Unpicking my marriage - where to get help

[Mutt5Nutt5]

I need some help as I think I’m going mad.

I am in the process of divorce following a long marriage.

Many of the married years I was unhappy. My DH is selfish, lazy and treated me fairly badly. This culminated in his being serially unfaithful to me. We had counselling, I took him back and we moved on. We had a good life financially, did lots, had a lovely home and life but I never got over it.

I couldn’t move on and told him I wanted to separate. He reacted aggressively, filed for divorce and is in the process of trying to annihilate me in every way. All my friends and family support me and have come out saying he’s been controlling coercive and abusive for the whole time. His friends and family have completely turned on me forgetting his infidelities, gambling and terribly selfish behaviour.

I can see that what my friends say is true but yet I feel terrible guilt. I am now, with his friends and family, the wicked evil party.

I want to move forward. I read things and listen to friends about abuse and agree. And then I go away and convince myself I’ve made it up and it wasn’t that bad and I regret choosing to leave.

how can I get some clarity?

Please get a recommendation for a good therapist to guide and support you.

You are being very brave by finally cutting him lose.

He sounds awful and you are well rid.

He underestimated you and now is furious at you having the termity to end things.

Listen to those who care for you.

His side could be reacting to the fact he will now lean on them!

Thankyou. I need to talk to someone. I appreciate you replying. I think I am losing the plot.

You are stressed.

Are you sharing a house?

If you are perhaps get some legal advice.

Space and support will give you clarity.

Have you called Women's aid for support?

You’re not answerable to his friends and family. Take your own revenge by ignoring them and living your best life. Sorry he’s treated you so badly and your friends sound like a good support network. Definitely some counselling will help you to see the wood for the trees and empower you to make decisions for yourself to move on. He’s showing you the sort of person he actually is so you’re well rid.
Be kind to yourself 💐

You can't expect to find clarity until you can take your own feelings seriously, and that has been conditioned out of you in this marriage.

Part of the reason it needs to end is that this whole relationship obliterates you.

One day you'll be so amazed and proud of yourself for getting through this with the blind faith of a better future. You'll find out just how right you were.

Until then, I'm afraid it will be an uncomfortable ride. You've internalised all the messages you receive daily about being stupid and unreliable, so I'm afraid that's how you're going to feel until you've managed to put some distance between you and all this daily crap that you've come to view as normal.

It will be worth it, trust me. Trust the process. You're not just doing this for the fun of it, hey.

I can recommend a very good therapist; online so location is not a problem.

@Alcemeg has nailed it. So beautifully put so I’m just going to repeat it all here:

“You can't expect to find clarity until you can take your own feelings seriously, and that has been conditioned out of you in this marriage.

Part of the reason it needs to end is that this whole relationship obliterates you.

One day you'll be so amazed and proud of yourself for getting through this with the blind faith of a better future. You'll find out just how right you were.

Until then, I'm afraid it will be an uncomfortable ride. You've internalised all the messages you receive daily about being stupid and unreliable, so I'm afraid that's how you're going to feel until you've managed to put some distance between you and all this daily crap that you've come to view as normal.

It will be worth it, trust me. Trust the process. You're not just doing this for the fun of it, hey.”

You have to ignore his friends and family. They don't know what went on. You do.

What they think isn't important.

Don't doubt yourself. You know what he's like, what happened. You're doing well. Just don't engage. Only via solicitors.

Thank you all for replying. Yes I am stressed and yes, we are still sharing a house.

OP, I'm sure you're already spotted it, but if not have a read of this current thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4793123-has-anyone-regretted-leaving-their-marriage?reply=125747329

Sharing a house is terrible, I did the same for months. It just magnified all my doubts because I was a daily witness to his pain and suffering, which (it was made clear) was all my fault and unforgivable.

Oddly enough, he never seemed to notice any of my pain and suffering. Funny that.

(Thank you for the fabulous compliment, @Dery!)

Indeed, great post from @Alcemeg.

Sharing a house with your abuser makes things a whole lot worse.

Have you gotten legal advice?

Have you called Women's aid for advice.

Could you get him to leave?
Could you leave the house?

Are you selling the house?

I agree with therapy. And the more qualified and experienced the better.

When a therapist like that validates your inner feelings it’s much easier to hold on to the truth.

It’s a bit like “my mum says, or my teacher says”. It’s not like that straight away, as the therapist is there to help you work out your own feelings, but if you have been bullied and controlled for years they can help you see that’s it’s not you, it’s him.

Thanks all yes I have seen the regret thread and commented (NC). i felt like I was really regretting it this week because it has amplified due to recent events.

I have taken your advice and contacted a counsellor today. I feel like an impartial person would help me understand rather than people who are on "my side", whose comments I then overthink and convince myself I have over-egged the behaviour.

We are in the same house and it's on the market but not shifting yet. I do have legal advice but haven't contacted women's aid. Neither of us can/will leave.

It's a mad situation.

Please could you send me your recommendation?

I was advised to find a charted clinical psychologist. There are online/zoom ones you can call, but I preferred face to face.

I looked up local practices and then looked through the profiles of the therapists on the website. The profile usually tells you any specialisations (eg teenagers, anorexia, relationships etc) it will usually give you the qualifications as well. Ie 3 years plus at university.

I was told that although the BCAP have lists of practitioners they dont necessarily have the same levels of experience and qualifications.

My therapist charges just over £100 an hour. Some of the BCAP ones charged £50/hour.

I feel like an impartial person would help me understand rather than people who are on "my side", whose comments I then overthink and convince myself I have over-egged the behaviour.

OP, this is just another way of saying that you're so used to having your views and feelings discounted or derided that you've got into the habit of not taking them seriously, even if that means ignoring what seems to be valid input from other people.

It's this distorted viewpoint that makes it such a dangerous trap to be in.

For the same reasons as you (wanting an "impartial" outsider), I paid for a counsellor for a while as a kind of sanity check. She completely validated and endorsed my misgivings about the marriage, and even hinted that I was unaware of the sheer scale of how bad it was.

However, guess what?! I kept thinking that there must be some special detail I hadn't told her that would make all the difference, that would make her stop and realise what an idiot I was being. 😀