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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married & suddenly attracted to someone else

10 replies

buckeejit · 25/04/2023 14:58

Been with dh for 15 years, I’m mid 40s, we have 2
Dc & generally happy, good life etc. I had gotten to the stage where I thought I’d never feel attracted to anyone else & was absolutely fine with that. I love dh, he’s kind & funny but he’s also the least proactive person I’ve ever met & a reluctant driver having learnt later in life. I’m resentful organising everything from tradespeople, dc, to holidays. The thought of never being whisked away or taken out for an evening without arranging it all myself is a bit shit.

As title says, I’ve recently become attracted to another man who I know through a hobby. I say know, really I know nothing about him other than his name & we have the same hobby. He’s very pleasant but I’ve no idea what level of compatibility we’d have etc. This is all irrelevant. In the highly unlikely event of him being single & attracted to me, I have no interest in ending my marriage or starting an affair. I should add that I have had a very difficult 2 years, lost both my parents & dc diagnosed with a chronic illness, all led me to a period of depression which I felt was coming to an end. In short, I’d just like these feelings to go away please-assume my subconscious is doing something. It’s distracting & confusing & frankly embarrassing. I feel I’d be uncomfortable speaking to close friends about this in the real world.

Has anyone else been in a similar position or any advice how to deal with this?

OP posts:
SpringOn · 25/04/2023 15:02

You should walk away. It’s a crush, it’s not anything real - a reaction to circumstance.

Affairs don’t just happen, they are a result of lots and lots of small decisions to choose what feels good right now versus what is the right thing to do.

Avoid spending time with him, avoid getting to know him. It will go away.

And spend some time with your DH. Think of some things you love doing together and do them. Enjoy what you have. Hug your kids.

AuntieStella · 25/04/2023 15:05

It's really common to have a crush.

You'd be out of your mind to act on it, and so you need to make absolutely sure you don't. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and the thought "I don't want an affair" is the sort of good intention you need to buttress with actions. Which mainly means not starting any form of contact with him.

Whenever you catch yourself thinking about SillyCrushMan, note that it's just a thought and consciously turn your thoughts to something you value in your life.

Separately, talk to your DH about dates and being whisked away. And listen to what he has to say about how things seem from his side

baileys6904 · 25/04/2023 15:10

Different people have different strengths and different ways of showing they care. My OH is diabolical at wing mushy and romantic and all the whisking away thing. However he is loyal beyond belief, loves the bones of me, is an amazing dad, would do anything I asked him to. That means I am the main organiser of weekends away or little date trips etc. I'm fine with that because he will do his part in going the extra mile with my son or my elderly father, support me unconditionally and basically picks up things I'm crap at.

Perhaps you need to reframe your thinking or frustration

KnickerlessParsons · 25/04/2023 15:12

Nothing wrong with being attracted to other people. But you're married, so don't get close to him.

AllthetimeYou · 25/04/2023 16:24

No advice, but right there with you. Crushing hard on someone who I've known for years. It's really horrible. Would like to wake up tomorrow and not have them be a thought in my head!!

buckeejit · 25/04/2023 16:25

Thanks all, all good advice. Hoping it passes soon, I'm really shocked by it as it's never happened to me before. Despite the almost non existent chance of mutual attraction & no interest from my part, I will avoid him etc & try to spend time & talk to dh again about planning stuff.

Would really like the thoughts to just leave but hopefully they will in time

OP posts:
buckeejit · 25/04/2023 16:37

Thoughts & prayers @AllthetimeYou I really do feel ridiculous.

OP posts:
JamSandle · 25/04/2023 16:38

Crushes are normal. Married not dead etc.

mummymeister · 25/04/2023 16:40

mid 40's and perimenopausal most likely. your hormones will be all over the shop just like when you were a teenager and this is why there will be a lot of women that this has also happened to. you just have to ride it out unfortunately. perimenopause and menopause was in my personal experience the gift that just keeps on giving. sorry its really shit but the best thing to do is acknowledge its happening and do what you can to avoid contact with the other person.

buckeejit · 25/04/2023 16:54

Oh God yes, definitely peri Meno & my dad died suddenly 2 months ago & in the activity, I've been off my HRT patches. Will start them again & make an effort to get some control in other aspects of my life & hope that helps too.

OP posts:
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