WHAT is he trying to achieve here?

[54isanopendoor]

This is about a friendship not a relationship but I don't understand what my friend is trying to achieve here? I'll try to keep it short.

Background is; mid 50's, 5 years ago got back in touch (via friend) with an old friend. Not seen since aged 18. Aged 17 he'd been my boyfriend for a year (intense as we'd both been from difficult backgrounds so had 'bonded' but really, we were kids, it was a year, & we moved away to Uni & on with our lives).

Anyway, we met up for lunch & talked about our families of origin & our families now (we are both married, both have older kids, all kids have ASD . His are older than mine so interesting to hear how he's tackled the 'ages & stages' ahead of mine). All good. We then met 2 more times (this is over 4 years) with both partners & adult kids present. All fine, except his wife was very frosty.

Last time we had lunch was just us again as everyone else busy. My Partner was very ill so it was just a very quick catch up sandwich thing timed around that. As we said goodbye my old friend started gabbling on about 'wanting to Kiss Me' & lunged. It was awkward. Previously there had been the odd moment when I'd wondered if he was trying to flirt but I'm a bit rubbish at judging & he is ASD so can get the 'tone' wrong so I just ignored it - no harm was being done anyway.
But I was irritated by the Lunge, (especially as my partner was terminally ill!)
Anyway I got an agonised phone call next day: 'my wife doesn't want us to Meet Up anymore & I can't talk about it'. I said: 'OK, fine'. I was slightly irritated by his melodramatic tone but not especially surprised given she'd been so frosty.

I've had an email. It's long (like this, sorry!). He cannot Understand why I seem to think he was making a pass at me (he was) when he was just trying to let me know I was lovely within the bounds of his marriage.
I replied to say that I thought we had slightly different recollections of the last lunch but not going to get into a debate about it. I then got a 'WTF!' I was NOT making a pass at you. I just felt guilty at wanting to kiss you (I do want to). But I do not want to have an Affair'.

I'm not going to reply now as its not achieving anything but to annoy me now.
But WHAT is he trying to achieve? Did I get it wrong & he wasnt' making a pass?
Is he writing this for his wife to read so she knows there is nothing going on ?
(there ISNT & never was!).

I don't think he's necessarily trying to achieve anything tbh. Sounds like he doesn't know what he's doing or why! I think you're best to ignore it.

@NuffSaidSam thanks for reading through & replying.

I guess I feel irritated that he is doing this whole 'wtf' stuff when he defo lunged at me (& had asked me 'if I believed you could love more than one person'. I'd said Yes, probably, but you're always loyal to one person in particular- I was in Love with my partner & said so clearly). It feels like he's re-written it in his head? Or maybe I did get it wrong? (but if so why talk about wanting to kiss me now if it led to confusion / difficulties before. It did - I was annoyed: then & now!)

I guess he probably doesn't know what he is doing. Thanks x

Life’s too short for this drama.
Bin & block him. Move on OP.

It sounds as if he's been overly literal. In his mind, he just wanted to kiss you (but not as friends). That (to him) isn't making a pass at someone as he didn't want to take it any further.

He doesn't seem capable of understanding your point of view at all. Apart from anything else, why on earth is he dumping all this on you when you have far, far more distressing things to think about?

There's nothing to be gained from trying to engage with him. Block and move on.

He tried it on, you knocked him back.
He's backtracking like mad out of embarrassment and pride
His wife probably could tell he was possibly a bit too happy to see you again, will give him loads of grief lf she gets wind of this so he is going all out to say it's you that has imagined all of this.

In short he's a bell end.

Gaslighting - It's an over used word on MN, but he.is.gaslighting.you.

You both know what happened and now he is denying it.
Probably he's embarrassed and instead of owning what he did he's trying to pretend it never happened.

People who can't just admit they fucked up or behaved badly love to rewrite history and insist on the absolute truth of their version even when it makes no sense, making everyone around them feel as confused inside as they do.

He’s messed up (in his head and in his actions).
You can definitely do without it.
Do whatever’s easiest: ignore or block, but don’t waste any more time, thought or emotion on him. You deserve to only be surrounded with lovely and supportive people as you cope with your husband’s illness and kids. 💐

Thanks @CheekyHobson @CrystalCoco @Happytohelp2 @LadyHag @Stratocumulus @tribpot

I appreciate you all wading through my post & replying.

I think I'm particularly upset because a. who 'tries it on': talks of love then lunges at someone in their hotel room (he'd helped me up with my bag as I'm disabled) when their partner is dying (he's died since) & then discusses it nearly a year later (his cremation is next month - and old friend knows this)

b. old friend knows its particularly important to me to be clear about boundaries. as I said we both had difficult childhoods. mine inc CSA. in the longer email he makes reference to my 'trouble with boundaries' (I'd told him that it took me time & effort, in my 20's to be brave enough to be clear about my boundaries with men). So I think this 'it's all in your head' tone is particularly inappropriate.

Having thought overnight after reading your responses, whilst I'm probably not perfect in this either (times over the past 5 years where I was not sure if he was just being a kind friend or being a bit 'too' nice for a married man - sent me flowers, sent me wine for birthdays & xmas) I think in this instance it's clear he's either being horrible or is so mixed up himself he's not realised hes being weird.
I'm not going to spend any more time trying to puzzle it out.
Either way I'm done. Thank you all for listening & helping me think it through.

He sounds like a right prick. Using your childhood experiences and the difficulties related to them that you then (completely understandably) had in your twenties against you is particularly distasteful, as you say. It sounds like he saw you as vulnerable or an easy target - what on earth does he think gives him the right to "just" kiss a married woman, simply because he wants to!? Bleurgh.

i agree that blocking, writing him off and giving him no further headspace is the best decision. Who cares why he's being a prick? He IS being one, so get shot of him.

Condolences to you as you approach the cremation, I hope it brings you some solace 💐

He is like that awkward scene in the Fargo film where the female lead meets an old friend who makes a pass at her. He is not your friend really, he wants more, can't articulate it like a responsible adult and created this horrible situation. Cut him loose, who knows what else he may try if he feels encouraged.

@ClementWeatherToday thank you for your words about the Cremation.
(partner left his remains to medical science so there has been a gap of 12m between his passing & this point - rather hard but his wishes so I followed them)

I scrolled back through texts to look at the ones just after the 'lunge' meet up. Old friend texts: 'I behaved very badly yesterday evening. I'm embarrassed. I'm so sorry. Can we still be friends? I feel so guilty'. So, 'all in my head' then ...

I think the learning point for me is that I have come onto MN to check my gut feeling, rather than trust it (hangover of CSA - always it seems). I need to just trust my gut - it's not the 'lunge' so much as the denial - esp as he knows about the CSA. He's just being a rather pathetic married man (wants a fling but gutless) It's not a new thing but it is something I won't collude in pretending didn't happen. It's a pity but better to 'lose an old friend' than disrespect myself.

He's an idiot. Unless you're the same, you won't be able to understand him.

Why on earth would you waste your time concerning yourself with the inner workings of someone so disrespectful?