I feel like screaming from the highest mountain!!!

[crazychipmunk]

I'm sitting here holding back the tears with a throbbing headache and want to just scream out at the top of my voice. I hate my H, he drives me totally insane I feel like I'm constantly living on the edge and just wish someone would come and push me off and end these feelings.

He must be the most laziest, unthoughtful, inconsiderate man in the world. He wasn't always this way he was totally different when we met but he's turned into the type of man I'd run a mile from if I met him now. I don't even know when it started he's been like this for so many years now.

I feel like I've tried every which way possible to tell him how I feel and discuss things with him about making changes but to no avail. I've tried to sit and have a quiet discussion with him, crying, pleading, screaming, begging, shouting, threating to leave but nothing works. I just don't know what to do anymore. He acknowledges that he needs to change and says he doesn't like to see me upset but does nothing to change his ways. I've come to the conclusion that he'll never change now and I mustn't mean enough to him to make these changes, although he adamently says that thats not the case. But actions speak louder than words!

Simple little things like making a call he needs to make needs several reminders from me before he gets round to it, and even then it's usually because I'll pick the phone up to do it that he'll take over and make the call. I'm sick to the back teeth of hearing "yeah I'll get round to it" and he never does.

He doesn't seem to care about anything but himself, he's not really close with his family but his mum/dad/brother etc get thought about more than me and our DC. If he misses a call from them he'll return it immediately, if they want him for something he's straight off to help no matter what plans I may have.

He never helps around the house and sits on his arse watching sport or anything else that takes his fancy. I've tried going on strike and not doing anything but that doesn't work he'll just sit in a shit tip and not care and if he runs out of clean clothes he'll just put a wash on with what he wants and balls to anyone else. I don't want a show home, just somewhere thats clean and tidy.

We moved into the house were in now 5 yrs ago and it needed several jobs doing, I'm still waiting for the jobs to be done, some are half started and some not even been attempted, all jobs that he's capable of doing, many of which I'm not and don't have the money to get someone in to do them. I've been waiting for central heating to be installed since we moved in, god, I could go on forever about the stuff that needs doing!
My electricity bills are huge due to the fact that I have oil filled radiators all over to keep the house warm and I'm now in arrears and struggling to pay.

I don't even feel like we're a married couple anymore, we're more like brother and sister. I cry myself to sleep most nights, I'm on medication for depression and feel really stressed most days but now I just don't say anything because if I do he blames it on the fact that I'm having an off day or I must have forgotten to take my tablet. He just wont take responsibility for anything and acts like it's just me not able to cope and tells me that I don't feel like this all the time. What does he know? yes I do feel like this all the time, some days I'm just able to handle it better and try to let it wash over me for a quiet life.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I hate my life and feel like I'm just living for my DC

Try this, stop the nagging, the shouting, even the asking. Just quietly do it all yourself. Don't ask him to do anything, don't ask him for anything. Mentally remove him from the equation. My bet is he will start feeling really uncomfortable at the chnage, he will start to wonder whats going on and this will spur him into action

Also, start doing more for yourself, get yourself dressed up and go out, get your hair done, slap on some makeup and start smiling! Playing music and singing helps too If you don't feel it, then fake it!

I have tried it and it does work!

He has cottoned on to the fact that he doesn't have to do anything, all he has to do is let your 'rantings' go in one ear out the other, sit back and watch you do it anyway.

Good luck!

Also, get quotes from tradesmen for the jobs he hasn't completed.

Show him you mean business and remember, actions speak louder than words!

I'd have to leave him for a while - sounds like he has become lazy and cant be arsed with anything anymore - you deserve better and life is for living not to be made shitty by someone else's actions? Good luck!

Thank you so much for your replies. I don't have anyone I can stay with, I've lost touch with all my friends because they where so fed up of his attitude, he doesn't let me go out, last time was over 2 yrs ago and he gave me such a hard time over it and made me feel so fed up it just isn't worth the effect to bother anymore. He doesn't physically restrain me just makes me feel so shitty that I can't be arsed, he's even gone so far as to sod off in the car whilst I was getting ready and didn't come home till it was way too late to go out anyway.

I've tried the getting all dressed up, putting slap on, singing and smiling my way through the day approach but that didn't work either. He even suspected I was up to something. I took a part time job to get out of the house about 3 yrs ago and my mood lifted I felt so confident about myself and I really enjoyed it but again, he made me feel so crap, accused me of being a bad mother for not being home 24/7 and even accused me of fancying a work collegue, I had to leave in the end because it was getting me down and making me ill arguing all the time over his sillyness.

He wont allow me to have my own friendships, it's like he wants to be involved all the time and tries to get all matey with them while slagging them off to me behind their backs, telling me I shouldn't trust anyone and I'm naive. Jesus, I'm 40 yrs old for gods sake!! I'm not a child

I feel so bloody trapped and don't know what the hell to do for the best, the DC would be devastated if I left him

why on earth are you still with him? dc wouldn't be devastated if you left him (or at least not for long). dc will build a good relationship with him of his own, and you can live the life you deserve. go go go.

This sounds like a horrible way to have to live your life. Are you just staying him for the DCs? Not for money, or out of fear of being alone, or anything else? Because if so that is no reason to stay IMO.

Your DCs might find the actual time of the split hard but in the long run they will be happier if their parents are happier. If you are depressed and feeling worthless that is not good for them at all. IMO you owe it to them to change that by leaving him. Also if you have DDs then you need to show them that it is not alright to be treated the way you are being treated (and in fact if you have DSs you need to show them that they can't grow-up to treat women like your DH treats you).

It will be hard but I would think very carefully about getting out of there as soon as you can. For all your sakes.

I just wanted to add that he did get a little too 'friendly' with a friend of mine a few yrs ago and I left him for a few days. He begged me to forgive him and that it was just a moment of madness and he realised how much I mean't to him, It had been going on behind my back for a few months. I had suspected something was not quite right at the time but never dreamed that it was that.

I gave in and we both agreed to work to improve things but he just doesn't seem to be making an effort and now I've given up because I can't make it work for both of us. I've asked him time and time again why he always wants to be around me and checks up on everything I do and doesn't like me going out or having friends and he says it's because he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me. No matter what I say he doesn't seem to grasp that the way he is is more likely to push me away.

so many women come onto mn with simiar problems. its very very sad to see.
its impossible to change another persons behaviour. you can only change your own behaviour, andhow you react to other peoples behaviour.
i hope you find the support you need here whilst you manage to work out what you are going to do, and get together the strentght to do it. from what you say, you need to boot him out, if at al l possible. if not, then you need to leave.

You deserve so much more than this.

I agree, get on with things without asking him for anythig. Let him soon see you can manage without him and you will soon see it yourself too.

You and your children deserve more. If you have girls you don't want them growing up thinking this is okay for them to be treated like it, and if you have boys you don't want them learning this is how to treat their partners either.

I am with him purely for the sake of the DC, I've sat and asked myself a million times why else I would stay and I can honestly say there is nothing that he does for me that makes me feel its all worth it. I know he loves me and tbh I do feel sorry for him and worry how he would cope. (until he met another woman to do everything for him)

I just don't want the DC to grow up in a broken home like I did and I do take my marriage vows seriously. I'd make a fabulous actress, I'm very good at making everyone believe we're the 'perfect' family. The DC don't know anything is wrong and if we do rarely have a disagreement when they're around they have always been told that we just had a fall out like they do with thier friends sometimes but everything is fine now and we're friends again.

I'd should win a bloody oscar for my acting skills.

He sounds very alarming, I have to say.

There is also a very tiny part of my that fears that if I left he'd turn into one of these fathers that would hurt the children to get at their estranged wifes. I can honestly say hes never hurt them or shown any indication of this but it scares the life out of me, maybe I'm just getting paranoid now !!!

you are probably looking for reasons not to leave. i know. because i do that all the time.
you are rationalising to yourself. which is a very bad thing to do habitually

Like many abused women trapped in abusive relationships it is hard to leave (and you can currently see no way forward) but ultimately you will have to leave this controlling man for your own sake as well as that of your children. He thinks nothing of you and has also had emotional involvement with another woman behind your back. You had to pack your part time job because of his controlling behaviours (checking up on you all the time, accusing you of sleeping with co-workers). He is a controller in all senses of the word.

Your children will certainly not thank you for growing up in a household where such abusive controlling behaviour was ultimately condoned by you if you were to stay. Staying with him purely for the sake of the children is never a good idea in such circumstances. They will likely turn around and tell you that you should have left him years ago when you had the chance because he will eventually leave you will no self worth and esteem whatsoever. Such controlling behaviour often escalates over time and can become violent.

How would you feel if your DC went onto meet such controlling people themselves?. What are you both teaching them about relationships - currently damaging lessons to them are being imparted here.

He only wants you in a gilded cage of his making. He is controlling your life to the nth degree and he's doing a bang up job of ruining your life. I would think that your children are picking up on the bad vibes even though (like many women in such situations) you cover it all up because of shame, fear and embarrassment.

The following comments - and particularly his response are all hallmarks of a controlling man -, "I've asked him time and time again why he always wants to be around me and checks up on everything I do and doesn't like me going out or having friends and he says it's because he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me".

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Excerpts of this are available online and Amazon have copies. It will show you how these dangerous men (and I do not use that term lightly) operate and take control.

I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid because they can help you find a way forward. You need to see this situation for what it really is - you are in a controlling and thus abusive relationship.

www.womensaid.org.uk

I would suggest you read this link as well:

groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/lundybancrofttoppick.msnw