and offhand, you just can't win!

Anyway Azzie, hope you can work things out and that you have a great family Christmas one way or another.