She can’t always show love

[Datingdad74]

I’ve been talking to this lady for a little while, she was in a long term relationship and by her own admission it wasn’t loving at all. I’m not saying it was abusive but it wasn’t what you’d expect a long term relationship to be like.
Anyway she can go very quiet and I’ve learnt that her job keeps her very busy, she will talk to me when she gets the chance but other times communication is very little or short texts. She will often read a text but not reply even to just say hi, I’ve not dated for a few years I’ve talked but that’s as far as it’s got. But this seems different we can talk and laugh. We have met a few times where our diaries have allowed, and it’s always been really good. We haven’t been intimate as such, and I’m not sure if that’s because as she’s admitted her relationship when it came to the bedroom wasn’t foreplay and that. I also know that she struggles sometimes when things get too much and she hides till she feels better, and I’ve accepted this. I guess my question is can relationship’s work when someone hasn’t had ‘love’ for such a long time. I was married 20 years and have been single for 4 years, I don’t want to play games anymore but this is the first time I’ve met someone in those 4 years where it’s felt right when we have been talking but when it’s quiet doubts creep in, but then she’ll call and it’ feels like I was overthinking.

I'd stop analysing her past and concentrate on whether you are happy with the way things are in the present. You can't change her. If you want someone who is in contact all the time, is demonstrative etc then it doesn't sound like this is who she is.

No I totally get that, my ex who I was with for 20 years was always about communication and I know that’s important in a relationship, so to go from that to this is quite a difference. For example my ex would say I never say how I feel or show emotion, but if I do with this lady she thinks I’m starting an argument? Like I said I know her past and perhaps that has a lot to do with it, I really do like her so I’m trying to do the right thing but sometimes find it hard.

Maybe she’s not showing emotion as you’ve not made a move? Just because one relationship was a certain way doesn’t define all future relationships

I think you need to take a moment here.
’She can’t always show love’???? Really?

By your account - you are in early stages of dating. You haven’t even had sex yet.
Any talk of ‘love’ at this point is way too early.
You are still in getting to know each other stage. Let it progress naturally.

You seem to like her. But she does seem to have a busy life/job. While you seem a little needy with your expectations of lots of attention/contact.
If this is the first time in 4 years you really clicked with someone - i’d try to reign in your expectations of how things ‘should’ be and try to see how things can be with her.

People have very different communication styles. And also - they can be different in different relationships. Someone who had been in a cold/not too loving relationship can open up and be warm with someone they love and trust. It will all depend on how the relationship develops.

Thank you, I do think after 20 odd years of not having to date and that it’s hard for me at least to adjust. Perhaps love is the wrong word, she’s admitted she finds it hard to be sentimental, and I am slowly understanding when she needs that time for work and that. I was just after some advice as it has been so long as I said, but thank you.

if I do with this lady she thinks I’m starting an argument

The right person for you will understand the way you communicate. Everything will feel easy, and you won't need to post on forums with questions, because if you want to know something about your partner or your relationship, the two of you will naturally and easily talk about it.

Let her go. Find someone you can simply say 'She's lovely' about, without further detail or qualification. This woman can't even find time to reply to your messages sometimes. That's not a burgeoning healthy relationship.

It’s a tough one because maybe you are just both used to communicating differently or showing affection.

At the same time though if it’s niggling at you maybe you just need to be open with her about how you feel about it? I would definitely prefer someone to tell me.

I overthink stuff all the time to the point where I annoy myself!! So there is an element of just needing to accept that we just don’t know what’s going on in someone else’s thoughts etc.

Either way go with your gut, all you can do is be yourself and if it works out then great and if it doesn’t then it just wasn’t the right fit xx

It’s a tough one because maybe you are just both used to communicating differently or showing affection

That's not tough, it's a definition of incompatibility.

@Watchkeys not necessarily, everyone has different communication styles, it just take’s compromise and emotional intelligence.

I think if you're looking for compromise when your relationship has only reached the 'talking to each other' stage, you're not actually a couple, and the other person has form for not responding at all to your messages, you're not onto a winner.

Healthy relationships feel good. They don't engender the need to post on forums, in the initial stages. They engender being so busy being pleased to have met one another that you forget that the internet exists.

I’ll give you my perspective of divorce and not having dated for 15years.

I also started off unsentimental. In fact I even told my now bf - that I don’t ‘do emotions’. It worked for me for years - I was closed off most of my life and come from a tough love sort of family.

My bf, on the other hand is much more expressive and open with his emotions.
A romantic who likes to both express and hear sentimental sort of stuff.

By some of the advice above - we should have not bothered as clearly incompatible.
But there was something about him for me; and vice versa. Something clicked and there was this draw.
So - we stuck with it. Luckily - as both divorced we didn’t have the urgency and didn’t need to rush into anything. We let the relationship develop.
And with time - we probably met each other half way. I thawed - and it felt ok to open up emotionally more than I have ever done in any of my previous relationships.
Sometimes I do make a conscious effort as I know he craves it.
He, on the other hand - learned that feeling loved doesn’t only come from being told - it’s the actions as well.

So - not all original incompatibilities have to doom a relationship - if you approach it as adults and don’t rush it.

Thank you, last time I ‘dated ‘ there wasn’t the social media there is now, everyone wasn’t in a rush and people actually talked, I don’t for one minute think that a forum would have the answer but it’s been so difficult finding anyone that it felt normal with. Just being able to be myself again after so long and someone finding that interesting enough to want to talk, I know I’m probably overthinking I do that a lot, and I’m getting use to her being there one minute and silent the next. But they do say opposites attract, so I will let it play out, not listen to the demons in my head and go from there, if anything I’ll learn from it. It’s good to hear from someone who’s been through it.

It is really tricky now and it’s hard when you are texting etc to know how to interpret it sometimes.

I think you’re doing the right thing by seeing how it plays out, if you don’t try then you will never know!

@Datingdad74

The way your messages read I think it’s less that you aren’t used to dating and more about overthinking and possibly some sort of insecurity/clinginess.
New dating ‘technology’ is a red herring here. Judging by your name - you are only 49 - so you must be using your phone and social media in your daily social and work life. If you are able to interact with friends and maintain social relationships - dating isn’t all that different.

Something seems off to me in the way you speak about this woman. By your description - in her case I would not be considering us dating yet.
Certainly not before there is a physical relationship and we regularly spend time together.
And as to emotions - it takes a while to get to know the other person and actually know how you feel about them.

But in your mind -you are already in a relationship and she has an issue with communication and expressing emotions.

I don’t know if you can help it - but try to relax and not put some massive expectations on this woman - or anyone else you are going to date. You will scare them off.

It’s true I do overthink things, and I’m slowly learning to deal with this, and perhaps the fact she is younger than me has made me feel insecure and overthink more. I’m not active on social media, I was for a while but stepped away from it as I didn’t really find it any benefit. Having tried dating sites and that I felt that it was more a hindrance than anything.
Perhaps I am jumping ahead with things and over the last week have stepped back, we have talked more when we can and it’s been nice although actually meeting up is difficult, so I’ve tried to take it slower we are talking and she’s still interested so I take the pluses not look for negatives, so will see how it goes and relax more about things. After all if she wasn’t interested she wouldn’t message or call??

Exactly, if you are staying in contact then that’s a great sign. But also don’t take your foot off the pedal too much, you still need to keep a balance of letting her know you are interested too.

It’s so difficult isn’t it, but all you can do is see how it goes and try not to worry too much.

You don't 'slowly learn to deal with overthinking' any more than you slowly give up smoking. It's a bad habit. Every time you find yourself doing it, find something else to occupy your mind. It's a decision you'll have to make a hundred times a day, but you can commit right now. Just STOP. It's your mind. You are in charge. Take responsibility.