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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When your husband changes before your eyes

22 replies

Jess9870 · 24/04/2023 20:32

Quite literally the above. My husband was steady and committed until one day he started having an affair and everything went out the window. He started watching porn, using me for sex, getting me with the children in the back of the car to drop
him off on dates with the OW (I was unaware this was a date at the time), going to the OW’s house where she lived with her husband and children to have sex, breaking things in rage, having a flippant attitude towards our children and family., having sex with the OW in his workplace, laughing about the OWs poor husband and how much she hated him. Yes, so just that really. This was a man who talked of how destroying it can be for children to have separated homes etc to now being quite nonchalant about it and saying oh well children are resilient.
I think I honestly married a con artist and I can’t wrap my head around it.
What happened?

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/04/2023 20:37

That sounds horrendous. He was always like that though. He was putting on an act for the first part of your relationship and then the mask slipped.

BCBird · 24/04/2023 20:39

Oh my goodness. I am.sending you my best wishes. I hope you can get some resolution.

Original poster

Jess9870 · 24/04/2023 20:39

Yes, that’s my fear but it was some mask. I am someone who likes to consider and think carefully about things and really honestly would never have married and had children with him if I’d had an inkling of this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jess9870 · 24/04/2023 20:41

We are separating and our children are now between two homes so yes it’s difficult but I’m trying my best to keep home
steady and safe for them. Both are
primary age as are the OWs four primary aged children 😞

OP posts:

Soozikinzii · 24/04/2023 20:45

Sorry to read this . You must get yourself in order . Financially, legally, psychologically every duck in a row then split everything . He does sound like a duplicitous swine , like he's suckered you in .Unfortunately theres alot of very good liars about . I hope there is someone who can help you IRL. Xx

KTSl1964 · 24/04/2023 21:14

That’s absolutely horrendous- what a twunt - has he left the home now. He sounds very sick emotionally and cruel. Could he be a narcissist? I hope you have real life support and can you access some counselling for yourself.

Essexmum53 · 24/04/2023 21:14

That’s an awfully long time to wear a mask. In hindsight do you think there were any red flags in the early stages of your relationship?

It sounds as if your husband has quite literally lost his mind? Did he have a breakdown at any stage?

sending hugs💐

supercali77 · 24/04/2023 21:16

That sounds mental, how long were you together before all this happened? Id agree that usually red flags were always there in hindsight...there was nothing?

Original poster

Jess9870 · 24/04/2023 21:21

We were married for ten years and together fifteen. Oh of course when I look back I’m hindsight there were lots of things I overlooked at the expense of oh he is a decent man - he could be doing worse etc. He had a lot of freedom to
do hobbies etc because I trusted him and tbh just simply loved being a homemaker and mum. Sad I know - I also am a professional and started on my career path before my husband. To be factual, he actually followed me into my career but that’s another story.
Oh - it just feels so unbelievable at time.
He sees people even our children as transactional - well that’s how it feels tbh.

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 24/04/2023 21:25

Very similar story here so I really sympathise. My husband turned into someone I just didn’t recognise, and it turned out he was cheating. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Essexmum53 · 24/04/2023 21:34

The reason I ask is because my step-brother was also someone who you would’ve considered as a very solid family man. He ran off with an neighbour and at the time we were all very concerned for his mental health. Drinking, drugs, the works. He is back now with his wife and family and is very shameful about that episode in his life.

BlastedPimples · 24/04/2023 21:46

The change is really scary. They become quite a different person. Unrecognisable. Detached. Cruel. Even aggressive and violent. Be careful, op.

My ex h (married for 18 years together for 22) was utterly disgusting in his behaviour when he had a girlfriend. He was actually vicious and mostly verbally abusive and irrational with it. God he was horrible. It ended with him attacking me physically. I found out he'd promised his current girlfriend he was going to marry her and he couldn't manage his two worlds colliding and had to totally demonise me as this evil person who deserved maltreatment.

curlychocs · 24/04/2023 22:25

Similar story here. I am really struggling getting my head around the man I married vs the man he now is. It does blow my mind

Morewineplease10 · 24/04/2023 22:40

Yep, another here. Together 17 years.
It's horrible. Get trauma therapy with someone who understands covert narcissism.
You'll be OK but it takes a while.

FictionalCharacter · 24/04/2023 23:10

You say he started using porn. I wonder if he started watching it heavily before his affair. It can really change people. https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-can-change-the-brain/

How Porn Can Change the Brain

Our brains often change in healthy ways, but supernormal stimuli such as porn can trigger changes that can negatively influence our lives.

https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-can-change-the-brain/

Whydidyou · 24/04/2023 23:17

https://www.seethrough.org.uk/

See Through NPD | Trust yourself. See abuse for what it is.

See Through NPD is here to help victims of narcissistic abuse understand their experiences, reclaim their sense of self and take back control of their lives.

https://www.seethrough.org.uk/

GremlinDolphin4 · 24/04/2023 23:34

Sorry to hear this OP, another one here!

I married a lovely friend who I loved and had fun with but once we had children and my focus was not purely on him and his comfort and experience he completely changed. We were married 22 years but the culmination of his rage and cruelty to me and the dcs at the end was unimaginable at the beginning.

KillerSandy · 24/04/2023 23:35

He's being controlled by his dick currently.

Hopingforbettertimesoon · 25/04/2023 06:41

Big handhold and I am sending you lots of strength. Something similar has/is happening to me. The person who I felt would be a great father and husband changed the day I gave birth to our eldest. With hindsight there were red flags but I really thought he had my back.

it has got gradually worse and worse. He says it is my fault and also blames the poor kids. He takes no effort in their upbringing but starts to shout if they do something wrong.

there is so much more I could say. But you are not alone.

some great advice and wise words on this thread. I don’t have any wise words yet as am still in the midst of it. But I want to send you strength.

I anyone suffering from this will get through this and reach calmer and happier times ahead.

Hopingforbettertimesoon · 25/04/2023 06:42

I hope

PopsicleHustler · 25/04/2023 07:11

You are so much better off on your own than with this pig of a man and useless father. Imagine having you drop him off for dates. Unreal.

suchasadcliche · 25/04/2023 11:19

This is a real thing OP. In my case it turned out my husband under extreme work pressure and a dysfunctional upbringing stopped takkng occasional recreactional drugs (which i didn't agree with either) and turned into a full blown addict. My story is horrific and i'm still living it to an extent.

A year on I still can't believe how he behaved towards me and our children.

But i do think he was ill and the person he became wasn't the person he always was. Doesn't help with the hurt though.

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