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Relationships

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Original poster

FWB to relationship when neurodiverse

22 replies

ConfusedDater · 25/04/2023 20:08

Anyone got some insight into relationships with ASD men? We've recently decided to try to move a casual relationship (fwb type situation) into serious relationship territory. Its after almost a year. We are the same age (mid 40s) both been single for a number of years. No children. Previously we've felt the issues with his ASD in relation to a full relationship have been too complicated but we both have developed feelings which is complicating the fwb so want to try. We have both had relationships in the past but his have always had the same issues.

Each time we try to progress though it seems to fall flat on its face. He wants to try to overcome the blockers but honestly we are both struggling with how it can work.

Main issues are poor communication between seeing each other (lack of replies for days on his part and not answering calls), meeting has to be arranged by him if I suggest anything he won't commit, fear of allowing feelings to grow on his part as he has had bad experiences in the past. He wants to get past these but the thought just seems to make him back off even more.

When we are together its amazing, we talk about everything and have loads of fun. Chemistry is great. We really get each other. He makes me feel amazing. Apart he retreats, is distant and can sometimes be quite mean as though he's trying to sabotage things. I even think he is trying to pursue other women to try to not develop his feelings for me. He thinks it will all go wrong so its like he is trying to make that happen to get it over with. Its like he's fighting with himself. Although we actually see each other regularly I never know when that will be which I think makes me feel insecure and that causes behaviour that annoys him as he doesn't get it.

We just don't know how to move things forward even though we both want to and as much as I understand his issues and believe this kind of behaviour is common with ASD men, I can't help but worry it is just a sign hes not really interested and is just stringing me along! I know it sounds awful and sometimes I do just think I'm being naive but most of the time I do believe the behaviours are not deliberate.

Has anyone managed to find a way round these issues? What has worked for you? We have so much in common and a deep friendship and really want to see if this can go somewhere. Or am I being unrealistic and we are simply doomed!

OP posts:

ArcticSkewer · 25/04/2023 20:11

Have you read about codependent relationships between avoidant and anxious attachment personalities?

I'd start paying much more attention to you. Is this working for you? How do you feel? Never mind him!

Yankeescot · 25/04/2023 20:21

In the kindest possible way OP, that all sounds very tedious and laden with excuses. Is this really how you want to live your precious life?

Original poster

ConfusedDater · 25/04/2023 20:26

ArcticSkewer · 25/04/2023 20:11

Have you read about codependent relationships between avoidant and anxious attachment personalities?

I'd start paying much more attention to you. Is this working for you? How do you feel? Never mind him!

Thats really interesting thank you I will read properly later.

OP posts:

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 25/04/2023 20:29

. I even think he is trying to pursue other women to try to not develop his feelings for me.

You’re not even in a serious relationship and he is cheating on you.

walk away now.

Londontoderby · 25/04/2023 20:31

Sounds like his not single or has lots of women on the go. Think you’re setting yourself up for a nightmare time op!

Original poster

ConfusedDater · 25/04/2023 20:33

Yankeescot · 25/04/2023 20:21

In the kindest possible way OP, that all sounds very tedious and laden with excuses. Is this really how you want to live your precious life?

I know it does seem that way and believe me neither of us is taking this lightly. I am mostly a strong independent woman with plenty of friends and interests but really value this relationship and would like to at least attempt to see if it can progress. The insecurities are a recent thing due to feelings developing more on both sides which is why we have acknowledged we need to change things one way or another. We are both accepting of the fact it may not work and would then walk away from any romantic elements. But you are right that the issues are very one sided and I am the one making the most if not all of the compromises!

OP posts:

Oopsiedaisyy · 25/04/2023 20:33

My partner is "very autistic" according to his ex DW and has issues with being a little self involved with his own interests and not getting other people's emotions as readily as some others but none of what you are describing. Sure he's just not a twat?

Original poster

ConfusedDater · 25/04/2023 20:37

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 25/04/2023 20:29

. I even think he is trying to pursue other women to try to not develop his feelings for me.

You’re not even in a serious relationship and he is cheating on you.

walk away now.

We have both dated during our fwb relationship (him more so I believe) and more recently I just suspect this but do not know for sure. Obviously this would not be acceptable moving forward.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusedDater · 25/04/2023 20:42

Oopsiedaisyy · 25/04/2023 20:33

This is my concern i guess. I have had relationships with neuro diverse people before and there has been some similar behaviours but not all. But yes maybe he is just a twat and I am being blind to it all! There are other issues that contribute it is certainly not straightforward. I've generally got my head screwed on but I guess that doesn't make me immune from being taken for a ride.

OP posts:

Oopsiedaisyy · 25/04/2023 20:45

The wonderful moments and the chemistry are making you focus on the potential you could have together, but you're ignoring the reality of the other 90% of the "relationship"

honeypancake · 25/04/2023 20:50

If he was used to a fwb thing with you it is hard to see how he can be motivated to get serious now. He was getting everything he wanted and more with the least amount of effort, and he continues doing just that now because this suits him. I don't think talking will help here, only a real prospect of losing you.

PollyPeptide · 25/04/2023 20:55

Look around you for a hill, then run to it.

QueenAstrid · 25/04/2023 21:05

I think as PP suggested it sounds like he has avoidant attachment style which is common in autistic people. I was in a relationship with someone like this for a couple of years before it all got too much and I ended it. He was a lovely guy but couldn’t do relationships, his communication was poor and he would do the thing with not replying to my messages for days on end, which I couldn’t cope it ultimately. Avoid at all
costs, it will only bring you grief.

Original poster

ConfusedDater · 25/04/2023 21:08

honeypancake · 25/04/2023 20:50

Its actually him that struggles with this more. He would prefer just friends, just sex or a serious relationship. He just doesn't know how to do the things required for a relationship it seems. I'm not happy with just friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusedDater · 25/04/2023 21:14

QueenAstrid · 25/04/2023 21:05

Thank you I will definitely look into this. Its good to get info from people who have experienced similar. I do fear this could be the case that it will get too much. I've been in relationships with people with ASD before with varying levels of success but not this combo before.

OP posts:

gerbilcrocus · 25/04/2023 21:27

What is it he doesn't seem to know how to do? ND people aren't stupid. I call bullshit on the idea he is so stupid he is incapable of realising he shouldn't wait for days before responding to a text etc. unless perhaps you've never told him this is an issue, in which case it is on you...

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/04/2023 21:39

Have you read about codependent relationships between avoidant and anxious attachment personalities?

this !
and also this asd ….
im a bit ND
and yes my communication skills can turn to shit in romantic situation

but If he is caving and pursuing other women ….
this is not good

you have to sound this out and check exclusivity and monogamy no ?

sladys · 25/04/2023 21:39

If he doesn't behave in a way that makes you feel secure and happy the vast majority of the time then you're not compatible.

E.g. taking days on end to reply leaves you (understandably) feeling anxious. It doesn't matter if he does this because he's a dickhead who is dating around, or if it's because he's ND. Finding out IF he's doing it because he's ND doesn't mean you should tolerate it if you're not happy. Might make him less of an arsehole but doesn't make you any more compatible.

The thing that seems to baffle me is that on a lot of MN posts people almost use ND traits to make excuses for people. If you're unhappy, you're unhappy - finding out the root cause won't change it.

Another thing on threads about dating someone ND is that many seem to think if someone is ND it excuses ALL their behaviour. It is actually possible to be genuinely ND and still be an arsehole. It's not always the case as many ND will be lovely & caring but the laws of human nature is that some ND people will be arseholes too. Just because someone who is ND is treating you in a way that makes you unhappy doesn't mean you should say "ah, but they're ND. It's not their fault they're behaving this way so I'll tolerate it"

This guy could be ND but also playing around and deliberately taking you for a ride. He may have poor communication but also deliberately not be replying for days on end while he's dating others

Mirabai · 25/04/2023 21:44

Autistic or not if he’s pursuing other women where is this “relationship” going?

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/04/2023 21:48

OP. This is not complex. He’s just a bloke, treating you like shit.

Being nice when you’re with him, jerking you around when you’re not and still somehow making you feel sorry for him.

Manipulation.

Dump him.

gerbilcrocus · 25/04/2023 22:03

The thing that seems to baffle me is that on a lot of MN posts people almost use ND traits to make excuses for people. If you're unhappy, you're unhappy - finding out the root cause won't change it.

This 100%. It frustrates the hell out of me too. Being ND is not an excuse to behave like an arsehole.

Original poster

ConfusedDater · 25/04/2023 22:11

gerbilcrocus · 25/04/2023 22:03

This 100%. It frustrates the hell out of me too. Being ND is not an excuse to behave like an arsehole.

Its not about finding out the root cause and accepting it. Its about looking for possible solutions but these need to be relevant to the problem. I'm not willing to accept it which is why I posted. But I also acknowledge that the behaviour could just be because he's an arsehole in which case there is no solution.

The general opinion seems to be either there are no solutions or he is just an arsehole so I guess my its doomed theory may be the outcome!

OP posts:

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