Kids/separation

[Oz122]

I wish I had a crystal ball. I am currently wanting to separate from my husband of 12 years, been my partner 25 years. He has changed so much, from not making any effort to communicate unless drink taken, then talks nonsense or gets nasty about "issues" mostly no intimacy.... doesn't remember what he's told me or what I have told him, so I stop talking. Sits all weekend when not working, 4am literally to 3pm, (drinking time). Doesn't speak to me or our two kids, 12&15. When not drinking. When I ask him why, he says, "well they don't speak to me" really!!!! I have been called quite a few nasty names by him when I have tried to explain why I want to separate, been told I'm useless and boring, thanks. The list goes on. We did try counselling 3 years ago when I again came to this stage, he only done one session basically to tick the box. Then last year I went back myself as I was still feeling like this, but then we had a family bereavement and here we are again. We have talked and talked. We know the issues on both parts and have tried, it's fine for a few months and then we slip back into bad habits. It's the last thing I ever wanted bit we have both admitted we have changed and aren't happy.

Sorry I could go on forever on this matter, I am so conflicting. I am absolutely guilt ridden and the fear of breaking up the family and it having a lasting affect, on my kids. Even though my eldest has picked up on the situation and also stated how she does t like how he treats me, when she heard him giving off. It's such a hard place to be in, deep down I know we have came to end off the road. Has anyone experience off this predicament and kids also that have came out the other side.

Thank you for reading and advice XX

Are you in the UK?. If so contact the Rights of Women and Womens Aid. Do not remain stuck as you are now because this will not do you or your kids any good whatsoever.

Staying in such a dysfunctional environment will have a far more deleterious effect on your children than actually leaving him. You cannot stay in such a marriage for the supposed sake of the children and its not somehow "easier" for you to remain with him either. You know deep down you've come to the end of the road.

Fear of him, fear of the unknown and money worries amongst many other factors keeps people trapped but I urge you to feel the fear and do it anyway.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. There was never any point in doing any form of joint counselling with him as you've already discovered. Joint counselling is never recommended anyway where there is abuse of any type within the relationship and indeed this is an abusive relationship. This relationship is well and truly over anyway because of the abuse he has meted out. He's also projecting his own self onto you when he calls you useless and boring in further attempts to regain some control by punishing you and or otherwise bring you down to his own base level.

Do you think he feels guilt and or remorse for how you are treated?. No he does not. Why do you feel guilt; its an emotion that is totally misplaced here.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Your eldest is already picking up on all this and your youngest will do so in time if not already. They need to be shown that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Neither can afford to keep on learning such damaging lessons on relationships because you're also teaching them that currently at least, this from him is acceptable to you. Show your children properly that it is not acceptable for a woman in a marriage to be treated as you are by him.

I have one of these too. Im planning my escape. It will cause upset and upheaval but its not getting any better. Mine calls me boring too and a nag. I think my kids would like me to split up with their dad. Honestly, i think their relationship may improve.

Living with an alcoholic drives you insane, im always on hyper alert counting up what hes drank. Its annoying when they just check out of family life and drink. Leaving everything to you. Well, i see myself already as a single person and hes like a lodger. when the day comes, money will be tight but i know ill cope

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for replying. Everything you say is so true and I know I'm right in what I am doing. It's still tough. Yes I am UK and I never thought about contacting them agencies, slightly embarrassed.

@AnonymousFemale2023 thank you for replying. I do literally everything apart from DIY. I don't think he would know where to start. I suppose in my head I thought seeing we both know it's not working it would be amicable, but as I have just been told, this is my doing so I can deal with telling the kids, he is having nothing to do with it. Emotional abusive, probably. 😞