Can’t do everything anymore

[sbilbao7]

I’m the parent of a special needs baby and a toddler. I work full time while having baby home with me. I make 60% of our income. I’m getting worn out because on top of working with one child at home, I clean the entire house and do the laundry, cooking, grocery shopping etc. my husband works from home mostly. I’ve talked to him more times than I can count about getting more help. He says he will change but doesn’t do it. We have sat down and written out household responsibilities and divided them-still doesn’t get done. On the weekends, I have to do the activities with kids. Keep them busy. I manage my special needs sons 6 doctors. I also now manage the budget and bills (a new responsibility after finding out my husband wasn’t paying them on time and spending too much). He does work but isn’t super ambitious and I would say he has it pretty easy there (a job I got him at my company). . I have aspirations in my career and do well and when I talk to him about my career opportunities he tells his friends I’m his sugar mama (jokingly). When I ask him for help he puts me down and gives attitude. I’ve told him I can’t handle more. I’m a full time mom, housewife, and career woman. Add special needs to that and a birth injury that left me with ptsd. He still doesn’t change. Don’t get me wrong, he is generally a very kind and sensitive person. It wasn’t always this way. It wasn’t until kids got in the picture and the second child made things worse. Most weekends now he sits on his phone and yells (and curses) under his breath at the kids bc they’re playing loudly and he wants to be on his phone or watch golf. When I make dinner, half the time he says he isn’t hungry and doesn’t partake. I feel like I’m a slave now. Unappreciated and like I don’t have a real partner. I’ve considered a trial separation bc my mental health is suffering while doing couples counseling (which he is open to). But I don’t really want that bc I worry for my kids and of course I love him. I’m just sad and torn. I feel taken for granted.

Also I want to add that some reading this may think well he sounds like a loser, why did you get into this in the first place? But it wasn’t always like this. When I married him he had a good job, was self sufficient, treated me like a queen. Hes educated and was wonderful. Things changed after children.

First off, hire a cleaner. Have him pay.

If he won't do his share then he can pay for it to be done. No ifs or buts.

Secondly, I'd advise you stop trying to flog a dead horse. It's OK to be single you know. And at least if you split you will get a few days here and there to yourself whilst he has the kids.

Start looking into the practicalities of splitting. Then I'd suggest actually leaving him. At least for a trial separation. If you find life easier, don't go back.

If you you stay with him, be sure to never have more kids. And defo get a cleaner/hire handymen for anything you need.

He cannot be kind and sensitive if he is oblivious to your distress. Would you have less work to do if he wasn't there? You'd certainly not have to deal with someone yelling and swearing at your children, nor with someone putting you down when you dare to mention how much he isn't pulling his weight.

You're worth more than this, you know.

He’s not a kind person, he’s an arsehole.

So the problem is, whenever he slacks off you pick up the tab, whether that’s the work, the mental load, or the bill.

The problem is also you are “asking him to help” - which implies it’s all your responsibility in the first place.

I’d probably drop him in it a few times a week send an SMS - “I had a bit of toothache and there was a cancellation at the dentist so I’ll be going out at 4.30 and will go via supermarket on way back, so you will need to do dinner, bath and bed for the kids tonight”

then another time: “my mum has organised afternoon tea on Sunday for Aunty B’s birthday so I’ll be out 11am until earliest 6.30pm so you’ll need to have the kids for the day. If the weathers nice you need to change the beds and wash the towels too. If not then can you make sure you get the bathrooms cleaned while the kids are napping. You might also want to get up early on Sunday and batch cook the spaghetti bolognese otherwise there will be no dinner on Sunday for you, or Monday for anyone.”

its not right that’s you have to micromanage him but I would at this stage be ordering him around very calmly. leave him a tick list in the kitchen for the day ahead. Make sure his jobs are essential for HiM - so put him on cooking, laundry etc. He may skip one dinner but he won’t skip ever day. When you shop don’t buy the things he likes and needs unless he’s getting through his own list of chores. Let stock items run out - tea, beer, toilet rolls (you keep yourself a spare in your handbag!)

Never, ever, ever clear up after him - that means, dirty clothes, dirty kitchen.

And start leaving jobs incomplete - for example emptying the bins, emptying (or putting on) the dishwasher .

Your answer is always “I was doing x y and z which are more important alongside doing lol the childcare and my office work; why didn’t it occur to you to do it? It’s not my job to do everything.” Then walk away.

I agree with everything you’ve stated. I’ve tried the Im not going to pick up after you bit, but I’ll be honest I never stick to it which is my fault. I need to stick to it.

He’ll never change. If you stay with him, you’ll have a life of servitude with someone who doesn’t respect you.

yelling and swearing (kids can hear a parent cursing at them under their breath) is verbal abuse and if you stay with him, he’ll continue to verbally abuse your children.

I’m not being over dramatic. You know what you need to do. You and your children deserve better.

‘Which is my fault’ - it’s not your fault that he doesn’t clean up after himself like a responsible adult.

Don't micromanage him. He's not a child and you already have too much to do. Tell him what his jobs are, then leave him to it. If he doesn't do it and complains to you about the jobs not being done, just don't engage with it beyond telling him you're disappointed he's not pulling his weight.

There's no easy solution is there.

Take your time, get organised and give him his marching orders 🌷

Thank you. You know it’s interesting. My mom did this exact thing with my father. She was unhappy the entire marriage. I always swore I wouldn’t have this and here I am. When my mom visits and I ask my husband to help with something, she immediately goes and does it for him. And sadly, I’m watching myself repeat the cycles I witnessed.

He sounds the very opposite of kind and sensitive to me. Why do you tolerate this? Tell him to either start pulling his weight without muttering and swearing under his breath or fuck off. He's dead weight and another fucking dead beat dad. Gives me the rage just reading about him

At least you know that you're sadly repeating the cycle you witnessed. If you don't want your DC to be saying the same thing in 20 years time and feeling unappreciated sad and torn then the cycle needs to end, and that's up to you.

he is generally a very kind and sensitive person.

Most weekends now he sits on his phone and yells (and curses) under his breath at the kids bc they’re playing loudly and he wants to be on his phone or watch golf. When I make dinner, half the time he says he isn’t hungry and doesn’t partake. I feel like I’m a slave now.

He's not a kind and sensitive person. This is not how a kind and sensitive partner behaves, no matter what you tell yourself.

he is generally a very kind and sensitive person.

No he isn’t, not even close to it. He’s using you as his skivvy and in part living off your wages, while yelling and cursing at his children. How can you even remotely think that makes him kind?

OP how is watching your wife run herself into the ground and leaving her to it with no help or support in any way kind or sensitive?

Massive squishes @sbilbao7.

what reason does he have to change? I mean you are doing everything for him so he has no incentive to do anything differently.

Try couples counselling but unless he has a magical turnaround I don’t see you being a happy family unit going forward.

please don’t turn into your mum.

Great question.

What does he bring to the family at all?

What would you need to replace if he moved out?

His paycheck bc it does contribute. But with the opportunities I have coming my way h I can likely pay for it all on my income soon. My son does have a ton of medical bills bc he’s special needs. My husband does make me laugh. But honestly right now I can’t think of anything else sadly. I have no family here though and I’m pretty much alone.

I’m in America. I think most are in the UK. Costs have become out of control here and no national healthcare. To top it all off, I’m also in litigation over my sons health issues. I was overdosed by physicians when in labor and it caused my son to be born unresponsive and the result was brain injuries. And ptsd for me from what transpired at the hospital. :(