I have been used again by a covert narcist

[solisetlunae]

I have a highly narcissistic mother who probably has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) which makes me blind to self centric people. Recently, I realized that this person whom I called a close friend is more of a frenemy and mostly used me during the few years of our friendship. She was going through a difficult time with her husband and basically used me as a therapist for a couple of years. At first, she seemed very emphatic towards me. But the dynamic slowly shifted and it became all about her. Even when I had a bigger problem, she would somehow turn herself into a victim with me worrying about her. Every time, I would meet with her, my energy was draining, my mind was occupied with her problems for days. Also, whenever we would meet, it was me who would drive to somewhere convenient to her, or give her a ride back and forth to her home, and we would go to the places of her choice. Finally, I started to cut the time I spent with her and decreased being responsive to her which resulted her complaining about lack of my attention and cutting me off completely. For the past year, we only got together as part of a larger group, every 4-6 months at most.

My problem is, every time I think I have a close friend, I end up realizing that person is some variation of my mother, highly self-centric and looking for ways to use me. I have been to therapy, I read a lot on narcissism but somehow I am still blind towards the initial signs. Also, I have a very easy going personality which attracts people users like a magnet. I also find narcissistic people more intriguing without even realizing. How am I going to protect myself from these type of people users from now on? How can I stop being a giver all the time and feel as I also deserve to take from time to time?

I hear you OP. So glad that there's so much out there on covert narcissism. Its an eye opener. Knowing what you're dealing with is half the battle but ensuring a good relationship with oneself. - trusting your own mind and your set of values. No one can twist or manipulate you when you trust yourself and a live life on your own terms.

Do you still spend time with your mother?

For me, personally, and it’s sad to some but not to me, I’ve stopped adding people to my life. As long as I continue to attract narcissists and, crucially, as long as I mistrust, I can’t be a good friend to anyone but myself (how narcissistic of me! 🤣) until I really do the work and heavy lifting. I’m in therapy and really trying hard to just learn about and practice placing barriers. I’ve been able to give love and time to my beloved friends and family who really help me stay true to myself and to the course of recovery. It’s a process that doesn’t give room to new friendships in my case. But to be honest, I’m where I need to be right now. Where do you need to be, OP?

A friend who also has a narc mother said to me a good guideline for friendships is that they are reciprocal. Reciprocal is the key word and keep checking that they are, regularly. If they start to veer off from that, give less. A wardrobe of friendships is also good to avoid falling into the same dynamic.

A true friendship is one of balance. You both give to each other. Also their words match their actions. Look out for these simple things and I found who was genuine a lot easier.

After my covert narc friend I find myself wary of making new friends. If something feels even slightly 'off' I back them down to vague acquaintance.

I find my mobile phone a great test. I am not a slave to my phone and go out without it regularly. When I'm at home it's often on silent and not in the room with me. A normal friend of mine thinks it's great. She appreciates that I'm not going to answer it immediately and would like to do the same. A narcissist friend would make passive aggressive comments if I wasn't there for her instantly and ask what the point of me having a mobile is Pokemon Go as far as I'm concerned

I now have a policy of blocking anyone who asks that question in a negative way. Anyone.

I have a friend who has a tendency to start a conversation - "gosh it's been so long since YOU were in touch with me" She starts with a guilting sentence. In the early days I would challenge her when she said that but I realize she's not going to change Have got indifferent to her now.

Yes, not physically. We live far away from each other, different time zones, 10 hours time difference. I call her regularly via messenger/whatsup, at least 4 times a week and talk 20-30 minutes each time. I feel like I need to check up on her as she lives alone. She has her own social circle and some close relatives, she is healthy and goes out often. I wasn't this attentive to her before moving away years ago, since then I feel compelled to call and talk to her more often. Our relationship has improved in recent years, at least for me, as I'm able to put more boundaries. I know it is awkward of me to keep this kind of closeness although I have every right to keep my distance. Other than talks, I visit once every year, sometimes once in every two years, we spend one week together at most. I feel like talking to her from a distance feels much better and manageable, gives me some kind of illusion that she is a decent mother. I know I'm only deceiving myself.

@solisetlunae i have a similar mother.......really strange as just last night I was lying in bed thinking that my ex husband was a male version of my mother! I'm in my 60s, separated/divorced for over a decade and no contact with mother (her initiation after I said no to her for first time in my life at 60😳) and I have only just realised this🙈.......so obviously I'm not best placed to answer your question but I found the 'stately homes' threads under relationships very helpful if you haven't already found them.💐

I think this is key, if you do something nice for them do they have an impulse to do something nice in return, or do they respond by treating your kindness as a weakness that they can exploit.

Before I was awake to all this it never occurred to me that people would see my kindness as a weakness to be exploited.

It was really hard for me to stop having narcissists around me when I was already having a relationship with a covert narcissist (my parent). When I went non contact it helped me work on my boundaries and attracted less narcissists in my life. Unfortunately my other parent has now stepped into a similar role and is showing a lot of the same behaviour, and I don't want to go no contact with them as well, but am finding since they've been behaving that way towards me it has made me more vulnerable to other narcissistic again. I have no idea how to keep them in my life without it having this effect on me and am working on that now. But because of these relationships in my family, I don't have close sibling relationships and have struggled with personal relationships, both socially and romantically and find myself becoming quite lonely (and long time single) as a result. I am trying to trust myself to know who is genuine and who isn't, but it is hard. Noticing who is reciprocating is definitely a good start. And also the passive aggressive reactions. The parent I still talk to will never let me talk about my own feelings, they always bring it back to theirs.

@Flipperdippers
I suspect that these narcissistic types work partly by training people to subordinate themselves to them, perhaps that's what's happening with you ....you are reflexively subordinating yourself to people who try to dominate and control you?
I think most of this happens unconsciously but if you can look at what's going on you might be able to uncover the mechanisms and train yourself to respond differently?

That's a good point about training you to subordinate yourself and I think the way it's done can be subtle. It's not always full scale bossines and if it was you'd be out the door. It's a manipulative thing - like inducing you to feel bad or responsible or at fault. Or that you're not caring enough - please try harder. But yes it's an attempt to subordinate you - and it needs watching out for.

My problem is, every time I think I have a close friend, I end up realizing that person is some variation of my mother, highly self-centric and looking for ways to use me

Terminate contact the second you realise. Then, you have a series of friendships which seem healthy, and as soon as they seem unhealthy, they don't exist for you any more. That's it. We're all doing it. We've all had to leave people behind because we realise they're not good for us. It's boundaries, in a sentence: walk away from people and things that make you feel bad.

I think in some ways we are all self-centric, otherwise we can become entirely focused on the actions of other people and we can lose who we are. Some of what you are writing is making me wonder if you have looked at why you allow other people so much power in your life still? In your therapy did you look at how no one else can make you feel a certain way? Or how you are allowed to say no to people if they are being unreasonable? I totally appreciate that you don't want a certain type of person in your life but how much do you stand up for your own boundaries also? Do you make them explicit or do you wait for other people to overstep and then get resentful as you may also be asking too much of them?

Showing my emotions is a weakness according to my mother. She despises me if I feel sad about my father's passing, brings up unfavorable traits of him or makes up some. It took me quite sometime to really feel how I feel. I realized anger was the emotion I was suppressing the most. Because she has conditioned me to automatically assume I'll face retaliation if I get angry against her. Then I guess it became automatic in other situations with other people. Instead of getting angry, I was entering into a low dose depression mode which was almost a constant in my life. Since allowing myself to feel anger, I don't feel depressed anymore. I don't act on the anger in a reactionary way, I put boundaries based on that or adjust my own behavior such as preventing myself going into an unnecessary argument with my mother. I'm good at doing this with DH and my mother. But with friends, acquaintances, I still feel somehow weak, not able to put firm boundaries when needed. With this specific friend, I did let go of many red flags, I was so understanding, accommodating which eventually turned me into a doormat. In a couple of specific cases, I even acted as if I wasn't offended by her bluntly rude behavior towards me to prevent her feeling the shame.

I think this is true even for normal non-toxic people. We set the standards for others and they behave accordingly. If they sense you let yourself taken for granted then they act accordingly. Why will they spend more energy on you when you set the bar so low? I'm all aware of that but still having problems. With this specific friend, she has a lot of similarities to my mother, such seeming very concerned about me at the beginning. I guess that should be a red flag on its own, why would anyone be so attentive to your problems right at the beginning of a friendship? In more healthier relationships, I guess this develops over time.

I like your attitude. I absolutely need to work on becoming less available for others and work on prioritizing my own stuff. Adjusting little daily habits might help a lot.

Thank you. I found the threads that mention 'stately homes'.