We have been married 2 decades, 2 DCs (both at secondary school), we are incompatible in nearly every way (interests, perspective of life, energy, personality) and for the past few years have been to the brink of separation a couple of times. He has dealt with addictions and had 18m of CBT counselling to overcome. He’s now very stable but I find myself pessimistic about our future. I wish I wasn’t. Still attracted to him and I want kids to have us both together until they leave home if not beyond. But we are in separate rooms since he came back after a separation (his decision). He was awful to me and it was a relief when we split. However, he is no longer awful. He fought hard to come home. He completely ‘woo’d’ me and I agreed to try again. He became the guy I dated when we were apart; flowers, attentive, affectionate… within weeks of being back home all that vanished. I felt and still feel completely manipulated but I don’t even think he’s aware he did it. This was over a year ago.
We still sleep together occasionally but he makes excuses to literally sleep in the back room on an old single bed whilst I’m in the master (says because our mattress isn’t comfortable, we both snore..) and makes no attempt to improve things. He says he’s “content” when I ask how he feels about our marriage. He does probably 40/60 of the household chores and pays 50% of our bills. This was hard won during the separation. I used to pay all the bills and do 80% of the chores. I’d say I still do 80% of the parenting but I think that’s often the case with Mums. He is agreeable for couples counselling but has said maybe I need counselling first to “get up to speed”.. that really irks me. I’m pretty self-aware and have had counselling over the years. It’s as if he feels he is ‘fixed’ and I’m the problem. He regularly tells me I’m co-dependent. What I call craving closeness, intimacy and wanting fun and some affection now and then - he calls being codependent. He is fiercely independent and getting more so as he ages. He is either glued to the tv, his phone or out. When we do spend time alone together on a date I feel awkward and uncomfortable and can’t relax. All I want is to go back to being comfortable around him, to enjoy mutual interests together and sleep together. Is that too much to ask? I have stood by him through horrific times and awful behaviour. I asked him if he wants our marriage to be better and he just says he’s happy as it is and it’s up to me to initiate sex, activities, holidays, time together. He initiates nothing. So it feels all very one-sided. Like he just literally doesn’t care anymore. Yet he’s here, and would be horrified if I suggested separating (possibly due to financial discomfort and splitting out home and kids - I don’t think he would miss me at all).
I have procrastinated over arranging couples therapy because I’m scared it won’t work and this will be over. As long as I delay it, then there’s hope we will somehow be magically be closer and I’ll be happier (in my head).
I want to be married to him. We fought hard to get back together and I definitely want our family to stay together.. but I just feel so alone and unhappy. I don’t want anyone else, but I do want to be able to be myself.
Can therapy help us reconnect?