How to kindly end a "relationship"

[Mystery2345]

I have been dating someone for a couple of months and have slept with him but the chemistry wasn't there for me and I don't want to do so again (so I won't!). He seems very keen on me - how do I end this gently? I would like to be just friends but clearly that is not what he is after, fair enough. I wanted to end it face to face however he is overseas currently, back later this week and making plans for the weekend which involve suggesting staying at mine and having early nights etc. So I don't want to leave it until then. Thanks for any advice!

Could you start maybe by being less available? Sorry X I cant meet I have other plans kind of thing.gently distance yourself. Or be honest and just say I am really sorry but this is not what I want right now? I need to focus on work.family.friends.my health?? I think it will be hard whatever you do but its always better to do it before someone becomes too invested. I do think though if you feel like this do it soon you will thank yourself for it ! Good luck!

Dumping someone after you sleep with them typically gets a very negative reaction. But at the end of the day, it is what it is. Don’t string him along. Just send a message saying the chemistry isn’t there for you and wish him well.

Lots of men and women have felt used or hurt after being rejected after sex but better than being ghosted. Hurt feelings are part life as he will get over it.

Generally if you aren’t into someone and don’t feel any chemistry it is better to not have sex with them just because you want it. Casual sex without attraction / chemistry should be where both parties clearly know this is just about sex.

Thanks freewill I agree re your final point - I thought the chemistry was there but post event I am not feeling it at all.

Call ideally, otherwise message, and just say you have had a lovely time but you don't feel enough chemistry to continue the relationship and wish him well. I would be brief and honest.

Don't give 'reasons' that he can argue with. Tell him that you don't want to continue but you wish him well.

Don't be like me and tell him all his good points or he'll have grounds to wonder why you're ending it!

If you’re the poor woman currently being love bombed by my STBXH then yep, run 🫣

Just send him a message to say you aren't feeling the connection you're looking for, and thank you for the time you've spent together. Wish him luck.

It's not fun to do, but it's straightforward. What's the issue?

Don't fuck him about. Just be honest and direct. It's not working for you so you will no longer be seeing him, but you wish him the best. Then stop communicating and forget about being friends.

Ths issue is that when you date someone under what is often assumed to be the pretense of interest until they have sex with you and then you say you have no chemistry and dump them and run - it is generally frowned upon behaviour. The other person was investing and often starting to have feelings and they end up feeling used or taken advantage of.

Regardless, no one should be with someone they don't want to.

Just say I don't think I'm right for you . Wish him well . Goodbye.

Don't ghost him, don't wait till the weekend to tell him when he's spent more time thinking you're on the same page and has invested in the plans.

Send a message that leaves little wiggle room - saying there isn't the chemistry for you is honest and isn't something he can argue with - it's simply how you feel.

It's shit, but you've just got to do it.

Blunt but kind. Don't give them the hope of reconciliation but bear in mind their ego will already be bruised so don't be critical.

Something like, I have really enjoyed your company and getting to know you, general compliment that they're nice, but you're not interested in pursuing a relationship/further contact. Wish them all the best and good luck for the future.

Don't get drawn into further conversation.

Yes, and that's why it's not fun; OP's behaviour will probably be frowned upon by this far-away man that she doesn't want. People don't like to be dumped. Not rocket science. He's not likely to enjoy this.

What's the issue?

I would call him. I would go with the " don't feel chemistry for you and am ending things". Honestly I was dumped once by a guy for the same reason and it's not one that you can argue with.

I think you just say exactly what you've put in your op.

The chemistry isn't there and you only see him as a friend. He may well be upset but i. His shoes I'd much rather someone rang and told me (don't text) than they pull back or ghost me.

The issue was BO, masses of long pubic hair and not feeling that fundamental attraction which until then I thought I did. I am not going to tell him the first two as I feel that would be mean.

You're allowed to chat, date and have sex with someone then come to the conclusion that you're not feeling the vibe. As long as you don't string him along and let him down with kindness it's fine - walk away and throw the useless guilt in the bin.

After just a couple of months it's fine to do it via text, or a call if you wish. You can fire a warning shot maybe by messaging first:

'Hey, hope you're okay! So I wanted to have a chat about how things are going with us, but thought it'd be better via phone. Are you free to talk later?'

Anyone with any social nous will recognise that as a 'we need to talk' and hopefully ask more or agree to talking. If they ask what it's about you can say

'I've realised we might be better off as friends, so I wanted to let you know' or something.

Or you can just end it via message:

'Hi. I know this is an awkward thing to do via text but I thought it was better to do sooner, I've been thinking and I reckon we're probably better off as friends, I'm not sure I feel the 'spark' and I'm guessing you feel the same too. Happy to chat about it if you want to'

I think it's kind to add the 'I'm guessing you feel the same too' as it gives the other person an 'out' to save face. They can say 'yeah, me too' if they find rejection really painful. None of this is necessary or something you absolutely owe them, but there are kinder ways to dump someone and less kind ways. It's only been a couple months though so don't sweat it, that's the very early stages of dating and the whole point is to see whether you want to continue or not. You don't, so it's kinder to let him know now you've decided.

If he's a decent guy he'll be okay with it even if he's hurt. It's just dating, you're not doing anything wrong. Sometimes you give sex a try hoping it'll confirm either way how you feel about someone and sometimes the sex itself confirms it isn't gonna go any further, nothing wrong with that.

Whatever you do, don't say you'd be better off as friends! And what's this "frowned upon" stuff? Are you supposed to stay with someone just because you've slept with them??
"Hi. I'm sorry to be doing this via text, but this relationship isn't working for me, and I don't want us to see each other any more. I do hope you find someone who will make you happy soon.

Just tell him it's over. How he deals with it is his business. Be blunt, straight to the point and don't offer to be friends and give him something to cling to. Also this chemistry excuse will have him thinking, well it was ok when we slept together.

I am not going to tell him the first two as I feel that would be mean

Don't tell him anything about him. That's how to break up kindly. This break up is about you and your feelings, not about him or what he's done wrong. 'I'm sorry, I thought I'd feel xyz, but I don't, so I think it's best we leave it there. It was lovely to spend time with you. Best of luck in the future.'

I guess when I wrote that I was using it as softening language, but with the assumption everyone would recognise that it doesn't really mean transitioning to a genuine friendship! If this guy is literal (or OP simply doesn't want to say that) then best not to use it. But the 'prob best as friends' is usuall acknowledged to be a gentle let down, very rare for it to turn into an actual friendship.

The frowned upon thing is weird, agree. Not sure why people think having sex obligates you to a relationship. Maybe those people think sex is something they use to buy a relationship, idk. That's why it's so important to just have sex YOU want and enjoy it for you, not as a bargaining chip. Then if it goes pear shaped you've still enjoyed yourself. Sex isn't something men take from us or we give to men, ya know?

@Kolakalia I'm very old and language changes! In my day there is NO WAY you should have said anything about being friends because you'd be leaving a chink of an opening. But if everyone knows it's a meaningless phrase then OK. I wouldn't risk it thought.
And yes, the thing about dumping someone after having sex being frowned upon made me really angry. You should be able to dump someone, politely, at any point in a new relationship. After the first time you've had sex is often a pretty good time if your first thought isn't "Ooh, when can we do that again? Soon, please!"

Yup - learn not to JADE.

Take a leaf out of this book OP - https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Thank you so much for all the responses, really appreciated and very helpful.