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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lost relationship given up walked away

15 replies

Tantan76 · 25/04/2023 18:55

Hi I'm tan
I am Here just to let it out really as got no one else to talk to or let it out to...if ok going to scream at you and cry and release otherwise I am going to go crazy..please don't judge I know I have put up with alot my choice but blinded by love unfortunately..and hope of it getting better one day...I need to release

In late late 40s....after being divorced for two years ..met my bf it was love at first sight it was great, plodding along nicely. I had to sell my martial home and moved into rented house after year of being there, i moved in with him, was in that place for a year with him then decided to get 'our' place , we looked about and chose a nice place and moved into a nice council place then got engaged ., he was the tennant and I had to wait one year before I could get added as that was the council rules.. but when time came he wouldn't add me to his tenancy ..even though we choose place together . I didn't like his reasons thought give it time it change...time went on he got depression as out of work and one night trashed the house, police was called from neighbours, he got help he was put on anti depressants. Six months later he was feeling better doing okay...year passed then one day he flipped again no reason just flipped I was cooking dinner ..then he threw me out literally that night, no reasons ..he said he needed space and as its his house wanted me out , I stayed elsewhere that night then we talked next day I said for me to come back he had to go counselling which he did for few months then stopped it as felt he wasn't getting nothing from it. again I supported him..over next two years usual up and downs, work, COVID hit, he was made redundant, his mood swings came back .had good days bad days..I kept thinking it be okay... I didn't know when he woke up what mood he be in , then when he had bad days it was my fault, he slept all day, didn't want to do anything go anywhere, I ended up paying for bits or extra stuff by myself, he used my money for stuff, slagging off my family, it goes on, then suddenly one afternoon he's flipped again and thrown me out again..saying he don't want me, he fed up with me, wants me gone, so went to my sister's for night ...then next day I got messages your fault you made me mad, my house , and said I have got to say sorry then I can come back. I was like what!!

No I am not going back I am tired , physically tired , how many chances does he need..I can't do this no more....I need reliability, security, love..yes he may love me, but I can't live in fear anymore of being thrown out and he won't still put me on tenancy... Oh god I can't do this anymore..I am Lonely, have nothing... Hope this makes sense not sure if it does as crying...just had to say it all allowed

I am tired ....really tired 😩😩😩

Thank you for listening

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 25/04/2023 18:59

Sorry you are going through this Tan. Your DP's behaviour is really not ok. I think you should try talking to someone professional who can offer your proper counselling and point you at some resources. Women's Aid and local domestic abuse charities are really good. You really don't deserve to live like this Daffodil

Shouldbedoing · 25/04/2023 19:00

You will be better off without him, he is not a nice man. Allow your sister to care for you for a few days then get looking for a happy home of your own. You sound strong and capable. You can do this.

PollyAmour · 25/04/2023 19:01

Don't you dare go back!! Have you got somewhere to stay while you look for a new home? Your ex partner sounds unstable and temperamental and I'm not surprised you've had enough.

Tantan76 · 25/04/2023 19:41

I am sitting here thinking what did I do wrong....I just wanted a loving secure relationship...
All day he's been texting me.i have not replied, things like ..if u apologize u can come back, I love u do u love me, if you stop being humpy and change your attitude you can come back..constant all day....
I sit here and thinking over everything, every day , thinking what did I do that got to this.
I am nearly 50 and have nothing . Wasted my time haven't I

OP posts:
PollyAmour · 25/04/2023 19:50

You haven't wasted your time, you have learnt a valuable lesson. It is better to be single than in a terrible relationship. You're not yet 50, you have years ahead of you. Don't think you've failed because of this needy prick.

Shoelacesundone · 25/04/2023 19:55

You've got 30 or 40 years left! And the great news is they'll be a lot better without him.

Pathetic the way he's desperate to get you back but wants you to grovel.

Please make the most of your future and don't allow him to waste a precious moment of it.

Londontoderby · 25/04/2023 20:01

Learning lessons is never a waste of time, ever, in fact, if you actually learn from them (and don’t keep repeating the same mistake) they can actually save you time!

Dont go back to him, only a shit life awaits with him, go find better.

Stillcountingbeans · 25/04/2023 21:19

First, temporarily block his number on your phone - you can unblock it again in a few days when you are ready.

Next, have a good cry, cake, wine, chocolate, a bubble bath, whatever.

Tomorrow, make a start on your future. Have a look at your financial situation to see what you can afford to rent. If necessary, look into housing benefit or universal credit.
Then, start looking for your own place.

Ask your sister how long you can stay, and think about what things you need to go and collect, including all your important documents. If you have a lot of stuff in his place, consider getting a storage unit for a few months.

When you are ready, arrange for someone to come with you, then switch on your phone to arrange to go there to collect your stuff. Delete any and all messages from him without reading/listening.

Meanwhile, get some support for yourself and you emotions, either Womens' Aid or elsewhere.

You can do this.

HowRatherGolly · 25/04/2023 21:41

Oh love that is such an abusive behaviour on your ex's behalf towards you.
No depression can excuse how he has behaved.
Throwing you out?
Please ask yourself why you would allow that? I have been where you are. My ExH had these so called episodes, he would throw me out, and like you I would never know what sort of egg chells I would be walking on each day. It took numerous calls to Woman's aid and the local woman's aid, along with police escorting me and my DC away from our home, leaving him there, for me to realise my worth.

Its brave to leave. Its brave to write all this down like you have. Voicing it often clears the way to realise what sort of relationship you two had, and reading your post OP it sounds really tough and abusive.

You probably thought you were doing the right thing by going back. You loved him so this is the natural thing to do, fix it and hope for the best. Many of us here on MN have done this too. We are human in the end of the day.

PS you can message me if you like

Tantan76 · 25/04/2023 22:40

Thank you everyone 🙏 it means alot just to talk....it's all going round in my head like anything at moment...I have had to block him as mentioned as the messages are getting out of hand...turning it all around as my fault, if I didn't do this, if I change I be allowed back but I got to show my attitude has changed ..reading the messages is making me angry and sad..all I've done today is cry....another sleepless night ahead...

OP posts:
Tantan76 · 26/04/2023 12:15

I am can only live with my sister temporarily unfortunately..I can't afford to rent in this area may need to move away.. my son is a adults and got his own place unfortunately I can't live with him..so think have to move away from him...literally got nothing

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 26/04/2023 12:22

Maybe text back and just say you don't want to go back? That might shut him up. Then block him.

You can't go on like this forever and it would only happen again, wouldn't it?

Carretera · 26/04/2023 12:30

@Tantan76

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, OP. You have really tried with this man, what a let down. He sounds very unpredictable, and i bet you have been walking on egg shells for years. He has used his sole tenancy as a weapon to beat you with.
I went through very similar during and just after Lockdown, except we both owned the house in unequal shares (tenants in common.) I am out the other side now, it is tough on your own, but with the right support you will come through this. Regarding housing, could you present yourself as homeless to your council? I wouldn't say you are staying temporarily at your sisters, as the council would see this as you being housed, end of.
You need expert help and advice, please make an appointment with Citizens Advice as soon as you are able. Best wishes Flowers

Tantan76 · 26/04/2023 13:34

I have not been in the area long enough to register with the council....
He text me today wants me back , saying all nice stuff, then turned it around saying it was my fault etc then said he won't ever put me on tenancy as its his place...then asked me when will I be back as he needs to let council know I am living there as he told them I moved out .....I was only ever named down as living there never on tenancy agreement

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 26/04/2023 14:19

He will never take responsibility for his actions. He will always paint himself a victim. He will gaslight you till you don't know which way is up. It's so hard but you need to gray rock him if you can Daffodil

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