Hello, everyone,
I am new here and am in need of some advice. I am a 41-year-old female and am a recent widow, having lost my husband of 22 years 10 months ago. I had been with him since I was only 18 years old and his passing was very sudden and unexpected. I am not going to lie or sugar coat - the last several years of our marriage were highly toxic and unhealthy. In reality, I should have been a divorcee long before I became a widow, but that's water under the bridge at this point. I still loved him and I went through an intense period of grief after his passing.
Almost two months ago, I met a guy on a dating website who lives about 30 minutes away from me. He is divorced and is originally from the same state that my late husband is from (Boston, MA area). He moved to my area about 7-8 years ago after his divorce. He is 16 years older than me (the age gap does not bother either one of us at all). We texted and talked on the phone for about a week before we met in person. Our first date was on a Sunday in early March and it was AMAZING. I will admit, I was extremely nervous to go on my very first date in nearly 23 years, but I quickly started to feel very much at ease with this guy. We have a lot in common and had so much to talk about. He worked in law enforcement for nearly 30 years and I was a paramedic for many years, so we have the public safety background in common, among many other things. The conversation just flowed so naturally and it came to a point where we were laughing so hard that we were both in tears and our stomachs hurt. Before we knew it, 8-9 hours had flown by. Neither one of us could believe that our first date lasted from the late morning until early evening! We were having such a great time that we didn't even notice what time it was! I won't go into all of the details, but I'll just say that it was the most imperfectly perfect first date that anyone could ever ask for! It was SO memorable and we still talk about it to this day! So many hilarious things happened out of the blue, which neither of us ever expected! Our entire date was ALL intense laughter, followed by a very nice kiss at the end when he brought me home! He was so sweet and so respectful, repeatedly reassuring me that he wanted to make sure I was comfortable on our date. We are both very physically and intellectually attracted to each other.
Since that first date nearly 2 months ago, we have spent every single weekend together, and we very occasionally meet at the gym for an early morning workout together once in a while (we are both gym rats and go to different gyms, but I sometimes meet him at his gym). For the past 6 weekends, we have gone out of town to a variety of places, staying in nice hotels for 2 nights and having a great time. We just returned home today from yet another weekend away. We've done a lot of sightseeing, dining out, going to bars for drinks, and going for hikes and beach walks. We've spent two weekends in his hometown just north of Boston and he has shown me around, which I immensely enjoyed. We have been intimate several times and it has been nothing short of amazing each time. I've never had such a strong sexual desire for someone in my life! There is so much attraction between us and we feel a deep connection with each other. We very frequently have the same thoughts and sometimes even read each other's minds. Our conversations are the best. Some are more serious and others have us both in absolute stitches. We have no problem acting like idiots and laughing at the stupidest things together! I've never felt this way in my life. It's almost intoxicating. Ever since I met him, I CANNOT stop thinking about him, and he told me 2-3 weekends ago that he constantly thinks about me as well. During the week when we're apart, we text and talk on the phone and he sends me very sweet memes that express his feelings towards me. He has frequently said that he can't believe what a connection we have and how we have established such a great comfort level with each other so quickly. He's told me more than once that I've "sparked his soul." It feels like we've known each other for years! We just genuinely enjoy each other's company and I always get the excited butterflies in my stomach when I know I'm about to see him. I almost feel like a teenager!
Sadly, his elderly mother is dying of advanced stage lung cancer. She is currently in a nursing home in Massachusetts and he and his siblings are getting ready to put her into hospice care as she is rapidly declining and doesn't have much longer to live. On top of that, his nearly 19-year-old dog (a springer spaniel who he's had since he was just a pup) is also slowly dying of cancer. We went to his hometown two weekends ago as well as this past weekend (almost 3 hours from where we live) so that he could spend some time with his mother. I either stay at the hotel and hit the gym or go to Starbucks while he visits her. These past two weekends, he has been a bit distant for obvious reasons. There wasn't really any sexual intimacy the last two weekends because he's obviously preoccupied with his mother and his dog and admitted that he was emotionally exhausted. He said more than once that he realized he probably wasn't the best company. I immediately reassured him not to even worry about it, that I am here for him and that not every weekend we spend together has to be all fun and games. I told him that I know he is dealing with a lot in his life at the moment and that I am here for him and that I will always be here for him. I also told him that just his company is more than enough for me. He thanked me and said how much he appreciated it.
Upon returning home from our trip this morning, I texted him to let him know that I had arrived home safely and reassured him that I will be here for him 24/7 and acknowledged how difficult what he is going through must be. I told him that I would be praying for his mother and that she has a peaceful transition from this world when her time comes. A few hours ago, he texted me a link to a meme that said, "I will always try to make you happy, even if I'm not. I won't ever let you go through anything alone because I know how it feels to struggle all by yourself. I will never judge you and I will always make sure you're okay. Even if we fight or I'm mad at you, if you need help, I will always be there for you. I promised you forever and I meant it."
I don't know what came over me, but I became EXTREMELY emotional when I read this. I literally broke down in tears. It was the last text he sent me today and I probably won't hear from him again until tomorrow morning. It just touched me so much, especially knowing what he's going through as far as preparing to lose his mom and his dog of nearly 19 years. He's not the type of guy who expresses his emotions very well verbally in person; however, he can be very physically affectionate, but he seems to feel more comfortable expressing his feelings via text, especially right after we've spent a weekend together. He has that rough, tough exterior (he's an city ex-cop, federal investigator, played football in college, very much a macho type of guy), but he has very clearly conveyed his feelings for me over text many times over these last couple of months. I know that we've only been dating for almost 2 months, but I have fallen hard for him. I'm trying not to use the big "L" word this early on, but I can't help how I feel. He means so much to me and I never want to lose him. The toxicity and emotional abuse that I went through in my marriage with my late husband has caused me to have many insecurities and anxieties. He knows what I went through and has been a great listener and has been very supportive and encouraging. Of course, I haven't told him how insecure and anxious I feel and that I'm afraid of losing him and that I always question how he feels about me, if he's going to lose interest, not want to see me anymore, etc. He has never given me any reason to feel this way. It's just my own anxious insecurity that causes me to catastrophize in my own head. I feel that would just be too much to unload on him after only a couple of months of dating. What's incredibly stupid is that his being a bit distant these last two weekends together because of his mother and dog is causing me to feel like he's losing interest, when I darn well know why he's being distant. We weren't sexually intimate these last two weekends as a result, which also bothers me and makes me feel a bit insecure when it shouldn't. For goodness sake, his mother and dog are both dying! I shouldn't take his somewhat distant behavior personally as I know darn well that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with preparing for two major losses in his life on top of the stress he has from running his own business! He has even outright acknowledged this to me on more than one occasion by admitting that he probably isn't the best company right now! I also got ridiculously anxious last week when he didn't text as much as he typically does (despite him actually taking the time to call me every single morning last week), which is also incredibly ridiculous. I KNEW he was preoccupied with other things and I know that I ALWAYS hear from him, whether it's via text or call, and he has NEVER broken plans with me to date. He did tell me today before we headed home that his mother and dog are his two top priorities right now, which I told him is COMPLETELY understandable and that he has my full support.
Does anyone have any advice as to how I might handle my insecurities and relationship anxiety? I really, really like this guy and am very interested in pursuing a long-term relationship with him and I really want to see where this goes. So far, everything has been amazing. We haven't had a bad time together yet, which is something he has even said. We get along so incredibly well and we definitely have a great deal of connection and chemistry. I've never enjoyed somebody's company so much in my entire life. I always have the best time with him and I simply cannot stop thinking about him. How can I be there for him during this incredibly difficult time in his life without being overbearing? I'm sure that he needs some space to deal with the great deal of sad events taking place in his personal life. I don't want to over text him or come across as too needy/clingy. As much as I'd love to spend every single weekend with him, I know that he is going to have a lot to deal with very soon and may also need a bit of space after his mother (and even dog) passes away. Right now, he is completely consumed by these things, which is to be expected. He's even been sick this past week from being some emotionally run down.
Sorry that this post turned into a bit of a novel! Any input/advice would be greatly appreciated! I don't want to ruin what we have with my stupid insecurities/anxiety that stem from my past, or by coming across as too needy!