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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ExH much younger girlfriend!

15 replies

namechange003 · 25/04/2023 13:02

I've changed name for this thread so it doesn't link with older posts about my divorce and quite frankly awful break up with exh so can get a clear perspective!

My exh and I split coming up on 5 years ago, I've been with my partner nearly 4 years, it's the only relationship I've had since and we waited about 2.5 years for him to meet our two DC's (primary age). When I first met my partner exh and I discussed how things would work re introducing dc to people. We agreed that it would only ever be a serious relationship that we saw a future in, perhaps not until at least a year of knowing that person, that we would also make each other aware of our intention to introduce them (not specifics)

Saying this, ex has introduced dc to 2 partners that he's been with for a short amount of time, first they obviously split and second is his current girlfriend he's been with for a matter of weeks (guessing approx because he had mentioned he wasn't seeing anyone a couple months ago), he didn't tell me and dc did. She is 22 and he is 40. His reasoning for again introducing them is because I went away for the weekend with our dc and my partner...! So he felt justified in it.

I know it's not my place to dictate what he does and I don't plan on it, I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how to deal with dc and supporting them in meeting someone new again that I feel like may not be around long, and someone who could possibly not understand the needs of two young children?

They are both extremely sensitive and are having a hard time dealing with things at the moment, they don't like going to their dads and the youngest gets quite upset.

We had a very emotionally abusive relationship during and after our split, which included stalking on his part and some other illegal activity which I can't go into! He laughs all this off and feels it is justified because I left him.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 25/04/2023 16:14

It's the sort of thing thats frowned upon but tbh...is it really such a big deal in the grand scheme of things? The guy is a huge douchebag and really him letting his kids meet some women or other is nothing in comparison to most of the shit he did I'm sure.

And its women so...it's much less likely they are perverts ect.

Tbh your kids shouldn't be around an abusive stalker full stop. But if they have to be then I'd say stuff like this is not the hill you want to die on.

You can spend your life letting him make you miserable or, you can choose to stop giving a fuck about anything he does. Concentrate on telling your kids you are there for them if they ever need to talk and teaching them how a healthy relationship looks with your current partner.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Because really, it is small stuff.

Kids really don't care who comes and goes on a whim. They aren't going to care if 20 something Barbra is here today and gone next week. Its not a big deal.

Theunamedcat · 25/04/2023 16:22

Let him fuck up his relationship with his children seriously

I've had two exes which I've had children with both times I've tried the whole don't introduce people who don't stand a chance of staying around agreed serious partners only (on both parts mine and his) and both times the ex has broken the agreement chosen new/transient girlfriends over their children the current situation is dd1 has zero contact with dad ds2 occasionally contact with dad and ds3 zero contact with dad (2/3 have the same dad btw) all their own choices I bowed out quite quickly I warned them a couple of times got abused and said OK 👍 you do you

And the kids did not respond as he expected ds dad honestly expected them to dump me in favour of "new mom" they did not he was shocked 🙄

shieldmaiden7 · 25/04/2023 16:32

My ex introduced our children to his gf twice, following the week they made it official. The second meeting was in the morning, she came back that afternoon with a removal van full of her belongings.

We had the same conversation about not rushing into introducing children but it obviously went in one ear and out the other.

He now sees his kids 6 hours a month through his own choices and I am constantly asking for him to make an effort. Even took him through mediation over it. The relationship they have with her is non existent after how she treated them when they lived together (10 months before he gave them up and moved away with her). She point blank refuses to help him keep any relationship with his children and the older ones don't really have much to do with him anymore. They saw him 18 hours last year.

It's sad as he was a good dad. But he's "seen the light and is focusing on his happiness" and apparently that doesn't involve his children.

Original poster

namechange003 · 25/04/2023 16:34

Both of these responses are very helpful thank you.
@Pinkbonbon you're entirely right and puts a few things into perspective for me.

A huge part of me is happy and relieved he's found a girlfriend because when he's with someone it's the only time he leaves me be in my life completely, I think I just worry what the effect will be on dc who are struggling as it is! He's difficult with them as they get upset to leave me and he makes comments to them about how they don't care when he leaves them and I can tell it makes them feel guilty, especially the eldest who has taken to doing things to placate their dad and make sure he doesn't get upset, this really concerns me!

OP posts:

PaintedEgg · 25/04/2023 16:35

you don't need to do anything, soon your children will ask their dad's partner to wear nametags to keep a track on who's who - it will only damage their opinion of him, nothing more

Pinkbonbon · 25/04/2023 19:48

Yes the placating behavior is worrying. Have you considered putting them in therapy? Ideally with someone who specialises in helping kids who've witnessed abuse?

I'd be sure to often tell her too that we do not try to placate or 'win over' bullies (not aimed at their dad but just use general examples or perhaps, playground situations and let them come to their own conclusions).

I'd also see about a frank conversation with them about their dad too though. 'He did not treat me right so I left him. We should never stay with partners who are mean to us' ect.

liveforsaturday · 25/04/2023 20:34

Hey @namechange003

A few years I was in a relationship with a much older recently divorced guy, like your exh’s new gf. He only had the one child 15 which meant there was less than 10 years between me and son (making me a lot closer in age to the son that father)

I actually got on well with the son while the relationship lasted but I dread to think what his ex wife thought of me.

I’m not proud of this relationship as I know it probably wasn’t something I should have entered into but I can tell you one thing - It absolutely will not last.

Both him and her are looking for something and they will probably both get it quickly and move on. So I wouldn’t worry long term x

Original poster

namechange003 · 26/04/2023 11:08

@liveforsaturday thank you for your perspective!

I don't actually judge his girlfriend at all in terms of her age, for all I know she could be incredibly mature and fully aware of what she could be taking on, but I have a feeling she doesn't! Knowing what he's like and how manipulative he is, if anything I feel sorry for her! I was only 15 and him in his 20s when we met and I was completely taken in by him. He's controlling, but not physically and it took me years and years to realise how much he'd controlled my life and broken me down to a shell of myself!

OP posts:

Kolakalia · 26/04/2023 12:44

I'm just looking for some advice on how to deal with dc and supporting them in meeting someone new again that I feel like may not be around long, and someone who could possibly not understand the needs of two young children?

What makes you say this? She's 22, not 12. Plenty of 22 year olds have kids and careers. Unless you have specific concerns about her why are you assuming she couldn't possibly understand the needs of two young children?

Original poster

namechange003 · 26/04/2023 13:23

@Kolakalia as I mentioned in my previous post, it's not her age that concerns me, it's more the age difference and her being in a relationship with a 40 year old who is emotionally abusive and manipulative and the effect that may have on my dc, along with them meeting another person who he's in a new relationship with. And I think having concerns over a 22 year old dealing with 2 children who aren't theirs is a valid concern, for the reason they aren't hers, a 22 year old who has had her own children is quite different to a 22 year old in a relationship with a 40 year old man with 2 children!

OP posts:

WheelsUp · 26/04/2023 13:29

Why does the gf need to understand the needs of 2 young children? You are expecting more from her than your ex and as your post says, you have no control over that any more. Most people learn what young children want and need by being a parent and getting to know their child as there are some needs specific to the individual.
It will be sad if they form attachments to girlfriends who disappear but you can't stop it from happening or prepare them. Even discussing the possibility will cause sensitive kids to worry even more.

Pinkbonbon · 26/04/2023 13:39

To be fair I think a 22 year old might be more inclined to know a fair amount about kids considering they were one just a few years ago lol.

She'll probably have a much easier time communicating with them than someone in their 40s might. She'll be more aware of the latest trends and the school curriculum/life etcetera.

OK she won't know the childcare side maybe (unless she has younger brothers and sisters) but its not her responsibility to do that stuff anyway. Not to say he won't foist it on her of course. But meh, she'll learn or she'll leave.

SmallFerret · 26/04/2023 13:54

Congratulations OP - you are a natural for the job of Sane Parent.
See the redoubtable Chump Lady on this topic, & if you don't already know of her genius, enjoy browsing the archives when you next have time to relax -
https://www.chumplady.com/?s=sane+parent

Most people with reckon that your ex's new g/f is his au pair, & will be sniggering at him when they realise what an inappropriate twat he is being.
As to your DC - model "meh" to them.
Sure, daddy has a new g/f, hope she is fun, not sure how long she'll be around, but you know daddy & I will always be there for you, right? If she stays around, hurrah - if she doesn't, don't sweat it kids, some people aren't very good at commitment. But I am committed to YOU, you are my number one priority, you can rely on that.

That kind of schtick. Casual, unbothered, you know who your mum & dad & mum's partner are, don't worry about any of dad's flings.

You searched for sane parent - ChumpLady.com

https://www.chumplady.com/?s=sane+parent

Frankola · 27/04/2023 16:44

I think it sucks that he hasn't respected the agreement you made in the past about introducing partners. However, if he wants to date a 22 year (ie. have an early mid-life crisis) then leave him to it.

As long as she treats your kids nicely who cares about the age gap?

Duckingella · 27/04/2023 16:51

Your exH is coming across as a predator tbh,you were a 15 year old underage child and he an adult in his 20's who should have known better and now he's 40 with a 22 year old girlfriend.

Someone upthread mentioned you shouldn't wouldn't as women are like likely to be perverts however you ex is the pervert here.

Did he have sex with you when you 15 as if he did that makes him a peadophile.

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