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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Adult children of domestic abuse households

20 replies

BloodBornPapyrus · 26/04/2023 22:07

I am in my thirties but grew up with my mother being abused by my father - verbally abused, controlled, isolated and it was a reign of terror. It’s still ongoing actually but I don’t live there anymore. So much aggression and fear. I honestly can’t fully remember most of my childhood.
I just feel so alone with it and wondered if anyone else understands? I still feel so much shame and it would be nice to know it’s not just me.

Have just started another thread about the freedom programme as have heard about this and want to help my mum who is still there.

OP posts:

Alcemeg · 26/04/2023 22:40

Hello OP

I spent decades feeling sorry for my mum. Dad died in his 90s, so although she's still alive she can't make the most of things the way I hoped she would one day. They had well over half a century of putting a brave face on things. I hoped for more for her one day, but it was not to be.

However...!

Since he died, I've spent a lot more time with her alone, and although I'm thrilled to see her relaxing a bit, I can also see how life wasn't easy for him either.

Regarding the way their relationship affected me, growing up, I can see how they were both emotionally immature. In many ways this messed me up, perhaps for life.

But who is perfect? I think they did their best. I'd love to send them the psychotherapy bill, but I don't think that would be fair. Part of the reason they never grew up is that they were too busy keeping a roof over our heads.

Not sure if this answers your question, just something I've been reflecting on lately!

Original poster

BloodBornPapyrus · 26/04/2023 23:33

@Alcemeg Thanks for replying. I don’t have as much sympathy myself. I suppose every situation is different. I know what you mean about the therapy bill!! I just feel so tired of it. I always feel so different to other people and I’m sure it’s because of this.

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 26/04/2023 23:55

i always wonder how many of us there are, hiding in plain sight. Damaged, yet leading seemingly normal lives.

I left as soon as I could. My mother practically pushed me out the door for my own safety.

I never got my mother out. She always had the option to leave, she even did it once, but she went back after a few months because he stopped drinking for a bit. As an adult, I offered concrete and financial help so many times. Eventually she told me she was too old to take a chance on a different life. Cancer took her a few years later and I do believe the stress of her situation played a large factor in her illness.

Heroicallyfound · 27/04/2023 00:03

Look up the stately homes thread, wonder if you might find some people there.

MintJulia · 27/04/2023 00:51

'I always wonder how many of us there are, hiding in plain sight. Damaged, yet leading seemingly normal lives.

I left as soon as I could. My mother practically pushed me out the door for my own safety.'

This. I didn't get my mother out either but she was widowed when she was 70 and had 20 years on her own, quietly enjoying her new-found freedom and going on coach holidays. 🙂

I carry on quite normally, raise my son, have a career, a home, friends, hobbies, Life is good. Peaceful & reasonably affluent. I occasionally date but I could never live with a man. I could never risk our safety or happiness in that way.

DramaAlpaca · 27/04/2023 01:09

I don't want to go into too many details but just to say I completely understand, OP, I really do. My DM is 87 and still there after 64 years of a very difficult marriage.

I have been very lucky, I've been with a wonderful man for 35 years. I knew what I'd come from and managed to find something totally different for myself. I wish my DM had been able to leave but sadly it was beyond her.

breakingthebank · 27/04/2023 01:25

I understand, I think there are probably loads of us who experienced similar. I moved out as soon as I could, my mission from about the age of 12 was to earn enough money to get out of that house. The weird thing is that I didn't even realise that my dad's behaviour was abusive until I was in my late 20s and had extensive training on domestic abuse for my job! I just knew living with my dps made me miserable.

My dps are still together, dad has mellowed a bit with age, no violence for years as far as I know but still controlling. I do have sympathy for my mum but she's an adult who has consistently chosen to excuse his behaviour and stay with him over the years so I have detached emotionally and just let them get on with it now.

Northernsouloldies · 27/04/2023 03:06

They split years ago (ow). The effects of growing up in a dv household leave their mark. It took me decades to reconcile with what I heard, saw, and had done to me. I was watching TV and the nspcc ad was on. It was kid sitting on the stairs listening to the unfolding violence. It took me right back to being that kid. I wish now that they'd split when I was young. Anyone in a dv relationship, please don't stay for the sake of the kids.

Alcemeg · 27/04/2023 08:00

@BloodBornPapyrus I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound flippant or dismissive. I'm so sorry you have this burden to carry. I've also reflected a lot on how much easier life would have been if I hadn't been so deeply ingrained with all that shit. Having a normal relationship with anyone, not just romantically, has been very difficult all my life. I'm in my 60s now and finally have a wonderful loving husband, but jeeeeezzzzz it took a long time to reach this point and part of our recipe for happiness is to live far away from other people.

I hope you too will find your happiness and peace one day ❤

billy1966 · 27/04/2023 10:22

BloodBornPapyrus · 26/04/2023 23:33

I would strongly suggest you look up "The crappy childhood fairy" on YouTube.

She is very interesting.
It was recommended on here.

Your feelings sound like a symtom of CPTS.

She does a tick list.

Well worth a look.

SparklingLime · 27/04/2023 10:25

I can relate to a lot in here too. I've ended up very isolated.

PrairieDawn101 · 27/04/2023 10:33

I am so happy to find this thread. Even hearing just a few people voice what I experienced makes me feel less isolated. DV leaves a life loving mark on children and also affected the way I am in my own marriage and with my own kids. I have had to make life here so “perfect” as a way of reconciling my own childhood. One day I will be brave enough to talk about this and find help. I struggle to understand how the other adults in my life (grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, teachers) either ignored or didn’t see what was happening. I try to rationalise it in terms of being a different time and era, but still so many unanswered questions. Thanks for starting this conversation.

Hellzbellz25 · 27/04/2023 12:14

I understand, it was verbal and physical abuse from my dad to my mum, he used to come home drunk and beat the shit out of her all the time, I used to sit at the front window shaking frightened of him coming home, I used to lie in bed with my disc man on full volume in my earphones, I still shake now if someone shouts and I've been single for ten years, it's messed me up in a lot of ways and I will never get over it, I understand how you feel x

Izzy54321 · 27/04/2023 12:29

I totally understand, my earliest memory is my parents threatening each other with knives, I was about 3. Even now as a grown woman I still hate shouting or raised voices, very triggering. We grow up and try not to repeat what our parents did to us.

CurlewKate · 27/04/2023 14:26

The actor Patrick Stewart is very interesting and eloquent on this subject.

Original poster

BloodBornPapyrus · 27/04/2023 19:08

It’s so nice to not feel alone. Thank you all.

@Alcemeg I don’t think that at all, don’t worry.

OP posts:

Original poster

BloodBornPapyrus · 27/04/2023 19:08

I have this weird combination of feelings from nostalgic stuff from childhood as there is just a horrible feeling of blankness and dread along with it.

OP posts:

KeanuKenunu · 27/04/2023 21:28

I am in this situation too and sadly went on to marry the very type of person I'd hoped to avoid. It does make you feel different and isolated. I totally empathise and agree it is helpful to see that others have had similar lives.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 27/04/2023 21:37

@BloodBornPapyrus I understand. Brought up in a very similar environment and the effects have stayed with me ever since. Always hyper vigilant even after all this time. Hearing raised voices outside on the street absolutely freezes me. I'm hyper sensitive and completely unable to do conflict resolution. I've had therapy which has helped me understand why I am the way I am as for many years I thought I was completely broken as a human. Well I suppose I kind of am. But at least I understand. There must be so so many of us...

PrancerandDancer · 27/04/2023 21:43

Oh I get it OP. In fact this week I've just finished my most recent round of therapy for the anxiety I have as a result.

Like others I struggle with arguing and raised voices.

I am hyper critical of my own parenting in a bid to protect my child.

What I am finding sad is the amount of PP saying they didn't manage to get their DM's out of the situation. I felt this for many years but ultimately it is not up to the children to save them. They are grown ups making their own decisions. It's a very difficult web to untangle though.

Sending lots of peace and healing to you all 💚

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