What am I meant to do?

[BlastedPimples]

I'm getting divorced. Long marriage of 22 years. Abusive marriage too. Verbally, physically and financially, not to mention adulterous. A hideous experience.

I'm told I should never expect a "meal ticket" or any kind of spousal support etc in the divorce settlement. Only minimal maintenance for the dcs.

Fine fine. But what on earth am I supposed to do? Suddenly magic a job out of nowhere that will pay for the needs of four dcs?

I'm happy to retrain, work whatever. But I don't see how I can do it all in time to avoid sinking into more debt - debt that my soon to be ex husband has secretly created on credit cards.

I don't live in UK anymore so usual benefits etc don't apply. The divorce is going through UK courts though.

If you were on my position, what would you do? I am lost. Head in a spin. Trying to figure out what the hell has happened and how I can get me and the dcs out of this mess

Do you work already? Who’s told you you can’t get anything from him other than minimal maintenance?

Re maintenance, if you go on the divorce board on MN, all anyone ever says is one can expect nothing but the absolute bare minimum. And anyone who goes for more is simply looking for a meal ticket for life.

So I worked on and off throughout the marriage. But I'm out of date. Everything has moved on so quickly.

I need to retrain. No idea where to start or what to do. I think my panic isn't helping me plus I feel utterly traumatised by my marriage.

I guess you need to go for a clean break where you are asking for a higher percentage of the share of marital assets to compensate for your loss of potential earnings and pension. I would want be looking into a pension sharing settlement.

What are the rules where you live now for claiming child maintenance?

You can ask for spousal maintenance as part of the divorce but after 1 year it can be taken back to court and dismissed.

Have you got a good solicitor dealing with this for you?

The last sentence is the important one. If you can't think, can't deal, can't work out truth from what your ex tells you, you need a good lawyer. One who will get what they can for you.

And don't listen to naysayers. If he's abusive, he deserves what he gets.

Call rights of women legal advice helpline
or free advice on here
https://childlawadvice.org.uk/

You look for a lawyer that has a proven record of a good outcome for those in your situation.

Stop caring what dick pandering morons say. I can guarantee you they don’t view men who leave all childcare to their ex wife as getting a free meal ticket even though it’s of huge, huge financial benefit to them. You fight for every single penny you can from this abusive arsehole and don’t let anyone shame you for it.

You can’t base your future finances on what youve read on other peoples threads on the divorce board. You need to get a solicitor and find out what they think you can get, it’s not about what strangers think or what your DH wants, you are responsible for 4 other people so you need to fight, get the best advice and the best settlement.

Yes you're right @TeaKitten @Naunet but I also want to find a way to never have to rely on him in any way whatsoever ever again. He's always causing chaos and trying to upend our lives.

He's spent so much money, got us into so much debt. I just need to get away from him entirely. But not before I find out what he's done with £635k cash in three years.

The dcs don't want to see him at all at the moment because they are both scared of him and disgusted by him.

I was thinking of retraining as a secondary school teacher. I could go anywhere with that and disappear too, far far away from him

That sounds like a good option

So maybe you would get spousal support until you had retrained & got established enough to support yourself