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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Will ExH ever stop hating me?

20 replies

Marlo2 · 25/04/2023 20:24

Long story short I left ExH (2 DC together) of 10 years for another man because he drank too much among other things. He was devastated but met someone else within a year and we’ve both been in our relationships for 8 years. While I feel it was the right choice I am still overwhelmed with guilt and think about it daily even now. I miss him.

His GF is incredibly jealous, thinks he’s still in love with me and doesn’t like him speaking to me even about our DC so we’ve barely spoken for years despite my best efforts to engage him in co parenting. He moved away to be with her and has had more DC. He still harbours so much hatred for me and I find it really hard to deal with.

They separated a couple of months ago as did I from my partner. Exh and I have started talking again at my initiation. He said he’s sorry for not being there more for DC and that his GF was crazy and jealous…. They separated because she spread horrible rumours about our DS, none of it true and she is aware of this, in an attempt to cause trouble which is just bonkers.

All was fine, we both said we were glad to be communicating again and messaged about once a day for a week, I told him all the things I’d wanted to but wasn’t able to over the years to do with the DC. We were messaging each other and it was amicable with his asking lots of questions, then all of a sudden I get a message this morning from him saying I need to back off and stop messaging daily, that he has far more respect for her than he’ll ever have for me because I did X Y Z to him and that she just has issues. That I’m trying to cause trouble and he’s going to have to block my number. I’m really upset, I felt we were getting somewhere near working as a team and he’s just done a complete 360 on me.

OP posts:
TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 25/04/2023 20:31

I'd guess hes back with uer

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 25/04/2023 20:32

*her

PotKettel · 25/04/2023 20:32

Sorry OP this is hard on you. Respect his wishes and stop messaging - send him a brief reply saying you didn’t intend any trouble, just enjoyed chatting but if it’s too much then that’s fine.

Without seeing your msgs it’s hard to say what has upset him.

Perhaps he just wanted to chat for closure
and you haven’t put your foot it in at all, and now he has got his closure he doesn’t want or need you. If so that’s hurtful but he isn’t someone you need in your life a lot is he?

He doesn’t sound worth the heartache

Brenna24 · 25/04/2023 20:33

I think that he is back with her too

FangsForTheMemory · 25/04/2023 20:33

I would say he was hoping to get together with you again and he’s back with her now.

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 25/04/2023 20:35

The message might have been sent by her from his phone. Which likely means they are back together.

Marlo2 · 25/04/2023 20:39

Thanks all, I was half expecting to get a bashing for leaving him for someone else. I sent a brief reply this morning just to say I’m sorry he felt that way and that it really wasn’t my intention to cause any trouble (it really wasn’t and I really don’t think I said anything contentious) and that was it. I won’t contact him again. I just feel so sad which is ridiculous.

OP posts:
Marlo2 · 25/04/2023 20:40

I did wonder whether she’d sent it, a few things he wouldn’t normally say. Who knows.

OP posts:
BessieSurtees · 25/04/2023 20:50

So he blamed his GF for him not being there for his DC’s. What a tosser.

Get some counselling to deal with your guilt and move on.

My ex did similar, blaming anyone but himself, he hated me until the day he died even though he was married to someone else for 20 years longer than we were even together.

Marlo2 · 25/04/2023 20:58

I know, as I was writing that I was thinking what kind of man does that and then blames someone else? I always gave him more leeway then perhaps I should have done because of how we split up.

I really hope they’re not back together, our DC probably won’t speak to him again if they are.

OP posts:
JimmyHalpert · 26/04/2023 01:38

I agree, it sounds like he’s back with her. It sounds like you have the best intentions for your children. He needs to realise on his own what he’s missing out on with them if he can’t co parent properly.

Freefall212 · 26/04/2023 01:50

If you tried to tell him in one week all the things you have wanted today for 8 years, it might have been too much.

regardless, there should be contact but just keep it straightforward and DC specific

Are DC old enough to mostly communicate directly with him? It sounds like some system has been in place the last few years.

Marlo2 · 26/04/2023 12:54

I think he’s likely back with her too which is bloody awful. I’m actually feeling pretty pissed off with him today, the way he’s behaved over the years and now this and there’s me pandering to him again… I give up!

OP posts:
Bansheed · 28/04/2023 06:16

It's a 180 <misses point of thread>

But he sounds like he has issues, does not take responsibility for any of his own actions and enjoys the drama

AgentJohnson · 28/04/2023 08:22

In the nicest possible way you need to let it go. His ‘jealous’ gf isn’t/ wasn’t the reason for his rubbish behaviour, he is. At best he’s weak and pathetic for letting his gf interfere with his parenting. He’s just another man who has prioritised his want to be in a relationship above that of being an involved parent.

You appear to have a lot of unresolved feelings surrounding this man and I urge to work through them and understand that his input is not necessary for this.

fryanddry · 28/04/2023 09:41

Why is he with a woman that talked shit about your son?
This woman has issues and is a potential danger , i wouldnt be allowing your ex to have visitation whilst this womans still in the picture
Stop being friendly with your ex just talk about your child and thats it

AliceOlive · 28/04/2023 10:58

How old is the child she spread rumors about?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 28/04/2023 11:47

He's either back with him or she sent the message. Either way I'd back off and leave him to it. He now knows all the things you wanted him to so I'd use this as a fresh start and move on without giving him the headspace you did do

Marlo2 · 07/05/2023 21:16

Turns out he’s not back with her, he’s apologised and says he’s just going through a really difficult time. He says they won’t be getting back together but we’ll see.

OP posts:
Marlo2 · 07/05/2023 21:17

The child is 11

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