Hi all,
I have posted about my mother before but I think it was in AIBU.
I don't like my mum much, and I feel like the most terrible daughter for saying it.
I will start out by saying my mum has been supportive over the last few years when I was widowed and while I was a single parent (now remarried)... in terms of helping to look after the kids (my DS was 4 when his dad died and my DD was 2). I am extremely grateful for the support from herself and also my dad and sister, and it makes my feelings now all the harder.
With my mum, I feel like it has come at a price.
For my entire life, I feel like my mum has been mostly concerned about 'how things look' and has pushed me to 'achieve'. I think this came from her own difficult childhood and wanting better for me and my sister, but I have always felt under pressure.
She has always been negative about the romantic relationships I have formed, including my late DH, who she disliked and would not allow in the house for years, as he was just over a decade older than me and she disapproves of age gap relationships. She now talks about him like he is a saint, though.
She wouldn't have another former partner in the house as she thought he would steal my sister's pocket money (we were quite young and my sister is younger). No idea why - he is a perfectly nice and normal guy. Again, she now reminisces about this partner in golden terms.
She has lately started in on my current DH, and I feel like it's a pattern.
I can't see what any of these men have done to warrant this. It seems to ramp up when I form relationships and I think she somehow feels pushed out. For example, a few days ago, she disagreed with DH over a minor issue (it wasn't an argument or anything), I agreed with him and she accused me of 'defending loverboy'.
Some other examples I can think of include:
Telling me I should wear a fake wedding ring as I wasn't married during my first pregnancy and people would talk.
Telling me I shouldn't take painkillers after giving birth as they would affect my breastfeeding- despite being prescribed through the maternity ward. I was in a lot of back pain for a couple of weeks following an epidural/ventouse. She only stopped when her friend who is a nurse basically told her to shut up.
Asked me if my DH really wanted a baby or if I had pressured him (I am pregnant). No idea where she got this from.
Tells me constantly what furniture to buy and how to arrange my house (that was my post in AIBU... about how she went on and on telling me I should buy a different sofa).
Makes personal comments about looks.
Constantly comments on how 'difficult' it will be now we're having another baby.
Tells me what to say in phone conversations and how to write letters.
Told me my DH was scrounging off me when we agreed mutually that he would take some time out to retrain... we were fortunate enough to be able to afford this.
Calls me a bad daughter, says she will have to rely on my sister as I am cruel and will never look after her in her old age. Btw, my sister feels similarly to how I do.
Went on and on about how my late first DH probably died of a brain tumour because of unresolved childhood trauma. This is obviously claptrap, medically.
Always has a friend who is an expert on any particular topic.
Seems to think in black and white i.e. experienced something once, or had a friend who did, and thinks all similar situations are the same.
Does not seem to think anyone is capable of doing anything without her involved, e.g. Will constantly check if me and my sister are communicating, if I have texted my dad, etc. We are all competent adults.
Tells me I am 'abusive' and 'intimidating her' whenever I ask her to stop interfering.
Says 'I'm entitled to my opinion', 'I'm your mother, all mothers do this', 'I only care about you', 'I'm not allowed to say anything anymore', 'I have to walk on eggshells around you', 'this is just my personality' whenever asked to stop.
I realise some of the things above seem quite minor and maybe a bit silly when taken in isolation, but it's a pattern and sometimes the straw breaks the camel's back. I am probably missing loads - she says things so often that I am accustomed to it.
Every time I try to raise it with her, she tells me I am the problem and why am I so resistant to listening to her? I feel like I am going mad sometimes. I am 37 years old.
I feel really bad complaining about her when I know some parents are actually abusive and she doesn't seem so bad in comparison. But it just feels like she cannot hear me and will never change, and she always has to know best.
I also feel a bit like a silly teenager, complaining. I just wish our relationship was different. I feel that she treats me like a child. It makes me so sad.
Can anyone relate?