Help me with a response to a two-faced friend

[Nevereverinamillionyears]

I'd love some help with responding to a person who I used to think was a friend (spent loads of time together, family-wise and socialising ourselves and with other friends). Over recent years, while I've been struggling with a sick parents, illness myself and my child having ASN, she's left me out of stuff, quite overtly, and I've got the message she no longer wants to be friends. I've had this confirmed via a mutual friend, who doesn't know the reason. It's been pretty tricky as we had a whole group of friends, but given she's the main organiser, I've been managed out of the group. Obviously I'm better off, and I'm putting time into my real friends. And I don't keep in touch with her now.
But she dips back in, texting every so often (our kids are at school together) which is messing with my head. And now my mother-in-law has died, and she's offered to help with kids and wants to go to funeral. Which is on the surface very kind, but she's the last person I'd want to do either (she's made hurtful comments to others re my child's ASN too.)
I clam up so wouldn't be able to say something in person at this stage, esp as I'm feeling emotional at losing my MIL. How do I close her down, given a text will inevitably be shared widely?
Thank you if you got this far!

Just say thanks but I've already got some help.

Why do you have to respond?

I would just stop responding/block her.

Thanks for the offer, but we're covered. The funeral is a small private affair, so we're limiting numbers. If you'd like to remember them, we're suggesting donations to xxx charity.

And with the above, she'll look like a dick if she talks shit about you when you're bereaved.

I don’t think you can stop anyone going to a funeral so i’d just let her get on with it, if she tries to speak to you at the funeral just make an excuse and walk away.

As far as her offer of help just say you have that sorted and then don’t respond to any other messages.

Her offer is emotional game-playing. She sounds like a manipulative bitch who thrives on creating drama. Do not take the bait.

Best thing would be to delete the message and just block her.

However, if you feel you really must respond, then perhaps something like –

“Thanks for your kind offer. I’d rather not accept if that’s okay with you. Given the comments you’ve made about [name]’s ASN, I think it’s probably best if we leave it there.”

Then block her and forget about it.

Does she know your MIL in any other context? If not it’s very strange to want to attend the funeral. Just reply ‘sorry close friends and family only’ I may even put ‘closest’ in this case.

She is obviously a grief vampire and wants to do a ‘good friend’ performance when there’s an audience.

I always make a point of not following the herd, but an awful lot of people keep their heads down, it might be other people in the group won’t challenge her unfortunately. She sounds a dominant force. You’ll need to be quite proactive in maintaining your friendships if she’s freezing you out. I’d try and meet a couple people at a time….this way you ware having mini get togethers too.
Also it’s about a feeling of power for her and will be very little to do with you or your children.

Take care

That's actually quite inflammatory and gives the woman something to argue with. Don't raise any specific issues, OP, whatever you decide to do.

Just say, thanks for offering but I have help.
I don't really think you can stop her attending the funeral. Sorry for the loss of your MIL.

Funerals are busy times, easy to just not reply.

Archive her number so you don't see it.

Awful woman.

Take care.

Thank you all for your replies, it's really helpful to have a few ideas of what to say, and nice to feel supported too

‘Thanks for the offer, but my friends are helping’.

ie, MY REAL FRIENDS, BITCH!

Just say thanks don't need any help. All sorted. I would not expand with any funeral messages either. Its curt and to the point!

This!! It draws a very clear boundary by putting her in her place. Also ignore any further messages after that, she obviously sees herself as a good person who cares, don't feed her delusion.

Sorry for your loss.

Thanks everyone!

Just dont respond and use the “im so busy at the mo” excuse. Hopefully she will get the message. Sounds like one friend you can do without